


sick and tired....

by flipflops



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst and Humor, F/M, Team as Family, happily ever after...eventually, olicity - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-02-08 20:56:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 79,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1955871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipflops/pseuds/flipflops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oliver messed up and now somehow, he isn't the Arrow, he isn't with his team, and he most importantly, isn't with his girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is something that popped into my head...it's a one shot that dreams of becoming something bigger but I don't know...thoughts? comments? suggestions? I am also undecided on the first person telling of this story. ..help!! :)

I’d like to say I’m not sure how I got here, I mean here both figurative and literally, although how I ended up in this restaurant, at this table, is easier to discern than the figurative of, how did I fuck up my life so hard, so fast. I am Oliver Queen, and I am a fuck up, again. I’m sitting at at a table in a nice restaurant, in a nice suit waiting for my girlfriend, and none of this is right. 

I guess it started when I was talking to Felicity on Lian Yu, she was being her adorably babbling self and I was soaking it up. I was like a free man when daylight hits him for the first time. I felt a weight lifted and here I was, with her, my own personal sunshine. She was looking at me and giving me every opportunity to either take back my love declaration and admit it was part of our scam or tell her it was all true. I did neither. I continued to stare and smile, like the fool that I am. 

I continued down my foolish path, my best friend, best guy friend, Felicity is or was my best friend, asked me, “Are you going to tell her the truth?” He asked sternly. He was playing big brother to both her and I. I smiled and nodded. I was a big goofy, happy fool. I piloted on our plane to China and was playing scenarios in my head of how to tell her. I was certain she would reciprocate and I couldn’t be happier. It would be tough figuring out all our roles and adding a new one, but I was confident with my hard headedness and her genius brain, we could do it, together. 

When we boarded our chartered plane for America, (supplied by ARGUS) I was going to tell her but thought better of it. John was there and Felicity looked exhausted. I decided to nap and tell her once we were safely back in Starling City. I thought we’d--I’d have plenty of time. I napped. I awoke when the pilot came over the system to tell us we were landing. 

As we were disembarking, I took Felicity’s hand. God, it felt so good and so right. Her hand in mine. She looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. Life was perfect. We got onto the tarmac and I was still staring at her, then her smile left her face and her face dropped, and then she dropped my hand. I wanted to scream “no, don’t. this, us, perfect!” I just looked at her and followed her eyes. Laurel was running right to me. 

Felicity took a step to her right, away from me, I went to grab her arm but Laurel jumped right into mine. I saw Felicity look down and away. Laurel grabbed my jaw and turned me to her and kissed me. I didn’t kiss her back. My mind was racing then when she came up for air, I looked for John and Felicity, but they were gone. Laurel grabbed my hand, “I know you’re homeless so I came to get you! Of course, you should stay with me!” She was happy and giddy. 

On the ride to her place, I stared out the window. She talked, she didn’t babble just spoke. I missed my babbling girl. I heard her say, “Now that I know your secret, I know you’ve changed and are over my sister, NOTHING is standing between us. Nothing.” I should have said that everything stands between us, but mostly the fact I am in love with someone else. I didn’t. 

I couldn’t figure out why John and Felicity left me. Why they didn’t wait. We were a team. I was hurt and angry but it still doesn’t make it right. That night, I had sex with Laurel. She said it was the best. Maybe it was but it wasn’t her I was thinking about, I never claimed to be a good person. She professed her love over and over. I just kissed her and even that felt wrong, like a betrayal of Felicity and of myself. I hated myself. 

The next day I went to our new hide away. I took Laurel with me. I don’t even know why I did it. I shouldn’t have, what I should have done was went and found Felicity. John and Felicity were so angry at me, John stared daggers at me. Felicity avoided looking at me. Laurel was rude and dismissive. Every time I tried to catch Felicity’s eye, Laurel would grab my hand or call me, ‘baby’. After about thirty minutes, Felicity announced she was done for the day and gathered her things and left. I just stood there and watched.

After four weeks, I stopped going there. Roy and John (I’m not his friend anymore so calling him, Digg doesn’t feel right) patrol the city. John wearing the suit. I’m certain Felicity leads them from harm. I read about it or hear about it from time to time. Laurel says nothing, as I do nothing. I live with her, she pays the bills and I just am arm candy. We look good together she says and I nod. I miss my bow, my friends and most of all my personal ray of light and hope. 

That is why I am here, now, in this restaurant waiting for Laurel and whichever VIP she needs to impress. That is why I am at THIS table when she walks in. No, not Laurel, Felicity. She is more beautiful than I remember. I haven’t laid eyes on her in almost two months. I soak her in. She is wearing a red dress. It’s a simple dress from the front but she turns to look behind her, it’s backless, and ends above her knee. She has on black heels that make her legs look flawless. Her lips, oh god, her lips are red and beautiful and perfect. 

I notice a man, he comes up and puts his arm on her elbow. Mine, is what I think but she isn’t, because I let her go. He then touches her shoulder and I almost lose it. I shatter my water glass. The waiter comes over and apologizes and cleans it. The commotion makes her look over here, and I smile at her. She just makes a small nod of her head in recognition. She returns to her attention to her date, who leads her to a table. I see John and a very pregnant Lyla are at the table. I want to be at that table. 

I sneak peeks at them until Laurel arrives with the new mayor-elect and his wife. I notice Roy and Sin come in. I heard Sin was working with the team through Sara. Sara who calls me a fool. I hear them laugh, big hearty real laughs over at that table, not like at mine, full of polite chuckles. My family is over there without me. I look to Laurel who smiles but it’s her ‘get it together, Queen’ smile. I smile back. I know I will be lectured when we get back to her place. I don’t call it home, because home is with Felicity. I excuse myself. 

I go to the men’s room, relieve myself and am washing my hands when John enters. I look at him and he stops by the sink. “Since I finally have you alone..are you ever coming back?” He isn’t mad or threatening. He is being big brother, a best friend. I shrug, “Do you want me back?” John sighs and looks away, “YOU weren’t the problem.” I nod. I am non-committal. John starts to move to the urinals and then stops and turns back, I watch him in the mirror. 

“If you wait much longer, you will lose her. She doesn’t love him, yet. But she could. He is good to her and for her.” I say nothing. John looks at me exasperated, “Do you still love her?” I turn off the water and dry my hands. “My love for her isn’t the issue.” John sighs and walks out. Guess he didn’t need the restroom after all. 

I return to my table, to my life, to my girlfriend. I look over at the other table. Felicity is smiling but it’s not her real smile. John keeps looking at me. Lyla whispers in his ear and he nods. Sin, turns to see what has their attention and she does a small wave. I nod. Roy looks at me like he wants to kill me. I look back to Felicity and she is looking at me, while her date is missing. I smile, she smiles. I can breath again. That smile...I look to Laurel who isn’t smiling and decide that when we get back to her place, it’s time. It’s time I stopped being Ollie, her Oliie. I need to be Oliver, I need to be with my team, my family and most of all with my girl. I text Sara to tell her. She texts back “About damn time!” I smile, a real smile.


	2. soft and broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver is ready to get back to who he was before they got back from dropping off Slade. He is ready to go back to his team/his family. The team, however, may not be ready to have him back...at least not all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mentioned in comments and on the notes of another story this was being expanded! I am not sure how many chapters it will be, but I hope some of you are willing to come along for the ride.

I was the one to drive us home. Laurel had taken a taxi from work, where I had dropped her off this morning. She was very interested in the scenery, or more likely avoiding fighting with me, in the car. I let my mind wander back to dinner or more specifically to Felicity tonight. She seemed content, not happy but content with life. I can’t help but wonder if Felicity misses me like I miss her. The way I miss her is so intense. I read once about people who lose a limb but still have pain in it, that is how I miss her. She isn’t with me but I feel her, I miss her, I want to touch her and remember that she was, in fact, real. I take the turn into the parking area for Laurel’s apartment. I pull into the designated spot, turn off the car and make my way to her door. She’s fixing her perfect makeup. I open her door and she steps out. She kissed my cheek, I was proud I didn’t flinch or rub it off. Then she grabs my arm. We look like the perfect couple in the window’s reflection. What a load of shit. 

Once we arrive in her apartment, I help her with her coat and walk back to her bedroom, not ours, hers. I grab my duffle bag from under the bed. Laurel walked in, “What are you doing Ollie?” She’s taking off her dress, I move from dresser to bag, a couple of times, not looking directly at her. “Moving out.” She was now just in her bra and underwear, “Ollie, I’m not mad you kept looking at them.” She tried to grab my cheek and kiss me. I dodged it. 

I stop and take a deep breath, “Laurel, this isn’t about them or you, it’s about me.” I get the final load of clothes. I would leave my shampoo and soap. I didn’t want it. “I need to get back to who I was before.” I was zipping my duffle, “I thought you were. Here with me.” I stopand look down at the floor, “No, this is me pretending to be Ollie, the carefree kid. I’m not him.” She looks shocked by my words, “Ollie I don’t want you to be anyone but yourself. I love you.” 

I sigh inwardly, “I know. I just can’t be me with you.”

“What does that even mean?” She asks me, clearly offended. 

I sit down on the bed, she sits beside me. “I need Felicity.” I watch as her eyes bulge. I can tell she is going to cry. I hate when she cries, “Why her?” I don’t know what to say. How do I put into words my feelings for Felicity, “It’s not a conscious choice. It just is, like how I need air to breath, water to drink.” I put my arm around her and hug her. 

“You were my first love and I didn’t deserve you. I hope, in time, maybe we can be friends.” She looks at me, “Ollie, her? I don’t think --” I just look at her, “Please Laurel, I know you have a problem with her but she is--she’s remarkable.” I say this with a smile on my face and she rolls her eyes. “Ollie, please? I can do better. You can go alone to that place and be with them.” She is crying. I sigh. “Laurel, this isn’t about them or you. It’s about me, like I said. It’s about me needing HER. It’s--god, I don’t want to hurt you!” 

She sniffles, “No, Ollie I need to know, I need to understand. What does she have that I don’t.” 

I am an asshole. No doubt about it. “It isn’t that she has something you don’t. It is about who I am with her. She brings out the best in me. She holds me accountable for my actions and she doesn’t let me charm my out of shit.” Who knew trying to explain love was so fucking difficult and explaining it to the girl you thought you loved most of your life? A special torture that even the island didn’t have. 

She looks at me and smiles. She fucking smiles at me. Then whispers, “I had that with Tommy. He made me better.” Yep, I suck. “I am sorry I wrecked that for you.” She looks at me with such sincerity, “You didn’t. Even if we hadn’t slept together, I was pushing him away. I still would have gone to CNRI and he would have saved me.” Life is a bitch sometimes. 

“Are you going to be okay, Laurel? Do you want me to call your Dad? Sara? I could call your sponsor..” She gets off the bed, smiles “I think I’ll go see my Mom. Get out of here and maybe figure out what I need for a change.” I nod that sounds like a good idea. I hug her and kiss her forehead. I was never good enough for her or to her. She should hate me. 

I grab my bag and head out. I find my bike and get on. There is only one place I can go, to the people I walked out on. 

I am surprised my code still works. I hear Roy and Sin, as I get to the bottom of the steps, I turn to see the two of them training, or maybe just goofing off while wearing workout clothes. Felicity is there too. They all must have come here after dinner and changed. Sin is trying to teach her to pick pocket, I hear her voice, “This would have been SO useful in Vegas!” Felicity laughs, Roy follows it up, “Blondie, like you would have robbed people!” She laughs louder, “I counted cards and that is illegal and I may have once or twice, taken a tourist for some cash.” She smiles this devilish smile, “I did things that--would make you blush!” He looks her up and down, “Doubtful.” She walks over to him and whispers something in his ear, Sin watches with a smile. When she pulls away Roy has a shocked expression, “No fucking way you did that!” She nods. “You have to show us sometime!” She shakes her head, all the while smiling that big beautiful smile.

Sin notices me. Roy looks over and snarls at me. I can’t blame him so, I let it go. Then Felicity turns and her smile fades, she straightens up and walks over to her computers. I head that way, I need to be near her. As she leans over to grab the mouse on her computer, I put my hand on hers, “Please don’t go.” She looks at me. Her contacts are in and her eyes get big. She looks away, she’s not making eye contact, then moves the mouse to shut down the computer. She says nothing just grabs her bag to leave, I shout to her as she is leaving, “I’m not going anywhere.” She doesn’t turn around. I really messed this up. She has never acted this way towards me. She is always so warm, sweet and forgiving. I sigh.

Roy comes over to me, “You hurt her.” I look to him, “Well aware.” He shakes his head and starts back to the mats. Sin comes over, she gives me a timid smile, “ I’m here to talk to, if you need it.” I nod. “Where’s John?” Roy looked me up and down, “At home with Lyla. The pregnancy is nearing the end.”. 

I grab my bag and head towards the back where the cot is located. I see a blanket and pillow, before I can ask, Sin is there, “Felicity put them here, she thought you’d be here sooner rather than later.” She shrugs, “Only time I’ve known her to be wrong.” I look at the girl and wonder how much Felicity has confided to her, it’s like she could read my mind, “She seemed certain at first that you’d never abandon...us.”

Sin starts to walk away and comes back, “Ok, she never thought you’d abandon her, she didn’t say it but she was convinced she wouldn’t lose you. She waited a long time for you to come back.” Sin looks away, debating then deciding to just say, “ But you never did and-.you’re here now, right?.” 

Sin grabbed Roy and they left. Sin had no idea that she had just ripped my heart from my chest. I just stand there realizing, that I did the one thing I promised her I would never do. She lost me. Not forever but I walked out on her. I screamed as loud as I could. In my mind, I go back to the night she told me about Thea. How she told me she couldn’t stand to lose someone else she cared that much about and I told her she’d never lose me. Fuck. Then I hooked up with Sara and then, I did abandon her. The pain was almost too much to bear. The one person I could always tell the truth, who always told me the truth, the one who always was there for me, I had left. Abandoned her. I punch the wall. 

That night I had horrible nightmares of Felicity begging me to save her and just as I reach her, she is pulled from me. I shot up out of bed. The cot is soaked with my sweat. It felt so real. Her begging me and pleading with me not to leave her, but I do. I could see the tears in her eyes, hear her saying “you promised!” Then, someone is hurting her and I try to save her but I’m too late. 

I walk to the kitchenette, I grab a bottle of water. I look at the clock. 4 a.m. I decide to work out and start on the salmon ladder. I know I owe this being here to Felicity. She probably got this here before I walked out on her. I think of all the times I would pushed myself harder, or make a noise just to get her attention. Much like a child on playground trying to get the attention of the girl he likes. 

After about an hour, the overhead lights pop on. Then I hear the click of high heels. I’m perfectly still, just hanging there. She comes in, dressed for work. I watch her sit her bag down and boot up the computers, she walks to the far wall and turns on the iHome and pops her iPod in. I know I should make my presence known but, I wait. I need to take her in. Watching her. I’ve missed her. I’ve missed the way she sings along with the songs, I missed her chair dancing, her smiles, her babbling, her sexual innuendos ...I’ve missed her. I drop to the floor soundlessly. 

As I reach her chair she spins and sees me and screams. “You scared me!” She looks into my eyes, I’ve missed that. Then she quickly looks away, “Why are you here?” She moves the chair as far away from me as possible. “I live here now.” I thought that’d get a reaction. “You will be here all the time?” She still isn’t looking at me, she has turned to her computers, “Yes. Felicity--can we--” She cuts me off. “I’m going to go.” She grabs her stuff and isn’t even going to shut the computers down. She goes to leave, I grab her wrist and she pulls away, “Do NOT touch me.”

Her reactions startles me--I feel like she just punched me in the gut or the groin or both. I notice tears in her eyes. I look at her but she isn’t looking at me. She takes a breath, “Please, don’t do that again.” I nod, she doesn’t see it because she isn’t looking at me. She looks over my shoulder or down at the floor and even at some spot on my forehead, but never really at me.Why won’t she look at me? She walks out. I go to my cot. I have no idea what to do. How do I make this better? She always did that for us. 

Time passes but I don’t really notice it. What I do realize is she hasn’t said my name, I love the way she calls me ‘Oliver’ in that certain, special way. Never Ollie, always Oliver or if she is in a certain mood, Mr. Queen, but that is whole other story. I punch the wall. Again. This is becoming a habit. 

I need to think about two things and come up with a solution : she avoids looking at me, not just in my eyes but at ME. She also refuses to acknowledge me by saying my name. What have I done? She never would have backed down from me before and she would say my name like it was a caress. How do I get her to look at me, that is the first thing. Then to call me by my name. If I can’t get those things done, I have no shot at getting her back. Or getting her. Was she ever really mine? I’ve been hers for so long now, but--shit. She has no idea how I feel! 

I need to remember, to her I was with Sara. We broke up. I told Felicity that I love her, but she thinks it was only to A) to get her close enough to take out Slade. B) to save Laurel. Then--shit. I didn’t correct her on the island and I went home with Laurel. Shit.Shit.Shit. I have no idea how to proceed.

John arrives so it must be afternoon. He comes back to where I am. “So you’re back?” I just look at him, “And still as charming as ever, I see.” I stare some more, hoping he will leave and hoping he doesn’t in equal measures. “You got a lot of work ahead of you.” I nod. “Let’s get to it. The kids will be here soon.” I sit up and move off the cot, “What kids?” He laughs, “Sin, Roy and Felicity. I call them the kids.” I am suddenly interested, “Felicity will be here?” He looks me up and down, “Yeah. Try not scare her off, okay?” I grumble, he laughs. I realize they have spoken and he knows she left me this morning. 

We have been sparring for awhile when I hear the door open and laugher. Sin and Roy come in, John calls a time out, “Did you get it?” He asks the laughing pair. “Yep, and she’s gonna love it!” Sin looks carefree and happy. Roy looks at me like he wants to kill me. They go to a long table that seems to be used like a dining table (it also have mismatched chairs all around it) and sit down two bags and a bakery box. Sin announces, “The lady at the bakery thinks were nuts for ordering this cake.” Roy nods. John smiles at the kids, he will be an excellent dad. 

Just then the door opens again, Roy and Sin look at each other then to John who nods. As Felicity walks towards them, they both yell, “Happy stitches out and new scar reveal day!” What the Fuck! She smiles and reaches out to them. Sin is hugging her and smiling. Roy hugs her next and goes to change. John tells him he is up next on the mats and no cake until after he trains. He then leans down and kisses Felicity’s cheek, “Tomorrow full on training again. No more of this kid stuff, got it?” She smiles and replies, “Got it. Cake?” He shakes his head, “Stitches time.” She pouts and it is adorable. I hide my smile. I’m scared of her reaction.

They walk over to the med table and she hops up. Sin motions for me to follow. I hear Roy yell, “Don’t start without me!” He comes running in. Digg has a pair of small surgical scissors, and has put gloves on. Felicity pulls up her short skirt to reveal two bandages, they are both on her right leg. One is the center of her thigh and the other more towards the outer thigh/hip region.“Ready?” She nods and he pulls one bandage off and then the other. He carefully removes the stitches. It looks like slashes or maybe stab wounds. Six or seven stitches in each. “Blondie, those are baby scars!” Felicity smiles and lifts her leg. I gulp and try not to stare. I fail judging by the smirk Sin shoots me. Felicity has great legs. Really, really great legs. 

“Okay, shirt on or off?” John asks. I double gulp. What the hell? She sits up and and undoes the buttons of her shirt in record time, then takes it off. Jesus! I want to look at her and I want to stop Roy and John from seeing her. Instead I just stand there. There is another bandage in the lower pelvic region and one just under her right breast. She moves her skirt down to give John better access to her pelvic bone area. He pulls off the bandage. There is a huge line where someone cut her. John slowly removes the stitches and Felicity eyes the scar like a normal person does a new tattoo. “Not bad.” There is another small slash wound up under her breast. I look away. She thanks John and hops off the table. She puts her shirt back on and I am relieved. I think. I do know that her bra, half naked torso and legs will be in my dreams tonight. 

She walks over to her computers to set up some programs I watch her. Then I turn to Sin, “What is all this?” She looks around, as if to make sure they don’t hear her. “A month ago today, Felicity took down her first solo baddie.” My mouth drops, “What?” The girl shushes me. “There was a guy getting away with a kid, lil miss bad ass over there went by herself. Recovered the kid but was slashed for her trouble.” I can feel my anger rising. “Today she got her stitches out of all four wounds.” I blink and stare, then recover my voice, “FOUR?” She shushes me again. I saw them, I knew there were four but I guess hearing it said made it worse in my mind. Sin said this like it was nothing. But it was four wounds! I can’t control my temper. I see her and John talking. I march over to them.

“What the hell was she doing going out on her own? WE vowed to protect her, John!” He doesn’t take the bait. Damn him. He just stands there looking at me, arms crossed. She does take my bait. “I am standing right here!” Well, at least she noticed me! John gets between us, ever the peacemaker, “I was out of town with Lyla. The kids here thought they could play Arrow by themselves.” I glare at him, “That is no excuse for her being in the field- alone!” She moves John out of her way or he lets her. “I am right here! I am an adult. My life, my choice!” She huffs and crosses her arms. Damn she is sexy. 

“Adult? An adult wouldn’t risk getting killed like that!” She is angry and I know loud voice is coming and I relish it, until I hear the words, it’s not loud voice, it’s barely a whisper, “You had no problem risking me for your precious Laurel--” And with that I lose my anger and she turns to head back to her computers. Felicity one. Me negative a thousand. Shit. I start to walk over there but John pushes me back, “Don’t do it. Not now. Not today.” I look at him and know what he is saying is ‘don’t make me kick your ass’. 

I’m not happy she was out in the field, alone. Mad that Roy got there too late and Sin had to listen from here. Yet, I am proud of Felicity. She took charge of the situation and saved a kid, “How come I never heard about this?” 

“Why would you? News doesn’t cover us and well, you weren’t around. I think, they” she looks around the room to John, Roy and Felicity, “thought you’d show up here. We left a message on your phone. But you never showed.” 

“I never got a message” She shrugs. “I called you myself. Left a voice mail telling you she was hurt. Roy went by Laurel’s. You guys weren’t home.” I think back. A month ago, we went to Coast City for a romantic getaway that was anything but romantic. Fuck. 

Roy and John are done. “Cake time!” Sin announces. Everyone converges on the table. Just then the door opens, we wait--Then Lyla appears. “Am I too late?” John is up and over to her in a heartbeat. He rubs her tummy and then hugs her, “Right on time, as always.” She smiles at him, god I want that and I want that with Felicity. She walks over and hugs everyone but me. She smiles at me, “Good to see you Oliver.” I return her smile, “You too. Looking good.” She blushes. “I’m not but thank you.” I think Felicity might have been looking at me. That makes me unreasonably happy. 

“SPEECH!” Roy yells and everyone laughs. Felicity stands back up, “Thank you for my- somewhat morbid- yet sweet cake- I mean the gesture and I’m sure the cake is sweet--it is cake after all.” She babbled and blushed. God how I’ve missed this. “Thank you for all the hours you guys spent making sure I was taken care of, the countless hours spent watching Doctor Who with me! Thank you Lyla and Sin for the sponge baths when I couldn’t shower. Thank you John for carrying me everywhere those first few days. And thank you Roy for always being willing to go get me Big Belly Burgers at midnight! I love you guys!” She was crying and I wanted to cry. I should have been the one carrying her, getting her food and bathing her. 

Sin cut the cake (the cake was shaped like a female and had frosting stitches everywhere Felicity’s were removed) and everyone ate. I feel left out but not like they were purposely doing it. I am an outsider because I made myself one. John turns to me, “Wanna train after cake? Or are you too out of shape?” He smiles and I smile back at the good natured ribbing. He probably hopes I puke up cake. “I think I can handle it.” I hear Felicity snort. I turn to her, “You don’t think I can keep up with him?” She gives me the once over then looks me straight in the eye, only for a split second, “Nope.” And stands up to throw away her plate. 

Now, I had to prove myself. Felicity could doubt my brains, and my ability to trust but she had never doubted my physical prowess. My ego was hurt. We may have never talked about it but, I know she liked watching me train and I liked her liking to watch me train, damn it. I could not let this go. I walked with John to the mats. He looked at me, “Want me to go easy on you to impress her?” I looked at him and shook my head, “Oliver, I don’t have to impress the woman I love, you kind of need all the help you can get!” He leveled me with a look. Yeah, I knew that already but my pride refused to let this be where he helped me. 

“Bring it, John” And bring it he did. Over and over again. He had me flat on my back every time. I see Felicity out of the corner of my eye smirk the first couple of times. The third time she comes over, “Hey Digg” He didn’t take his eyes off me as we circled each other, we were hunched over and circling one another, waiting, “Yeah..” I could see her cross her arms and tilt her head, “Maybe he should train me?” That got my attention. She just called me ‘he’ and wanted me to train her! ‘Progress’, I thought until she finishes her sentence, “ I think it would be easier to kick his ass than yours!” She giggles. Felicity Smoak had a mean streak, who knew.

I stand up straight and turn to see her ponytail swing around as she spun around and headed back to her computers, laughing. I look over to see Lyla tying to hide her laugh. Roy didn’t try to hide his and Sin, she looked at me with a pitying smirk. Great. Then John had me on the mats, again. Well, hell. Finally he had enough of beating the shit out of me. He looked at Lyla and decided it was time to head home. “See ya tomorrow Queen.” He put his arm around her and left, saying goodbye to Felicity as they passed. He may have told her that she was right and she probably could kick my ass. I’m not sure. 

Roy and Sin were at the table discussing weekend plans. I walked over to Felicity, leaving my shirt off. I have to work with what I have. She didn’t look up from her typing. “You really want to train with me?” That stops her typing. She thinks about it, “No, I think that would be a step backwards.” Ouch. I decide to not play fair, I need to see I still have some sort of impact on her. I bend down close to her ear, “I think you’re scared of getting sweaty with me” I stop then make sure to breath on her, “or under me.” I whisper. She gulps. She doesn’t turn just keeps staring at her screen then replies in a mock whisper, “You’re not that scary-- anymore.” My mouth drops. Then she looks at my chest, tilts her head, “Or really that--what’s the word? Cut! Yeah that’s it.” She smiles, “You got soft.” She pushes her chair back, grabs her bag and yells over her shoulder, “Sin turn off the computers when they’re done.” And she’s gone. 

I take a good two minutes to recover. I must have opened and closed my mouth a dozen times. Then finally I yell, “I am not SOFT!” Great comeback. Too bad by the time I said it even Roy and Sin had left. Still...I am not soft.


	3. every breath you take...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver learns some truths about what his neglect of Felicity in the past and his abandonment has done to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thanks for the lovely comments and kudos! You all make me smile!!! 
> 
> This chapter...it was emotionally draining but I felt Oliver needs to know what happened...well, part of it, because there is more. I feel that everyone will eventually have to let him know how his abandonment effected them personally and mostly, Felicity. 
> 
> I wanted to get this chapter out asap. I am leaving tomorrow for SDCC...I am so excited and today is my birthday so I will hopefully be busy tonight. 
> 
> I hope you like and sorry it isn't as proofed as I try to do. :)

Sin and Roy arrive the next morning, no Felicity. Sin is doing something on the computers, I watch her for a moment. I am shocked Felicity allows her to have anything to do with her “babies”. Roy comes over to where I am, sharpening some arrows, this is my form of meditation. He sits down beside me. I think I should say something but I don’t. He makes some exaggerated breathing noises and then starts spinning in the chair. I finally break, “What?” I say louder and meaner than I should. 

He stops and looks at me, “Why are you here?” I am shocked by the question, “What do you mean?” He looks at me and rolls his eyes, I understand why my parents hated when I did that now. “I mean why are you back?” I sit down the arrow I was sharpening and look around then back to him, “I never should have left this place, the team...her.” He looks shocked, “What? I know I was an idiot” He nods, “ WAS? Incorrect term.” He laughs at me. “I know you are, I just didn’t think your pride would let you admit that.” 

“Why does Felicity let her play with the computers?” Roy looks over to Sin, “Don’t let them hear you call it ‘playing’ or you will find yourself getting yelled at, loudly.” I grin. “Fair enough, what’s the deal with the computers and Sin being allowed to use them?” Roy looks over at the girl again, “Not sure. I know Sara asked Felicity to look after her. Then Felicity being Felicity moved her into her townhouse, then started bringing her here and now, she’s like mentoring her or something. It’s nice for them.” He shrugs. 

That sounds exactly like Felicity, making sure Sin is taken care of and making her part of the team. “You talk to Sara much?” I’m a bit worried about why he wants to know. I’m always suspicious of people. “Nope. She’s pretty pissed at me. I did text her that I was coming back here, back to Felicity.” He nods, “Yeah, I bet. She was angry when she came for a visit and you weren’t here.” I look over to him shocked, “When was she in town?” He thinks about it, he makes a face, “Right after Felicity was hurt the second time--she waltzed in here and was looking for you. Thought you’d be climbing the walls. Then I told her you didn’t come around or know what happened, again.” 

My heart drops to my stomach, I should ask about Sara but I don’t really care to know, I want to know about Felicity, “How many times has she been hurt?” I know my tone is full of barely controlled anger. Roy looks at me, and I can tell he thinks I have no right to be upset and if I’m honest? He’s right, I don’t but, I am. “Three, that required Digg to use his mad skillz on her.” He says this jokingly but it’s not funny. I throw the arrow across the room. Sin jumps and Roy stands up. 

“Dude, calm down. What the hell?” Roy is ready to fight and so am I. “How. How could you let her get hurt?” I am clenching my fists and trying to control my anger. “How could WE let her get hurt?” I see Sin coming over, Roy puts a hand up to stop her and she goes back to the computers. “WE did the best we could, Oliver. WE were at least fucking her to help her! YOU ran away from all of us. Back to your precious Laurel, so go fuck yourself!” 

Roy starts to leave but I can’t control the rage and I grab him, “I trusted you, all of you to take care of her! I thought you could protect her as I would! ” I know I’ve gone too far when I look into his eyes, I see the anger, the rage, the pent up hatred. I don’t care, I welcome it. He gets out of my grasp and stands up to me. He is shorter than I am but he is still in my face. 

“You? You don’t protect her! That is fucking bullshit, Queen.” The veins in his neck are sticking out, his voice is as loud as it can be, I can tell he cares for her and he is pissed. I care for her too and thinking about her being hurt is killing me. “I always protected her both as the Arrow and Oliver Queen.” I say it calmly but inside there is a storm brewing. He laughs, not a genuine laugh but a mocking one, “Sure, the Arrow saved his IT expert. The girl he got into trouble but she also saved his ass!” He walks away but I know it’s not over. 

He looks back at me, “But Oliver Fucking Queen, he never gave a shit about Felicity Smoak, his EA and friend.” I can hear the venom in his voice. The anger is radiating off of him. How can he say that after everything? I would kill for her, I would die for her. “I cared, I do care! I did everything I could to protect her!” He walks back to me, and whispers, “bull.shit.” 

I know I should let him walk out, I should do a punishing round on the salmon ladder but I can’t, I need to know what this punk is going to say to me. Maybe I need him to say aloud all the things I say to myself. I wonder if what he says next is what SHE thinks of me and my protection of her or lack of it. 

“Don’t walk away. You have something to say, SAY IT!” 

He strides back over, “YOU LET THE WHOLE COMPANY, THE WHOLE FUCKING CITY THINK SHE WAS YOUR WHORE!” He steps away, walks to the table we were having cake at yesterday. His hands are on the back of the chair and he is trying to reign in his emotions. He loses the battle and tosses the chair. He comes back to me, “You know what they said about her? And you LET THEM! You never once defended her. It was all about what made life easier for you. Who cares if she can’t walk into a restroom without women laughing at her, why should Oliver Queen care that men eye fuck her?!” He glares at me, nostrils flaring. He wants to beat me and I want to let him.

He’s right. I never did defend her. If I’m honest, I liked that people assumed we were a sleeping together, not that she was a whore, because she is not. I liked that it kept men from approaching her, asking her out or even flirting with her. They’d look and they’d want her but I tried to always let them know, hands off! I was an asshole to think that was good enough for her. Sure, for me but not for her.

I had the luxury of her being mine without having to actually do any work. I am a bastard. Roy is talking again, “Do you know, when Ray took over the company, he kept her on, when the rumors started that she turned from you to him, he fired people? He made sure everyone knew to respect her. It was so easy for him to just step in, and shield her from all of it.” I look away. He won’t let me escape his judgement. 

“You could have done that but you never did. When Thea, your mom, Isabel, they all assumed she was fucking you, you could have said something, anything but you never did.” He has tears in his eyes, “Then Sara comes back and you start screwing her, right under Felicity’s nose and people treat her even worse, then she lost the last bit of respect because they assumed Sara was your girlfriend and Felicity was just a whore, but she never said a word.” He is shaking his head, he is now practically vibrating with anger while I tremble from the pain. “because of the team, because she was in love with your sorry ass. She just held her head high and kept on loving you!” I am a jackass. I want to do what I always do, run. It never occurred to me that people thought less of Felicity once Sara and I were involved. I thought they’d assume Felicity and I were just a rumor. Shit. Wait...was? was in love with me?

I should be focusing on what an ass I am, but all I hear is the past tense of her loving me. It is like someone cut out my heart. I can’t breath. I look away. He isn’t done with me though, I picked this fight, I wanted this pain but I think it is more than I can handle, I thought I protected her, maybe I fooled myself into believing I did so, I could keep her close but not too close. Roy is right, it was always about me. 

“Men still assume she will fuck them for the right price. They all want to know what Oliver Queen’s whore is like in bed. They hit on her, some accept her no, others not so much.” He shudders, I think he is remembering someone or something. A part of me wants to know what it is but a bigger part of me is afraid. “Some see her no as a challenge. All of this, she puts up with because she loves this team, this family.” He is walking away, leaving, thank god, I think, until his parting words.

“And all of it you could have protected her from, if only you had the balls. If only the great and powerful Oliver Queen could have taken his head out of his ass and thought of her, for a change and not with your dick.” He storms out. I sink to the mats. I don’t cry. I want to scream and cry. I want to run and find her, apologize for not seeing past my own selfish needs but I don’t. I need to think. I need to figure out what is right. 

Sin comes over and sits by me. I am lying on my side facing the wall. Just like when Slade killed my Mom right in front of me. Sin is sitting above my head, not Thea this time. She pats my head, “Felicity is strong. Roy feels guilty because she has been hurt. He’d die for her, you know.” I just keep staring. “Roy and me? We’re street kids, no parents worth speaking of and Felicity gets that. She is one of us, so we want to protect her.” Sin takes a breath, blows it out, “Felicity--she’s like the big sister we never had. Sara tried with me, but her ‘other’ life took her away but she gave me Felicity and Felicity gave me this team.” Sin says all this with such pride. I envy her pride of this team, this family. 

She stands, I hear her turning off the computers.She is straightening up things. getting ready to go home. It is already late. She and Roy didn’t come in until late. It was a slow night and Digg and Felicity took it off, “Do you want me to walk with you?” She starts to say no, but something changes her mind and she nods. I stand up and follow her up and out the door. 

We walk silently for awhile, “Roy will get over this, eventually.” I say nothing. We keep walking. “He just--she’s important to him, not like she’s important to you. How Thea is important to you. Like a sister or best friend.” I suck in a breath and stop walking, “Dude, you don’t hide it well, you are a shitty liar.” We start walking again. I try to think of something to say but, nothing comes to me. Sin starts to fill the silence, “Your lying sucks so bad it makes me wonder how you and Sara ever got away with cheating!” She laughs as she says it. I shrug, “People believe what they want to believe. Laurel wanted to believe in me.” I realize that’s the truth. Laurel always wanted to see the good in me and for some reason I felt compelled to never be good, with her or to her. Have I mention I’m a bastard? 

“I could tell you were gone over Felicity the first time you and Laurel came into the lair.” I cringe at the word lair and the memory of bringing Laurel with me. “If a guy ever looks at me, with the puppy dog eyes you look at Felicity with, I will kidnap him!” She says this so easily. How can a girl who lost so much, love so easily? No wonder Felicity likes the kid.

“No special guy in your life?” Finally I can contribute to the conversation. She laughs, shakes her head, “There was one but Digg and Roy pretty much ran him off. I cried. Felicity told me if they could run him off he wasn’t good enough for me.” She looks up at me, “She’s right.” I tell her. She laughs, “She usually is!” 

We are finally to Felicity’s street. It’s dark except for the street lamps. Normal people are in bed asleep. It’s a nice neighborhood. Suddenly Sin stops walking. I stop and look back and notice she is staring straight ahead. “What?” Then I notice a man, a tall man, kinda bulky, he reminds me of Slade in a way. I immediately feel the adrenaline kick in and am ready to fight. She puts her hand on my arm, “You should go.” I look from the man to her, we are almost on him now, “I don’t think so.” She shakes her head, “No, go. Okay Oliver.” I don’t listen to her. Just then John’s car pulls up and Roy comes around the corner. “Shit” I hear Sin mumble. 

“What are you doing here, Joe?” John asks the man as he gets out of his car. Sin and I are on the sidewalk in front of Felicity’s. John is standing in front of us. The man, Joe is on the steps leading into Felicity’s townhouse. Roy maneuvers between Joe and the door, blocking his way from getting in. Joe smiles but it’s not a warm smile. “I came to see her. I’ve missed her.” He looks at me. “Who’s the newbie?” John doesn’t turn around. Roy snorts. Sin just looks away. 

I decide to stop being an observer and be a team player. I move around John and up the stairs, “Oliver Queen.” I tell him. Roy is looking at me trying to convey something. The man’s face contorts into some unknown emotion, “NO! You had her already! It is MY TURN.” I move towards him with the intention of letting him know she is a person, not a toy and perhaps doing this with my fists. All of a sudden the front door opens. I look up to see Felicity. “What--Roy why are you on my stoop?” He pushes the screen door shut. She is taken aback. She glares at him.

Sin moves around me, I had her stashed behind me but as always with these women, she comes around and into danger, “Stay inside Lis, okay?” Felicity looks at the younger girl, then she seems to notice me, then John and finally Joe. I see the color drain from her face. Roy mumbles, “here we go--fuck.” Felicity pushes open the door. “Joe? You’re not supposed to be here.” She says it slowly like you would with a child. He smiles at her, “But I missed you, baby.” She swallows and stands up taller. “You still can’t be here, ever.” I know that tone, well. I see Sin dialing a number, and then ducking away to talk. 

Joe looks at everyone then back to Felicity, “Come on baby, it--you know I want you, I will give you ANYTHING you want.” I feel like I might throw up. Felicity seems like she might also vomit at any moment. Digg has had enough, he walks past me and up to Joe and levels him in one shot with his fist. Felicity gasps, “You didn’t hurt him did you?” She asks coming to Joe’s side. John looks at her like she has lost her mind, “Hopefully.” He deadpans. She gives him a look. He gives it back. “Felicity, I know you are miss anti-violence but the man has a more than mild obsession with you, he took you from us, had we not found you who knows what would have happened and might I add, he was trying to get into your townhouse, tonight--again!”

She blushes and looks contrite then smiles up at John, “I know--I know--It’s just. I feel bad for him.” John shakes his head. “I feel bad for ME. I am the one Lyla will yell at if anything happens to you.” He walks over and kisses her on the forehead then wraps her in his arms. “So, no more being nice to the psycho! Got it?” she nods and smiles that adorable smile. I think they’ve all lost their minds. 

Captain Lance shows up. He looks at everyone then does a double take on me and walks over, “where’s Laurel?” I look away, “We broke up.” He smiles, “Thank heavens. Sorry Queen but I don’t want you with either of my daughters.” I just nod and think ‘ditto’. He arrested the guy and all must be well with everyone. He was a bit rough with the guy but for once, I am on Lance’s side. Lance looks at Felicity, “You will be pressing charges, right?” She looks away then to John and nods. 

John tells Roy and Sin to get inside. They are both staying with Felicity, I guess. He talks to her for a minute then ushers her inside. He comes back down the steps and stops in front of me, “Thanks for getting Sin home.” He starts for his car, “Who the hell was that guy?” He looks up at the house then back to me, “Get in, I’ll drive you back and we can talk.”

As soon as he starts the car, I start, “John? Who was that guy and what has he done to her?” John takes his eyes off the road for a second to look at me, then back to the road. It’s only about a three minute drive this time of night. “That was Joseph Rockwell of the Starling City Rockwell’s. I think you know them.” I do. Not well, we ran in the same circles. He is a few years older than I am so we never were friends. 

“When Joe heard Felicity was single he started pursuing her.” I have a bad feeling about this, I feel this is one of the people Roy was talking about, damn it. “When Felicity kindly declined his offer, he didn’t take it well. At first it was gifts, she’d send back. Then he started showing up where she was and then, when he found out she was dating, just not him--he took her.” I am completely shocked. “How long was she missing?” I feel numb. I feel dead inside, how could I not have known she was missing! 

“She was gone about three hours.” We arrive at the lair. We both just sit there. “Why didn’t you tell me?” My voice is weak even to my own ears. John looks away before speaking, “She had asked me or rather told me, if things escalated and he took her, if anyone ever took her, I was not to tell you.” I think about this, what possible reason would there be to not tell me. “Why not?” I would have moved heaven and earth and stormed through hell for her. 

John looks at me and sighs. A deep sigh that means he doesn’t want to tell me but he will, “because she knew Laurel would be pissed if you went looking for her. I--we all knew you probably would come help us, maybe...but Felicity didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize your happiness. All she’s ever wanted was for you to be happy.” I gulp. I look away from him. I can feel the tears in my eyes. All I ever needed to be happy was her. I would not have cared what Laurel thought, I never truly have cared what she thought. What does John mean “Maybe?” I ask, He takes a moment, “We never thought you’d give up being Arrow, seemed like you gave up everything but Laurel.” He shrugs. John is nicely calling me out for being a shithead. 

“Why isn’t he in jail? That’s kidnapping!” John smiles at me like I am stupid, which I am. “He has money and most of this city sees Felicity as a--it doesn’t matter. He has money and money talks.” I cringe and whisper, “They think that because of me.” He just nods. “She isn’t mad about that. She is hurt you--you abandoned her, man. She did everything to be a good girl and you left anyways.” He looks out the window, wipes his hand down his face, “just like her dad.” I look out the window, “A good girl?” John makes a noise, “yeah, that’s what she said the night she realized you were gone. It was like she was 6 years old again. Broke my heart.”

I can feel the tears threatening to fall. I take a deep breath. The kind that you hear the tears in. I did that to her. Knowing her issues I still did that to her. I walked away. 

“Do I stand a chance with her John?” He looks at me. “Do you want a chance, Oliver? A real chance?” I can’t believe he doubts me for a second but then I think of my past, “Yes.” He nods, “Then if you work hard and can win back the rest of us, she MIGHT give you a shot. Maybe. She is Felicity and not known for being mean.” He laughs. 

 

But I remember, I walked away from her. She has shared very few things with me but one of them is that she was scared to lose me. Scared I’d leave like her dad. And I did. I open the door, get out and head to my cot. 

Should I leave? Part of me wants to run away. I know if I do she won’t come get me this time. She won’t make it all better. I am too selfish to leave her. I need her too much. I wasn’t lying when I told Laurel I need Felicity like I need air and water. I was existing those months with Laurel. It was like I was on the island again. I fall asleep wondering if I can even make this better.


	4. better than revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver finds out many things about his lady love and he is Oliver, so he also screws things up a bit...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thanks for being patient! Between my birthday and SDCC I was a busy bee. 
> 
> This chapter should probably be two chapters but..I couldn't figure out where to break it up...and well, it was longer. The title of the chapter is because I used the song in this chapter. Yes, I love Taylor Swift. Hate on her if you must but I adore her. Also, the emails in this chapter...well, I did this for a few reasons..one to get Felicity's voice heard, as this is Oliver's account. Second because my best friend and I had "Silly books" in college which is where we wrote down everything about a guy to share with each other. We went to different colleges so on breaks or weekend we'd switch so the other would know our deepest thoughts about the new love. I didn't call it a silly book in the story. Lastly I included it because I was reading "Attachments" (I highly recommend it!) 
> 
> Disclaimer I don't own Arrow nor do I have any ownership of Taylor Swift's Better than Revenge. 
> 
> I hope you like this chapter!

I am awoken by the overhead lights. I had just fallen asleep or so I felt. I barely can open my eyes because of   
the light. Then I see her doing her morning routine, turning on the computers, plugging in her iPod and singing along. I wonder, does she remember I live here now. I walk over to the computer desk and lean on it. She ignores me. I move closer. She still ignores me. Finally I can’t take it..

“Last night? Joe? Crazy!” She looks at me. I knew it was lame the moment it left my lips. I sound stupid but, she looked at me! Of course the look said ‘do you have a brain injury?’ I smile. She stares. My smile falters. She looks back to her computers. I sigh and walk away. I am embarrassed. How did I ever get a reputation as a playboy? That’s right sleeping with nameless, faceless women that I didn’t care to have a conversation with, playboy synonym for asshole.

As I start to walk away, she rolls back keeping pace with me. I stop and look down. She looks up and tilts her head. It reminds me of the day we met. I smile. “Are you staying?” I nod. She nods, turns her chair and rolls back. I think she looked at me for thirty seconds! I’ll take it. Now, to get her to say ‘Oliver’. 

Since I’m up, I decide to workout, it’s like old times. I love hearing her type and every once in awhile make a noise. I notice her looking at me once, she quickly turned away. I should not be so happy about one tiny peek. After a couple of hours, I see her moving. She is gathering her things. “Leaving so soon?” She halts, doesn’t turn, “Some of us have day jobs.” She walks out. I smile. She’s talking--at me. I do a Felicity Smoak fist pump. 

I was pretty excited and happy with myself. I decided to go out and enjoy some daylight and maybe look for a day job. As luck, or un-luck would have it, I run into Laurel. “Hi.” I look at her, she doesn’t seem sad, “Hi, Laurel. How are you?” We talk, she asks what I’m up to and I tell her job hunting. “We need people to serve subpoenas! I’ll hire you. It’s not Queen money but it will pay the bills.” I think about it, and I don’t have a better offer and I can do the job. I agree to take it. 

We have dinner to celebrate. Have I mentioned I am not a good decision maker? I realize half way through dinner, as we are talking, that this is a lot like a date and it reminds me of old times. Happier times. In my heart, I know, I would give anything to be here with Felicity but, that isn’t an option at the moment. It’s getting late and Laurel drives me back--home. She mentions that if I give her my social security card and other ID she can have HR put me in the system and, I can start as soon as a couple of days from now. I invite her in while I retrieve the information she needs. 

I open the door and we start to make our way downstairs. I hear loud music. A song is blaring. I think I hear people singing along. No one was going to be here tonight. Or at least, I didn’t think so. I realize I don’t really know the comings and goings of the rest of them. I barely know my own. I turn to Laurel who is laughing, “It’s Taylor Swift’s ‘Better than Revenge’. Someone is in a mood.” We make our way down the steps and turn into the main area. Felicity and Sin are on the ‘dining’ table singing loudly and dancing. 

She's not a saint  
And she's not what you think  
She's an actress, whoa  
She's better known  
For the things that she does  
On the mattress, whoa  
Soon she's gonna find  
Stealing other people's toys  
On the playground won't  
Make you many friends  
She should keep in mind  
She should keep in mind  
There is nothing I do better than revenge

 

Sin is more or less just shaking her head and screaming lyrics. Felicity is wearing shorts, they make her legs look impossibly long for a short girl and a tee shirt. A small tee shirt that makes everything seem, well rounded, I smirk at myself. She is also dancing suggestively to the beat and her hair is flying around her face.Rotating her hips at the talk of mattress. Damn. She is sexy. My lips are suddenly dry, I lick them. My jaw must be hanging open because Laurel pushes it shut, looks up and laughs at me. I look at her and shrug. I can’t help myself. I’ve never seen this side of Felicity and...and...it’s hot. 

Suddenly Laurel and I are laughing, I notice the music is off. I turn to where Felicity was and she isn’t there. She is across the room. I see her looking at the iPod and then drop her head. I think she is embarrassed but she shouldn’t be, at all. Damn. Suddenly, Sin is right by Laurel, “Sorry didn’t think you’d be here.” She looks at me, then to Laurel, “Hi! I’m Sin.” Laurel looks at her hand then slowly takes it and shakes it, “Laurel. Lance.” Sin nods and walks over to Felicity. 

They are whispering something I can’t make out. I look to Laurel and she shrugs. Then she moves over to my cot and sits down. I walk over to Felicity who notices and moves away. “hey. hey, Felicity- I’m sorry we interrupted your dance party.” She doesn’t look at me, not even in my direction. Shit. She says nothing, Sin does, “Don’t worry, dude. We can continue this at home. Right, Lis?” She looks over at Felicity who shrugs, and still hasn’t raised her head. Either she is embarrassed, sad or crying? I try and bend down to see under her but it’s no use. I wish I could touch her but she asked me not to do that, and I am respecting that request.

After a couple of seconds, Felicity goes to the computers grabs her bags and flees. Sin gives me a death glare. “What?” She stomps over to the cot where Laurel is seated and flipping through a book I left there. “ YOU shouldn’t be here.” She says to Laurel then looks to me, “You know Oliver, I gave you a shot. I thought you HAD to be a decent guy!” She looks down at Laurel who stands up and moves next to me, “But you bring HER here? Really? Seriously?” Laurel and I just look at each other. Sin sighs. She throws one more glare and heads to the computers. She shuts them down and then looks at me and gives us both the middle finger. 

“What was that all about? You can’t have friends over?” I look at Laurel. “I honestly have no idea.” I grab the stuff she needs, she says she’ll take care of it and call me when my first assignment is ready. I thank her for the job and walk her to her car. No kiss. Just friends saying goodbye. I walk in and can’t decide what to do. I go to my cot to stare at the ceiling. I am thinking about the day’s events. I remember Felicity dancing in her shorts. Then I remember her not looking at me. Not speaking. Why? I am wracking my brain to figure it out then it hits me. I brought Laurel here. Shit. She may think I’m working things out with Laurel, again. I fall into a fitful sleep. 

I’m awoken by voices. I sit up and look. I see nothing. I slowly make my way to the stairs. The majority of the steps are hidden from the main room. I can tell the voices are on the stairs, before I decide to make myself known, I eavesdrop. I tell myself to prepare for a fight but, I know I am lying to myself. Is it a sign of insanity to lie to oneself? 

“I can’t! you check!” It’s Felicity. I hear someone sigh, “I’m too young to be traumatized that bad, you do it!” Felicity groans, “If you care at all about MY psyche; you’ll do this for me.” Nothing. Then I hear them making a noise that I think is them playing rock, paper, scissor since there was counting. Felicity must lose, “Fine I’ll check..” Suddenly Sin moves, I can tell it’s her by the heavy thump of her boots. 

“No, Lis. I’ll do it. You love the man and seeing him wrapped up in that uh, woman, isn’t something you should have to see.” Sin sounds resigned.  
“I’m not in love with him...I just rather not be subjected to THAT this early in the morning.” Sin snorts, “Ok, Lis. Whatever. But note that if it were Digg or Roy, we wouldn’t have played a game to see who has to peek in on loverboy.” 

I smile. She still cares. Realizing I’m about to be busted I jog over to the other side and turn on the lights. I hear both women startle, then make their way downstairs. Carefully looking around. “Good Morning Ladies.” They look at each other and then at me. “Booty call must have not went well.” Felicity gasps at Sin’s bravado. I shrug, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

“Last night, you and Laurel. Here. The Cot. Ringing any bells?” I look at them, “Oh, no Laurel was here to get some paperwork.” They once again look at each other. It is funny but not funny. “Oh.” That is all Felicity says. I don’t let it go, I follow her over to the desk, “I decided to get one of those day jobs you were talking about and she has an opening.” 

She doesn’t look at me or say anything for a minute. “Oh, that’s nice. Good for you.” She goes to her iPod. I want to break something. She could have at least said, “Good for you OLIVER.” But no. I realize bringing Laurel here was a HUGE mistake. Felicity now thinks I am having sex with Laurel again. SHIT. Why don’t I ever think these things through? Is there a way to casually admit that you aren’t sleeping with someone to the person you really REALLY want in your bed, your life and is already a part of your soul? Probably not.

Sin is over in the kitchenette, I decide she is my best bet. I walk over and stand next to her, leaning against the counter, “I didn’t bring Laurel here for sex.” Sin grunts. “I didn’t. She said she get the ball rolling on a job. That’s it. She left right after you two did.” I am staring down at Sin. She is fascinated with the coffee that is brewing. “You don’t believe me?” 

Sin looks at me, “It doesn’t matter what I think. It matters what she thinks.” She nods toward Felicity. I stare at my beautiful girl. “She thinks Laurel and I were here for sex? In the l..lair.” I decide to go with it. Everyone else calls it that. Can’t beat ‘em, join em. “Dude, wouldn’t be the first Lance you did in the sacred Lair.” I like Sin. Her honesty is usually refreshing. Today? It is hard to take. I’m getting angrier, the longer I stand here. Fuck it. I toss a plastic jar across the tiny kitchenette. 

I march over to Felicity. I know the last time I did this it didn’t end well, but damn it, I have to do SOMETHING. I spin her chair around and lean on the arms to trap her. She gulps. Good. “I did NOT bring Laurel here for sex.” She still isn’t making eye contact. I don’t leave her personal space. “She took me to dinner to celebrate a job, then dropped me here and realized she could get the paper work and my job would start sooner.” She still doesn’t look up. 

“Fe-li-ci-ty?” she swallows still not looking up.I decide to drop to my knees, at her shocked expression I smile. I also decide to take a risk, “You staring at my dick? Not helping my overwhelming attraction to you.” She makes a squeaky noise and looks me in the eyes. There we go. “Laurel is my past. YOU are my future. I didn’t come back here just for the team or even to be the Arrow again, I came back here for YOU.” Her eyes bulge and her mouth drops open. That perfect beautiful mouth. MUST STOP THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT. I clear my throat. “I feel you should know. I am going to do anything and everything to show you that YOU are the girl for me, the only girl for me.” I stand up and walk away. 

I hear Felicity run up the stairs and out the door. I head to the shower. A nice ice cold shower. When I come out Sin is at the computers. She spins around. “Rich boy found his backbone, heart and hard-on all in one day.” She claps. I walk over to where she is and smile, “I’m not rich any longer. While I appreciate your support, don’t mention hard-ons to me again.” She salutes me. I go to work out. 

I am doing some push ups when I see John enter my line of vision. I stop and look up. He smiles. “Told her you were here for her, eh?” I am sitting on the mats knees up arms on my knees, “yep. Felt she should know.” He smiles and nods. “You freaked her out. You know that right?” I smile, “I’m aware, yes.” He nods again, he puts his hand to his heart, “I’m hurt! I thought you and me had a thing!” I laugh and he goes to change, “Sparring you and me, ten minutes.” I laugh. Of course, John wants to kick my ass for upsetting her. God, it feels good to be back. 

Kicked my ass he did but, not as bad as last time. “You’ve been working out.” I nod. “Good. When do you want to try field work again?” I thought about it and realized it should be his choice not mine, “When you think I am ready. Physically, mentally and have the team’s backing.” John smiles and I know I said the right thing. I meant what I said, they need to trust me and I need to be prepared. “Okay. How about tonight you do some patrolling with me? A trial run?” 

“Sure.” 

John goes to shower and change. I know he has a real job now too. When he’s done he comes out, “I should be done with my shift by 10.” He jogs up the stairs and is gone. I still have nothing to do. I could work out. Go for a run. I decide to snoop. I haven’t been here much since they get it all set up. 

I will not snoop in Felicity’s desk, I tell myself. I go through boxes of stuff that are in the storage area. Most of it seems to be research that Felicity has done and Roy’s stuff. I know his house was demolished after Slade’s attack. I had heard that looters got to it while he was with me. I make a mental note that when I get my finances settled I will buy him a new place. He earned it. 

I find some boxed of Sin’s things too. I guess she is homeless. Mostly it looks like old mementos. I don’t go through her boxes. I try to respect things. I see some boxes marked ‘sara’. I want to go through them but I don’t. As I get ready to leave the small room, I notice a box marked ‘IMPORTANT OLIVER’S DO NOT OPEN’ I shrug and open it. I am Oliver after all. 

Inside I find clippings of all the vigilante’s work, I find clippings of my CEO work and programs I had helped with that weren’t public knowledge. I find some pictures of me at various galas, charity functions and even QC events. Then under that is a scrapbook. I open it and find pictures of John and Felicity and myself. I stash one away of Felicity and I, for safe keeping. Another lie to myself. This is getting ridiculous. I find tons of articles about the Arrow. There are even notes written in pen beside some of the articles correcting some of the information. 

I look and find another box inside this box. It’s an oblong box and it is taped with layers of duct tape. I look around and find no scissors so I take it to my cot. I finally find some scissors and cut it open. I find a scrapbook inside. On the outside it says 

Felicity Smoak: 

Oliver Queen

I cock my head to the side wondering two things, what is this book and why does Felicity have one with my name on it? I open it and it is print offs of emails, a couple of napkins, a few receipts, a hotel pad from Russia--why would she want that in here? Various other items..Felicity made a scrapbook? About me? I decide to read the first page..my name is on it! I rationalize. 

 

Lindsay-  
I can’t believe I am doing this! I doubt I will ever see him again, but..a deal is a deal. In keeping with our agreement I will make this book..even if it just one entry.

Entry 1

Today I was sitting in my office minding my own business...well other people’s as I was making sure people weren’t breaking rules....it was a slooow day. Then I hear someone clearing their throat. I assumed it was the creeper. ‘Twas not! I turn with my pen in my mouth! Classy I am! There before me stands a real life greek (or whatever his heritage!) god. My mouth falls open, I know..I’m cool. Be jealous. 

“Felicity Smoak? I’m Oliver Queen” Then he smiled. A panty dropping smile.. and Linz! I babble! I babble about his dead dad. *face palm* We talk and he asks me to get info off a hard drive. He says “I spilled a latte on it.” mmmhmmm...it had bullet holes! What the crap? I call him on it...forgetting he could fire me, I guess. Brilliant Smoak. He sticks with his story saying his coffee shop is in a bad neighborhood! Uh huh. You’re Oliver Queen for pete’s sake. Get that shit delivered! Whatever. 

I sorta met a boy. 

Entry 2  
Found his info. Brought up Shakespeare and how this was a family issue and count me out. He HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT!! His comeback? “I never studied Shakespeare at any of the four colleges I dropped out of...” or something to that effect, And he wasn’t ashamed! I was stunned. Then he looked embarrassed? I don’t know. FOUR COLLEGES and no Shakespeare...

Oliver Queen is lucky he is gorgeous and has that “thing” not his “THING” but that indescribable “thing”. I mean...I am certain he has a THING..unless something really, really bad happened on that island. GUH! Can you imagine. 

I’ll probably never see him again...except in my dreams. I mean, why did HE have to enter my life as I decide to join a book club that insists on reading “Fifty Shades of Grey”, what demi-god did I piss on to deserve this! Oliver Queen as Christian Grey! Yours Truly as Anastasia Steele. Oy Vey! 

Lissy-

Holy Mother of Pearl! You met the world’s most eligible, back from the dead, playboy bachelor! I googled him and he is to die for! OMG. PLEASE make him your Christian Grey. Who cares if the boy lies like a rug and badly..Unless you’re right and his THING is gone. EEP! Did he smell good? I love a man who smells good with a bit of sweat...OH GOD. Please sniff him if you can! 

Greek god? See him nekkid and soak it in and tell me alllll about it. That’s what friends are for, ya know. I get not knowing Shakespeare is horrible to you but there are worse things..like *looks to google* HE WENT OFF ON THAT BOAT WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND’S SISTER!

ABORT SHIP!!!  
Lissy, this boy is Trouble. Just enjoy the view. Do whatever WORK he demands and slowly back away from the crazy hot guy. He makes Mr Grey’s fifty shades seem like, well, Edward Cullen. BACK AWAY FROM THE HOTTIE! 

Linz

 

I flip through it and it is tons of emails between Felicity and Lindsay. Talking about me in mostly abstract terms after she learns my secret. I want to look through it. I engage in a mental fight with myself. I pack the box back up and head for the salmon ladder. I need to think. Felicity finds me attractive (or did). Good. Felicity knew I was lying but helped me anyways (Duh). I need to read some Shakespeare. Wonder if they have Cliff Notes for all of his works. I know I SHOULD read them all but, I get bored. I also need to find out about this Grey book. 

I am on my fifth round when I hear Felicity come in. I keep going. I have an idea. Probably a stupid one but it’s all I got, “Felicity?” I keep moving. I see her stiffen. Wait a beat. “Yes?” I go up another level, “Can I ask you a question?” I see her shoulders move like she is laughing, “You just did!” I go up another level and assume her snark is an invitation to ask, “Who is Christian Grey?” 

She drops papers, the pen she was holding and her coffee take away cup. Lucky for me her “babies” are not damaged. I jump down and go to get a towel. I jog over and help her clean up the mess. She never looks at me. Grabs her papers and goes back to the desk. “Felicity? Christian Grey?” I move to stand behind her chair. She swivels and almost hits me. “Why?” She barely whispers and doesn’t look at my face. She is staring straight ahead, at my dick..again. There are worse things. I shrug.

“I read something, heard something about him. I wondered. You are the all knowing one.” I smirk. She stands and so I move back just enough to allow her to stand. She is pacing, “He’s a character in a book. A book that was a fanfiction of Twilight.” I nod. “What is Twilight and what is so amazing about him? Tommy mentioned Twilight once” She gulps. “H-H-He has this red room of pain...he is into things...he finds an innocent girl...they have sex...well they fuck hard..” She swallows again and blushes. I wish I could enjoy this more but my dick is twitching and I am getting very turned on. I am not into things, at least I assume I’m not, I don’t want things are and I have no fucking clue what a red room of pain is but, Felicity said “fuck” and it has to do with actual sex. I forget about Twilight because this is getting interesting. 

“They fall in love or what some people call love. The book was a best seller. Mommy Porn, if you will.” She seems satisfied with her answer and heads back to the desk, she sighs in relief. I’m not done yet, “Did you read it?” Her face is in flames and she gulps. “I-I-I my book club did, so yeah.” she shrugs. I can tell she is trying to make me think it is nothing. “Hmmm...this girl told me I would make an awesome Christian Grey...what do you think?” I lean my butt on the desk so I can face her. As I ask, I do a Felicity and tilt my head. 

Her hands are literally shaking. I watch her search for an answer, “The truth please?” She pulls her lips into her mouth and closes her eyes and wrinkles her nose. She is so cute, “Yes. If you are into that kind of thing, which I have no idea if you are--but I guess, yes.” That’s my girl. Not able to look at me or say my name but she doesn’t lie to me. I smile.

“You say some people’s idea of love. What’s your idea of love?” Her jaw drops and she makes another face. I wait. “What’s yours?” I smirk, “Asked you first.” She wets her lips, cocks her head and replies, “Love to me is wanting the other person to be happy even if it’s not with you. It’s having a best friend that sees all the parts, you try to keep hidden but still accepts you. Love is wanting to be with that person because together you are better than either of you are apart. But you can be apart...it’s just better being together...it’s about being strong enough to be with someone. to let them see things and suffer things with you but letting them make it better. Loving someone completely and honestly, takes a strength most people don’t have so, they settle for something less than love.” 

Her answer takes my breath away. The sincerity and thoughtfulness she put into it. She says, “Your turn.” I shake my head and walk away. I say over my shoulder, “Until just now I thought love was making sure that person is safe, even from yourself. Being close but not too close. Being willing to die for that person and being okay that they were better off without you” 

“And now?” she asks quietly. 

“Now, I think it’s everything you said. Maybe love is about being with the person who makes you better. Maybe denying yourself someone for their sake is just harming both halves of a single whole. Those two work well apart but together. Together they are so much more. Perhaps truly loving someone does take a rare type of strength.”

I hear her let out a breath. I go back to the salmon ladder. She sneaks at least three peeks. I think about what she said and what I said. She has a better grasp on love but I think I’m learning. She is my best friend. I’d give her up for her to be happy. She makes me stronger and better. Do I do that for her, though? When I’m done, I actually strut to the water cooler. 

 

We are alone most of the night. Sin has night classes. Roy is working in the club and Digg won’t be in until ten.  
She goes to change. She returns in her short shorts and tee shirt. I think we have an oxygen deficiency in here. I suddenly am very warm and can’t breath. She starts stretching on the mats. “What are you doing?” She stops and looks at me. I had been reading waiting for John to get here so we could patrol. 

“Digg is going to run me through some stuff after you two patrol.” Oh great. I sit next to her on the mats. I am still in my cargo pants. “Felicity.” She stops and turns toward me, “yes.” I motion for her to come sit by me. She does but leaves a lot more space than I indicated. She is sitting crossed leg on the mats. “Why don’t you look at me?” She looks in my general direction, “I do look at you.” I smirk and shake my head, “No. you look towards me and maybe at my chest, over my shoulder or lower but, you don’t look me in the eye.” She looking down at her lap and shrugs. 

“Please tell me.” 

She takes in a deep breath and continues staring at her lap. I think she is going to ignore my request when I hear her in a very soft voice, “I don’t want you to see me.” I am so confused. “I see you.” She rolls her eyes and looks away.I know whatever she says is important. I know it may hurt me but, if I’m going to make things right, I need to know. She gathers her strength and her voice, “I don’t want you to see me. The real me. The me, I selflessly let you see all the time before. I was stupid to let it all just hang out.” She pauses for a moment, “Be-before you left m-US, it felt like--like sometimes you could see me--my true self and you were okay with it.” she peeks up at me, “I don’t want to be vulnerable like that again. Ever.” 

I feel crushed by her words. She left herself vulnerable to me. She opened her heart and soul to me. She told me she feared being left again and I left. She never hid her feeling about me, from me. Whether I meant to or not I abused that privilege. I look at her, “Look at me, please” she hesitates but she does it, “I am sorry. I shouldn’t have done so many things--” I hear John coming in, “We will continue this later.” She nods but I can tell she is relieved John is here. 

“Oliver, give me a minute to change then we can head out.” I get up and go to change. I decide to just change by the cot in my makeshift bedroom. John has seen it all before and Felicity doesn’t look at me. I am about to pull my leather pants over my ass when I hear a sharp intake of breath. I smile. Felicity just got an eyeful. I turn but it’s Laurel. Shit. I turn back around but not before I see Felicity see me and Laurel. This is innocent and before I left Felicity would have accepted that but now? I don’t know. She’s gone before I can pull my pants up. All the times in my life to be caught, literall,y with my pants down, is now?


	5. like we never loved at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver needs to explain what Felicity saw..this leads to a discussion about their feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Once again thanks for the comments and kudos. I know it may seem redundant to say this every time but it really isn't! it really is appreciated. 
> 
> I'm excited about this chapter because it moves the story along. Read it and you will see! 
> 
> I hope you like it as much as I.

I pulled my pants up, I paused by Laurel, “Uh sorry I gotta go.” She looked at me. “You’ve changed, Ollie.” I smile at her, “Yeah I have. I’m sorry , I have to--.” She nods her head “Do you want me to talk to her? Explain?” I shake my head and sprint up the stairs after Felicity. I see her getting in her car and I kick it up a notch. I reach her car, and slid into the side and grab her door, as she starts to shut it, “Felicity, wait.” She stops tugging on the door but doesn’t look at me, “It isn’t what you think, okay?” I can hear the desperate plea in my voice. “Please?” She does nothing so I take that as a yes. 

I don’t know what to do. Should I stand here over her, do I try to go to the passenger seat, ask her to come back in or what? I don’t want to intimidate her but, I also don’t want her to leave. I finally decide to go around and get in the passenger side. As I am walking in front of the car, praying she doesn’t suddenly turn the car on, hit me and more importantly keep me from explaining. I sit down and turn in the seat towards her, “I was only changing. Laurel was only here--uh, I’m not sure maybe to drop off work?” I am trying to see her face. I keep moving forward but she turns further away from me. I miss when things were so easy between us. 

She is staring straight ahead now. She very softly speaks, “I know.” I am filled with such relief I feel like my chest could explode. “You know. Really?” She nods, “Yes. I know you. Well, I did KNOW you..but I don’t think you’d--you’d have sex where Sin or Roy could just walk in.” I look away. I am happy she believes I have some moral fiber yet, she thinks her walking in would be okay. “Felicity. First I don’t want Laurel. Second I would never do that to you.”

She sniffles and wipes her nose. I hear a barely audible, “Wouldn’t be the first time.” I know Sin brought up my past indiscretion but, I never thought it bothered Felicity. Aside from John saying she felt left out, she never really acted upset. “I am sorry about that. It was mean and cruel.” She shakes her head, “It’s your place to do as you please and it’s really none of my business. It never has been.” I shake my head this time, like we are both about to shake our heads off our bodies, “It was wrong. Both places have been much more you than me.” I don’t comment on the remark about it being none of her business. Technically maybe she is right but--I never should have done the things I did.

She smirks, since when does she smirk? “I guess I could go get Ray, screw him on the mats, let you find the evidence..we’d be even.” My heart stops. My chest hurts. I grind my teeth then flex my jaw. I start rolling my thumb and finger as if I am playing with an arrow. Oh, how I would like to put an arrow in that guy. I’m starting to sweat. I think I may be having a heart attack. I haven’t cried in years but I want more than anything to run away and cry. Instead, I do my other best thing, I get selfish, “You and Ray?--You’re a couple?” My mouth is dry. I feel dizzy. I could be wrong but I may pass out. 

She turns to me, tilts her head and really looks at me, “Why do you care?” I’ve stopped breathing. I am lost. What can I say or do, at this moment. “I-I...I love you. I’m in love with you. It kills me to think of some guy--” I slam my hand on the console, she jumped when I hit the console and looks at me with such confusion, how can she not get it? I calm down, I’m too calm. “I don’t want some punk touching you. I don’t want him to get to know you, in ways I don’t.” I whisper these things. I can’t bear to say them louder. I guess I hope whispering will make the raw emotion less real. 

She turns her head towards the windshield, then back to me three times, “You...you can’t get in my car and say stuff like that. It’s not fair. It’s actually cruel. You know how I feel about you, how I’ve always felt about you. I am finally moving on!”

Wait a second. “Then why did you run? If you are moving on.” I see her take a shaky breath and swallow, “I don’t know?” It comes out like a question. Damn, Felicity Smoak can’t lie to me, either. What a pair. I feel a smile coming on but I hide it. Now is not the time to get cocky, Queen. 

“You can tell me anything. I promise.”

I notice her eyes get wide and she gulps. I can tell she is debating being honest. She is making faces and I want to laugh but I promised. “I ran because-- I don’t know why, Okay? Maybe it was seeing Laurel there and you half naked...Maybe it was seeing YOU half naked. Maybe it sparked a dead flame.. Maybe I am just a nutcase who really needs to be kept away from normal people.” She’s frustrated and I am happy and I know I am a jerk because I am glad. I school my features into a serious face. 

“I don’t think you need to be kept away from me. I’m far from normal.” She looks at me. “Marooned on a not so deserted island. Puts arrows in people. Both of my parents planned a mass murder.” She looks confused. “What I am saying is: maybe we are both crazy and should be kept away from people.”

She smiles. It is a real smile, one of the few she’s had around me since I came back (that’s two in the car). “At least we have each other, right?” She remarks. My heart soars. Yes! Progress. Then I see her face turn to shock. I know she is going to backtrack so I speak first and fast, “Yep. You and me. Forever. Who needs normal. I hear it’s boring.” As much as I miss her babbles, I couldn’t let her step back from me. She looks me in the eyes again and smiles. I smile back. I haven’t smiled this much in so long my cheeks hurt but, I don’t care. 

Out of the corner of my eye I see Laurel leaving. I feel Felicity tense up beside me. Laurel waves as she pulls out. I wave back. Felicity just stares. Shit, I’m losing her. I decide to go with my strengths, “You coming in? We’re just patrolling but it is my first time back out..” I leave it hanging hoping she takes the hint. 

“Do you want me too?” 

“I always want you.” Yes, I mean tonight waiting for me but, I also mean I want her. I don’t know if she gets my double meaning and I don’t need her to understand. There is time. We both open our doors and get out. She hits the fob locking her door. I go to her to walk in, she grabs my arm to stop me, “I had no right to act out like that or to even care what you do nor who you choose to do it with, I’m sorry.” What? I grab her by the shoulders and tell her the truth, “I am glad you ran. I am glad you still care.” I shrug like it’s no big deal but, it’s everything. 

We go back downstairs and Digg is sitting at the desk waiting. “We good?” He looks at Felicity, not me, when he asks the question. She smiles, “Yes, Big Brother.” He hugs her. They remind me of Thea and me.Then he turns to me with a stern expression, “Let’s go.”

We make our way towards The Glades. We have comms but they are not on, yet. I can tell in the car Digg is upset. “Oliver. I think it would be best, if Laurel didn’t come by anymore.” He’s driving. I look over at him and I can tell he is mad and trying to control it. “Just tell me, John.” We arrive and get out of the car. I’m not pushing him to spill and he isn’t offering anything. I grab my bow and quiver, when I go to turn on my comm, he stills my hand. 

“Listen man, I get it. You had to try one more time with Laurel. But she--she’s--Damn is Felicity’s babbling incoherently contagious.” He smiles. I don’t. I’m not sure where this is going. “Oliver, Laurel isn’t the kindest person to me, which I don’t give a shit about. I’m a big boy. But Felicity has been through enough. She has no compassion towards Felicity or her situation” I think about what he is saying and I know Laurel can be condescending at times but, I don’t see her as mean.

“John. I know Laurel is a sore spot between you and I. I am well aware that I hurt Felicity and you by choosing Laurel or being easily led away that day but, that is the past.” John is looking at me like I am the crazy person with a knife, no shirt on and drunk on COPS. “Oliver, she treats Felicity like she is nothing. Less than nothing. I don’t like it. Either you keep her away or I won’t be held responsible for what happens.” Just like that the conversation was over. He turned on his comm and motioned for me to do the same. 

It was an easy night. A couple of break-ins, a carjacking and a street fight. John called it a night. We drove back to the lair. As I got out John grabbed my arm, “Oliver listen man.. I know you THINK you love Felicity but I KNOW she loves you. Just for now, keep Laurel away or maybe--step back and watch. Think about how she acted the first time she was in the lair, or when she met Felicity.” I nod and get out. 

I make my way inside and down the steps. I see Felicity at her computers.I start taking off the hood and my t shirt. Leaving only my leather pants on. I walk up behind her to see what she is doing. Okay that is a lie, I walk up behind her to be close to her but my story, if asked, is I wanted to see what she was doing. I can smell her hair. Geez, I am one of those douchebags now? But it does smell wonderful. I inhale. Loudly. 

“Oh my god, you scared me!” She is now standing in front of me. “Are you okay? You look--” I smile. “I’m fine. It was great to get back out there.” She sucks her bottom lip in. Her eyes are darting between my eyes and my chest. I smile bigger. The next time she looks back up, I will make a move I tell myself. She looks up. I give her a look. I hope it says “I like what I see too.” I quirk my eyebrow. I see her start to blush and look at the floor. I put my thumb under chin so she looks back up at me. I see her eyes go big as I press my lips to hers. 

I, Oliver Jonas Queen, have kissed many women. Too many. I have never kissed someone like Felicity. Her lips are so soft. She tastes so sweet. Innocent. Yet, I can tell she has kissed a few men in her time.She is a very, very good kisser. With that thought I step up my kissing game because I want her to forget every other man and every other kiss. I want her to remember this kiss forever. I put everything I can into it. 

She puts her arms around my neck and grabs the small hairs of my head. I push my tongue to her lips and she opens with a moan.. I push my hips into her. I need more. I lift her up and sit her on the desk. I stand between her legs. I don’t want to ever stop kissing her. But as I go to put my hand under her sweater, she rips her mouth from mine. We’re both panting. I press my forehead to hers. 

She is gasping for breath, “Where--why--what--” She looks adorable. All flushed from the kissing, confused eyes and glasses askew on her face. She fixed the glasses, “Why..I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.” She pushes me back. I know if I let her go I will lose her. 

“Hey.” I say to get her to look up at me and she does. There are tears in her eyes, “What’s wrong?” She shakes her head, “Nothing. I’m sorry. I should leave so you can shower, change and do whatever.” I still don’t move. “I can’t leave if you don’t move.” There is some of the feisty girl I know. 

“Good because I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want you to be sorry.” I am hoping the look I am sending her shows how serious I am about this and about her. “I would be happy if you were never out of my sight again.” She swallows and looks away. “Please don’t say those things to me.”

“Why not? It’s true.” 

She lets out a puff of air, “Please just let me go.” 

“No. Tell me why I can’t tell you how I feel?”

She pushes me back and I let her this time. She starts pacing back and forth, biting her thumb nail. “Felicity, tell me? Is this thing with Ray serious? Is there someone’s toes I am stepping on?” I ask these questions but the answers don’t matter. I won’t give her up. I will fight and I will fight dirty to have her. I can feel the desperation and the adrenaline bubbling to the surface. 

“Does it matter? Maybe I just don’t want you to kiss me. I don’t need to be someone else’s to say no.” I concede that point with a nod of my head. “Do you not want to kiss me?” I walk closer and lower my voice when I ask. I see desire come to life in her eyes. Will she lie?

“Of course I want to kiss you! You’re YOU!” She motions at my body.

“Then why can’t I kiss you?”

“Have you ever heard the phrase, don’t ask any question you don’t already know the answer too?” I smile. “Yes. I don’t care if I don’t know, I want to know. WHY can’t I kiss the girl I’m in love with, if she wants to kiss me?” 

I see anger in her eyes when she looks to me and then away again. Her arms are now wrapped around her midsection like she is hugging herself. I wonder for a split second what happened to desire before I realize whatever I’m about to hear is the demon I will have to slay to win her heart. 

“I can’t trust you or your kisses. I can’t believe that when you say you love me, you mean it.” She turns to leave but I turn her back around, “keep going. you weren’t done yet.” She thinks about it for a second and I guess decides to let it all out. 

“You told me I wouldn’t lose you. Then you slept with Sara. Okay. I wouldn’t lose you as my friend. You tell me you love me but, you say it to save Laurel.” She takes a breath. I can tell there is more. I wait. “On the way back from Lian Yu, every touch, every look--it seemed like a promise. An unspoken bond was formed.” She walks to her desk. She grabs my quiver and throws it. I have never seen her this upset, “Then you are kissing Laurel. You go home with Laurel.”

She walks over to me. She stands up to me, she looks at me, “You left me. You promised never to leave me. That I was your girl. There is no way for me to know that your words or your kisses are real, at least real in relation to ME.” She grabs her stuff to leave. Just before she exits, she turns around one last time.

“That is why you can’t kiss me because I don’t know if you mean it and I deserve better than that.” I see the tears falling down her face. I feel my own sliding down my face. I realize right there so many things. 

I don’t even know where to begin. How do I ever make her see that she is MY girl. Did I wait too long? I decide to shower and change. I have no clue how to make her see the depth of my feelings. She is right, in everything she said. I did tell her she wouldn’t lose me, then pushed her away and went with Sara. I did tell her I love her and not clarify it so, of course she thinks it was all for Laurel. I did make promises without words to her on the way back and I did leave with Laurel. I need to earn her trust back, then her friendship and maybe just maybe..I can win her heart.


	6. you can leave your hat on...or shoes...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new family member and a date, that isn't a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your support! It means so much to me. This story is really close to my heart and knowing other people like it is amazing! So, thank you!!!
> 
> I kinda love this chapter and I hope all of you do too! It's a little lighter and has some more humor.

In the week since Felicity let me in on how badly I hurt her I have made zero progress with her. She talks at me, sometimes to me but, mostly around me. She will talk to John about our mission that night and I am just there. She talks to everyone about dinners we share. There has been absolutely no moments alone. I get the impression she is consciously avoiding me and I think she thinks I will kiss her again and she is right. I want to kiss her badly enough that I feel physical pain at times. 

I spent the better part of the week wondering if she confided in anyone but so far, if she has, no one has said a thing to me about it. I think Sin would be unable to keep her mouth shut and Roy would be unable to not glare at me. John, he could keep it quiet. He is good at secrets, which is why I trusted him with mine and why Felicity trusts him with hers. I am lost in thought while I shoot arrows at tennis balls. “Hey Oliver.” Sin has arrived. She comes here most days. I like her. She reminds me of Thea. 

“Hi.” I turn back to my mindless shooting. I feel her move behind me. I can feel her staring at my back. I think she wanting my attention so I turn to her, “Yes?” She smiles at me, “Sooooo....how are things?” She gives me a pointed look. Huh. Maybe Felicity did confide in the girl. “Fine.” She looks away and then back to me, “Man of few words, I dig it.” She smiles and I can’t help but smile back at her. I see her bite her lip and look away again. She is nervous. I decide to put down the bow, maybe it is scaring her. She looks back at me but her head is turned towards the exit. I wait. Her eyes keep darting back and forth. 

“Listen Oliver. I like you. I think you’re a nice guy..when you want to be and I think you care about Felicity sooo...” she looks back to the exit and then back to me and whispers, “you need to step up your game dude. Ray is stepping his up and I think he is perfectly nice and perfect for her ON PAPER. But you..you are good for her.” I smile. The kid is trying to help me without betraying Felicity’s trust. I knew I liked her. 

“Sin I would love to step my game up but I have no game when it comes to her.” She rolls her eyes at me. “Dude play dirty. I don’t care what you do..but if you want her GET ON IT!” We both startle when we hear the door. She goes over to the computers and I go back to my mindless pursuit. Felicity comes barreling down the steps, “We gotta go NOW.” Immediately my adrenaline is pumping and I run over to her, “What’s wrong? Let me suit up.” As I turn to go change she grabs my arm to stop me. She motions for me to stay.She grabs my t-shirt where I left it and throws at me. I catch it and put it over my head. 

“Lyla is in labor! It’s time for our newest family member to arrive.” She is practically glowing with anticipation. I wonder briefly what it will be like when she has a baby, our baby. I hope it’s our baby. What if it’s Ray’s baby. I must growl aloud, “You cannot possibly be upset about a baby!” Felicity scolds me, “Nope. Just thinking about something else. Sorry.” We all leave the lair for the hospital. 

When we arrive Roy is already there waiting. Sin makes her way to sit by him. They are leaned over some game he is playing. Felicity sits by the doors John will come out of as soon as the baby arrives. I sit beside her. She is nearly vibrating with excitement. I smile to myself. I love how excited she gets for other people. Felicity is one of those rare people that feels true happiness for other people. 

“Do they know if they baby is a boy or a girl?” I inquire trying to make small talk that turns into a conversation. She looks over at me, “No. They decided they wanted to be surprised. I can’t imagine not knowing the very second I could know--I’d want to plan and decorate and scream to the world--but John and Lyla feel life has so few surprises they wanted this one---I have bought a gift for either--” she finally pauses for a breath and looks at the door again. I follow her, no John yet. “I’m sorry I babbled on like that, I am just so excited. Why do you care what I got the baby!” She smiles. I know it’s not for me but the situation but I soak it up regardless. 

‘I care about everything to do with you, even baby gifts. What did you get the baby?” 

“I got a society recognized color appropriate outfit for either gender--even though I detest how girls should wear pink--which FYI I do adore but why can’t a boy love it? And a blue outfit for a boy--I also love blue. I then got baby rattles and a slew of onesies with all different types of superheroes! I had this mild obsession with superhero underoos as a kid that has morphed into an adult superhero panty obsession as an adult--” two things happened, she realized what she had said to me and I realized I now had an idea what kind of panties she wears and that made parts of me, very happy and stand at attention. It made her turn red and look away. 

She has now buried her face in her hands, “I can NOT believe I just told you that! My brain hates me! It truly does.” I laugh and she looks at me, “It’s fine Felicity. I had an underoos obsession myself. I grew out of it but it’s cute you still have yours.” She just looks at me, “Cute? Great...” She says it in a weird tone I can’t put my finger on. “Did you get the baby anything?” I can tell she expects my answer to be no. “Yep.” I pop the ‘p’ in my response and she sits back up and looks at me, “I got the baby a very neutral gender green hoodie. Size newborn. Don’t worry no leather...yet.” She was smiling until the leather comment then she laughed. A real laugh. I smile. 

We sit in companionable silence. I read a paper someone left and she is typing away on her tablet. Suddenly, that all important door swings open and it’s John. He is holding a tiny, little bundle in his arms and his face is smiling. His whole face is lit up and smiling. “hey guys! Are you ready to meet my daughter?” We all jump up and head to John. He hands the baby to Felicity, “Oh Digg--she is so beautiful!” She is crying tears of joy and hands her back to John. 

“Andrea May Michaels-Diggle, meet your family! This is Roy and Sin.” He shows the little girl the two “kids” of our group. They both smile at her and wave ‘hi’. I smile at the scene in front of me. Roy gives John a look and he nods. Roy grabs Sin and they leave. “And this beautiful lady is Auntie Felicity. “ John shows Andrea to Felicity, “I hope she will say yes to being your Godmother--” She gasps and looks up at John, “Really?” He smiles at her, “Really, will you?” She smiles so big I think it may actually break her face, “Oh! yes, yes!!! Thank you John and thank Lyla for me?” He nods. Felicity has her hands pressed to her chest with tears still running down her face. 

He turns to me, I am smiling down at the baby, she is beautiful. “Andrea, this is Oliver. He looks scary and he does mostly have resting bitch face--don’t tell your mom I said that-- but he is a nice guy who would die to protect you. That is why I hope he will be your Godfather.” I stop smiling and look up at John, “John--me? Are you sure?” He nods and smiles. “Oliver, I can think of no one I’d rather have helping me with my beautiful daughter than you!” I smile, I feel tears and I can only nod. Confirming I will do this. John looks back to Felicity and then he leaves. We both watch him before turning to one another. Before I realize what is happening she is hugging me. “We are Godparents! Can you believe it!” She pulls back but not out of my arms. I hardly breathe for fear of breaking this spell. 

“That we are. I’m shocked.” 

“You shouldn’t be, Digg loves you. You are his brother.” She drops her voice to a whisper, still in my arms, “Who better than a guy with no qualms about shooting arrows in criminals to protect that perfect angel? Not to mention, you do have bitch face game like no one else.” She smiles and pulls me to her again. When she pulls back I move in to kiss her, I know I shouldn’t and just as my lips touch hers, someone clears their throat and she jumps out of my arms. 

Ray Palmer. Still hate him. I give him my best go away asshole face. He just smiles at me then to Felicity. “Ray! How nice of you to come by!” She walks over to him. She doesn’t hug him which makes me feel a bit better. “You know how I feel about John and Lyla is head of QC Security. I felt my presence would be okay.” He looks to me and his looks says “back off”. I just smile. Not going to happen. “I think John and Lyla are resting. The baby was born! A little girl. Andrea May.” He smiles at her, “That’s lovely.” Is growling frowned on in polite society, I wonder. 

“Well, since there is nothing more to do here, how about dinner?” He looks at her. He is really asking her out in front of me? What the fuck. She smiles, “I’d love to but I can’t. Sin needs me tonight. Rain check?” He nods and tells her goodbye. No kiss. Ha! Sucker. Felicity turns to me, “Want a ride back?” I tell her I do and we make our way to her car. We listen to the radio and make small talk. We arrive to the lair and she gets out. I guess Sin really did need her tonight. 

Sin and Roy are sitting at the makeshift dining table when we get down there. “Okay guys, remember we are to put in all the monitoring systems where neither of them can see them. Here are the keys” She sits some keys on the table and Roy grabs them and a couple of big duffle bags. The two leave. “Where are they going?” 

“To John and Lyla’s. they both want better security and monitoring systems. Just in case but they haven’t told each other. Both are pretending nothing could go wrong.” She laughs, “It’s cute how protective they both are without the other knowing. John thinks Roy is doing this and Lyla thinks Sin and I are the ones.” She laughs and I join in. Leave it to the two of them to decide to do this without telling the other one. 

She sits down at the table so, I do too. “Can we talk?” I ask her. She looks at me for a second, “Sure. Why not?” I know this is a chance to make a difference with us. “I have no idea how to be a godparent, do you?” She gives me a funny look, “Is that really what you want to talk about?” I look at her for a moment, “First yes. Then maybe after that we can talk about us.” She seems to accept this as truth. “Okay. I don’t either but I figure like with everything with us, we’ll wing it.” She smiles and I laugh. “I am serious. I have read some books but Digg’s kid probably will be rebellious, a bit wild and a handful, winging it seems like the best plan.”

“You are probably right. I guess I need to make sure I can still kick ass for years to come.” 

“Probably a good plan. She will be a teenager, dating, boys. You should be prepared. I can already see me tracking her and you and John following her on her first--well every date, ever.” 

The conversation lulls. “Want to grab some dinner?” I am surprised, she just told Ray she had plans. I look at her and wonder why she would blow him off. I want to think it’s because she wants to be with me. That is a dangerous assumption. “Come on, Queen..it’s not like I asked to have your baby. It’s just food.” I was lost in thought and she had moved to grab her stuff to leave. I follow her. “Let’s take my bike.” She looks at it then me and back again. “It’s a nice evening. It’ll be fun. You ever ridden?” She slowly shakes her head. We move towards the bike. She puts her bag across her body, I hand her a helmet to put on and secure my own. I get on and start the bike then help her on. “You have to sit closer than that and put your arms around my waist.” She does as instructed. I hear her mumble, “this is a bad idea..” I smile and we take off. 

I weave the bike in and out of traffic heading for a bar I know with excellent comfort food. I didn’t ask her where she wanted to go and she didn’t offer up a suggestion. I know with a girl like Felicity this could be a bad idea but, I’m hopeful. I can feel her hold onto me tighter. It takes me back to the Merlyn building. She moves her hips into my ass and I groan. I am thankful she can’t hear me. I relish the feel of being situated between her hips. I should feel guilty about it. I don’t. We pull in and I shut the bike off. She climbs off but is unsteady. I hold out my arm and steady her, she smiled at me appreciatively. I swear part of me wants to say “aw shucks, it’s nothing”. What is happening to me?

“What is this place?” 

“It is a dive bar but they have the best burgers and beer battered chicken, onion rings and pickles on earth.” She looks at me and then to the bar, “Is it safe? It looks kind of--rough.” I am mildly insulted that she asks. “You’re with the arrow, out of practice but I still can take care of you.” She looks at me doubtful. “I would never bring you someplace unsafe.” We finally head towards the bar, I stop and open the door for her, before she walks in she stops and smiles, “Yes you would take me some place unsafe...underground casinos, crazy mass murdering plotters building--but it’s okay. I apparently like to live dangerously.” She turns and walks in. 

I immediately notice all the appreciate glances she is getting from the men. They look me up and down. I know half of them wonder why she is with me and the other half wonder how to get her to leave without me. We find a table. She looks for a menu. “They don’t have them.” Felicity is many things but a food adventurer isn’t one of them. The waitress comes to the table and looks at us appraising us. Felicity smiles and looks the woman over, “Hi” she looks for a name tag, “Beth, I’m Felicity. What do you recommend.” The waitress, Beth, looked just as surprised as I felt. She looked between the two of us before answering, “I suggest the onion rings and chicken unless you really like burgers.” 

“Thanks, Beth. I’ll have the chicken and onion rings and whatever’s on tap.” She finished with a smile. Beth couldn’t take her eyes off Felicity. It was like no one had spoken to her all night which, can’t be true since she is the only waitress.

“And for you?” 

“Double bacon cheeseburger with everything, onion rings and beer.” She nods at us and goes to place our order. I look to Felicity who is surveying the bar. The place was long and not very wide. The back wall was entirely bar space with stools on the patron side. The left of the door, which is dead center is a dance floor with a small stage. They have live music on the weekends and a jukebox the rest of the time. The right side where we are is all tables with booths along the front and side wall. We are in the booth furthest from the door with my back to the wall. Old habits die hard. 

Finally, Felicity looks back at me. I smile. I love just watching her. “Do you come here a lot? It doesn’t seemed like a refined drinking establishment. ” I nod. “Yeah. They have good food and leave me alone.” She just looks at him. “Why did you ask the waitress her name?” She cocks her head and gives me that “you can’t be serious look”. She takes a deep breath and sighs, “My Mom is a waitress. People treat wait staff like slaves. I tend to treat them well because it’s a pretty thankless job.” Leave it to her to make him feel like shit. She’s right. It is a thankless job and it probably sucks. I realize that Felicity makes me more real. She makes me see the world like normal people do. People who don’t have drivers and maids and cooks. 

“Is this your hideaway?” At first I think this is just her way of asking me if I run away here but something in her face makes me think there’s more, “What do you mean?” She sighs and looks away, “This place--it’s not a place you will run into anyone who knows you. Your society friends definitely don’t come here, so is this where you bring your dirty little secrets?” She is looking me straight in the eye. I am replaying but she said when I finally get it. 

“NO! I come here to be me. I don’t have to be Oliver Queen, former golden boy or deal with my nightly activities. I can just be me.” She looks at me. I can tell she is debating if I was honest, “Felicity.” I reach across the table and grab her hand, “YOU are not my dirty little secret. You are the woman I--” I can’t tell her I love her again. I am back at square one. I blow out a puff of air and start over, “I realized after our kissing session and what you said, I need to win your trust again, your friendship before we can be more. I am showing you a part of me that NO ONE else knows.” 

She gulps and then gives me a weak smile. I’ll take what I can get. The waitress, Beth, I’m trying to be more considerate, sits down our mugs of beer, “The food will be out shortly, can I get you two anything else.” We both tell her no and she goes back to work. The silence is dragging, I am accustomed to Felicity being a talker so this is starting to freak me out. Finally she looks back to me, “Truth or Dare?” She smiles. 

Now, this can be really good or really bad. “I’m not sure this is a good idea.” she guffaws, “It’s not like I am asking you to play seven minutes in heaven! It’s truth or dare.” 

“What is seven minutes in heaven, maybe I prefer it.” She blushes. I can even tell she is in the dim light of the bar. She scoots closer to the table and leans over, “it’s when you get locked in a dark room, normally a closet with the boy or girl, whichever you prefer, of your choice for seven minutes of anything goes.” I come to the conclusion that I missed out on this game. “Yeah I prefer that game!” She moves back into her seat and laughs, “I guess you can ask one of these lovely ladies to accompany you”, she waves her hand around, “...a couple look like they’d do you right here in the middle of the table.”

I look around and a few women are throwing out the signs of interest. I also notice the men noticing her. I turn back to the table and give her my best playboy smile, “nah. The only girl I want to be locked in a closet with is you--” She chokes on her beer. “You okay?” She nods. I smirk. 

“Truth or Dare, Queen.”

I sigh inwardly. I want to tell her everything, someday. In the future when I am more secure and she is more sure of our relationship. I bite, “Truth” 

“Best day of your life.”

“Pre-island or post-island”

“Best day period. It can be either.”

I don’t really need to think about it, it’s the day I’ve played over and over again. The day I realized I not only felt deeply for the woman in front of me but, that I was falling in love with her. I have since fallen, hard. “The day you and John showed up on Lian Yu to bring me back to Starling City.” I look at her and I can tell she thinks I’m playing with her, “It was the first time, in a very long time, I knew someone cared enough to drag me back from my morose and suicidal tendencies.” I chance a peek at her, there are tears in her eyes. 

“You know a lot of people loved you then, love you now.” I am lost in my own thoughts, that there is only one person that really matters to me and I have no idea how she feels. “I had a lot of people who pretended to care but none of them would ever think to look for me.” She shakes her head, “That’s not true. Thea’s young, or she would have. Your Mother was in jail or she would have had everyone looking for you. Never doubt that.”

I look at her and smile. “They still didn’t and where there is a will there is a way. YOU and John, you came for me. You picked me up, dusted me off and made me become a better man.” She stares at me and all I can think is that I hope she gets it. Before either of us can speak Beth brings our food. 

“Chicken and onion rings for the lady.” she sits the plate down and whispers to Felicity, “I put some breath mints on the plate, can’t have onion breath for your post date kiss.” and then winks at her. I could tell Beth doesn’t normally do this for customers but, like most of us, she is under Felicity’s spell. She moves to my side and sits down my plate, “Double bacon cheese burger and onion rings for the fella.” She then leans to my ear and whispers, “gave you some breath mints--don’t want you striking out before you’re up at the plate.” She walks away. I decide she deserves at least a forty percent tip. 

We both dig in. After a couple of minutes I get tired of just eating and even though I could watch her eat, I feel like I should talk to her, work on building our friendship. 

“My turn! Truth or Dare.” I smile, she knows it’s a challenge. Either way I will learn something about her. She licks her lips and looks me in the eye, I can tell she is debating which is safer. I give her a look that I hope conveys that neither is truly safe but she started this. She gulps. “Truth...I think.”

“Think or it’s truth?”

“Truth” she mumbles more to her plate than to me. 

“Why did you stay after we found Walter? Truth.” 

She swallows the onion ring then takes a drink of her beer. She wipes her mouth. I know she is stalling. I let her. Finally she looks at me, “Because for the first time in my life--I belonged.” My face must betray my shock. “Not to you, but I felt like I could make a difference and--if I didn’t show up one day, maybe Digg would care and come look for me--I felt, at first, like I had a couple of big brothers. Dumb stupid crazy big brothers but big brothers.” she shrugs, “I liked--I never realized before what it felt like to be cared about.” I see the tears in her eyes. She sniffles and looks away. 

“I do care. I’ve cared since the beginning.” I look away and not because I wanted the emotional distance because I realized how much I cared even then.

“My turn. Why did you bring me into it? Why not keep lying to me?” Of all the things I thought she would ask me, that one never occurred to me. I take a drink and motion for Beth. She approaches, “Can I have a water please?” She nods and is off. It’s a stalling tactic. Felicity waits me out not letting me off the hook. Beth drops off my water. I realized too late that drinking around Felicity isn’t a good plan, I mean, I KNEW that. I need to always be on my game with her. I drink the water. I clear my throat and tell her the truth.

“I knew if I kept lying to you, eventually, you could never like me. You couldn’t respect me and you would walk away. I could NOT risk that. Already I NEEDED to be around you.” I pause and look around, gathering my thoughts, “You made things better. You made me smile. I could have gotten the intel elsewhere but I couldn’t get YOU.” I take a deep breath. I look at her, not just at her but I really see her and I realize she needs this from me. She needs this to move on. 

“You are, like a drug, only--” I stop. I know I am going to fuck this up. “When you are around, I can breathe. I feel things. I--I start to believe that my soul didn’t die on that island. I couldn’t keep lying and risk you cutting me out of your life. BUT mostly, that night--when my mom shot me?” 

“Yeah” I paused to make sure she was still with me, she encouraged me by motioning for me to continue. “I knew I could die, and if I was going to die--I wanted, needed to see you again. I wanted to feel happy and alive one more time. It was selfish.” When I finish I am staring at my plate. It hurts to admit how selfish I was and am when it comes to her. 

“Why do you think that’s selfish?” I look up and then back at my plate. I am confused, how can she not see it was the most selfish thing I could have done. “Felicity, you are an innocent and you really were then. I could have died, the guilt you would have felt--the damage that could have done to you!” I am getting angry that she doesn’t see how wrong I was to do it. “What if I had died? Then what?”

I look at her, “I had no right to do that to you.” 

“You didn’t die. Digg and I saved you annnnnddd...I did get to play doctor with you!” She laughs. I know she did that to break the tension and my mood. I smile, then laugh. She is right, she did play doctor with me, too bad I was out of it. “I just want you to know, I don’t regret coming on board. You gave me much more than you think, Queen. I think I could ace medical school now.” We both smile. 

The bill comes and I pay. I ask her if she wants to stay and listen to some music and she declines. We are walking back to the parking lot when I decide I don’t want the night to end, “Truth or dare?” She is taken aback, “I thought we were done playing.” 

“Nope. Truth or Dare.” I can see she doesn’t want another heavy conversation so she decides, “Dare” I smile, she fell into my trap, “Hop on, we need to get back..” 

“But I thought we were still playing?” 

“We are.” I climb on, start the bike then help her on. This time she doesn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around my waist or to slid up behind me. I groan again. This is such beautiful madness. I take the shortcut back to the lair. I am hoping everyone is still out. John should still be with Lyla and the baby. I am hoping Roy and Sin are out being kids. We pull in and I am relieved to see no cars around. She gets off the bike first, then I follow. She is less wobbly this time. We walk in and it is dark and quiet. 

She starts for her computers, where the rest of her things are stored. I grab her arm, “We still have a dare.” She bites her lip, “ I don’t know--” 

“You said dare. I dare you to kiss me.” Her eyes get big, “Are we in middle school?” 

“No. Come on, I dare you.” I walk her back against the wall, “How about this, I won’t even touch you. All you have to do is kiss me.” I smile and put one hand and forearm on each side of her, basically trapping her against the wall. She gulps again and licks her lips, “Just a kiss?” I nod, “just a kiss--a chaste peck on the lips or--” I move even closer and let my voice drop, “or more--dealers choice.” I can feel her breath on me, it’s quickening and she keeps looking from my lips to my eyes. I can see the battle. 

Without warning she raises up onto her tiptoes and she brushes my lips. For a second I think that is all I am going to get but then she puts her hands on my chest and leans in, and she smashes her lips to mine. It takes everything in me to keep my arms on the wall. She gently but without hesitation pushes her tongue into my mouth and we battle. This is heaven and hell. She moves her hands up to my shoulders and shocks the hell out of me when she jumps. I don’t move my arms I just shove my body into hers to hold her, trapping her between me and the wall. I can feel this spiraling out of my control and just as I am about to break our deal, she pulls her lips from mine. She smiles a devilish smile and drops her legs back to the floor. 

She puts her hands on my hips to move me away. I am still struggling to get things under control. I turn around and she is sitting in her chair looking at me, “My turn, Truth or Dare.” I shake my head to try and get some blood back up there but it doesn’t work. “Dare.” she smiles and I know, I’ve fallen into her trap. She is spinning in her chair, this is going to be bad. She hops up and skips, literally skips across the floor to iHome, plops her iPod in and turns to me. 

“I dare you to do a striptease for me.” Oh fuck. Shit. “You know I am a horrible dancer. Please.” She cackles and claps, “Oh come on, you can do it. I kissed you. You don’t even have to get naked. Down to your underwear is fine.” I give her a stern look, “I am not wearing any.” Instead of looking mortified she throws her head back and laughs harder. “I promise not to record it on my phone.” I hadn’t even thought of that. The music starts. She pulls her chair to the middle of the floor, right in front of me. “I’m waiting...this song won’t last forever, Queen.” 

I hope it doesn’t. I sigh. I start to bounce around a bit. She laughs and when I glare at her, she pulls her lips into her mouth and shakes her head, properly chastised. I start to unbutton my blue button down shirt. I am getting a bit into the music. When I get to the last button, I pull it off and toss it at her. Her face lights up and I can’t help but smile. I start to move around a bit more and then pull my black t shirt over my head. I toss this at her but this time, she doesn’t smile. She is just looking at my chest. I feel emboldened so I move to her chair and get up close and personal. I admit, I did a bit of gyrating. She blushes. I move back a bit and start to unbutton the button fly on my jeans, one by one. Her eyes dart from my face to my pants with each button. Before I finish the last one, “Are you sure?” I quirk an eyebrow as I ask her this question. She looks at me, her mouth is open just a bit and she nods. I’m not shy and I love how she looks at me so I whip them down. Sadly, it isn’t all graceful as I forgot to remove my boots. I fall. She quickly jumps up and runs over. I am mortified. 

“Oh my god, are you okay?” She is leaning over me. “Only my pride is hurt.” I look up into her face so full of concern. “Is it wrong to tell you that the fact you fell is endearing?” I think she lying to help my pride. I just look at her, “It’s nice to know that you are entirely perfect. It’s actually kind of great!” I stand up and pull my pants up. “You know I’m not perfect, Felicity.”

“I know you don’t act perfect and make mistakes but physically--you are kind of perfect.” I look at her and realize she means it and in a good way. “Thanks. For making me feel better.” I am looking for my t shirt or my button down. She is gathering her things to leave. “Where did my shirt go?” She looks at me innocently, to innocently, “I dunno.” She shrugs. “Well, Queen, I will see you tomorrow. Big day, you and Roy going out together.” 

And with that she is gone. If I were a betting man, and I am, I believe my clothes may have went with her. What is it with women and taking men’s clothes? I don’t mind. Maybe I will move into her heart one article at a time. I shake my head, I can’t believe I stripped for her and forgot to remove my shoes first. Amateur. I laugh and head off to bed. Today was a good day.


	7. Please Don't Leave Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step one step forward two steps back. Oliver and Felicity finally start moving closer..but the path is never easy for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your continued support! The kudos and comments mean so much to me. They really do help. I always thought writers were just being nice when they said that but it's true. It helps so much. 
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter is long. Sorry about that. I was going to break it up but..yeah. That didn't work so well. A lot happens and a lot of things are hinted at that will be resolved..eventually. Please, trust me!!!

I awoke that day, the day after my unofficial date with Felicity, with a purpose. A couple of them actually, first to get my morning run in before heading to work. The second was to try and make some progress with Felicity and not disappoint the team tonight when I went out. I am feeling cautiously confident. 

As I run my path, I am thinking about several things to do: I want to help John in any way I can. While I know I hurt Felicity when I did what I did, I also let John down. I need to make sure I repair that friendship. He was ke a brother to me, just as Tommy was and it is too late with Tommy but not with John. I really need to make that a top priority. I need to make sure I bring my ‘A’ game tonight so he knows the streets and the team is safe and he can concentrate on Lyla and Andi. 

The next thing I need is to spend time with Felicity. Then there is the fact I needed that time to be friendship time. Not making out time, even if kissing her senseless is my all time favorite pastime. I need a good foundation to build this--this thing with us, our relationship upon. I am not sure when my inner voice turned into a self help guru but, I’m going with it. What do friends who-hope-to-be-more do before they start dating? I need to find out her hobbies, her likes and what she does when not at work or with the team. Sin! She is my in. I make a mental note to talk to her as soon as I can get her alone. 

I am at the end of my jog so I headed back. When I get there Felicity is already there to set up her morning routine of scans and updates so tonight she could be ready to go. I smiled knowing she is here. I jog down the stairs and look at her chair, she isn’t in it. I look in the kitchenette, no Felicity. I go to the bathroom and hear crying. What the hell? I knock. No answer. I try the handle, locked. “Felicity?” I hear her sniffle and then a weak, “jus’ a minute.” Then a flush. I know this strategy well, pretend you were using the facilities when you need to hide. I lean against the wall across from the door. She opened the door and is looking at the floor. “Hey.” She startled. 

“Hey..” It is a half-hearted response at best. She closes the door and heads out into the main room. I follow. I watched her, the slump of her shoulders, the strange gait of her walk, the trembling of her shoulders. I have no idea what is wrong but I need to comfort her. I set my pace even with hers and put my arm around her, “Are you okay?” 

She stops, looks at me. She is searching my face, “I’m fine.” She obviously decided not to tell me what is wrong. I don’t get it, last night when she left she was giggling and happy. What could have happened between then and now, “Are Sin and Roy alright?” She licks her lips and nods. She sits in her chair and starts typing. I go over to the salmon ladder. I am going to let her avoid this for now and hope she talks to me.

It’s about an hour later when the typing stops and I freeze. I look over and she has her face buried in her hands. I can see her shoulders shaking and I know she is crying. I have never seen her cry, not really. I drop soundlessly to the floor, grab my towel to wipe off and head to her. I put my hand on her shoulder fully expecting her jump but instead she spins around and wraps her arms around my waist, seeking comfort. I pull her up and into my arms then sit in her chair with her, “Felicity what is wrong? Are you okay? Is someone hurt? Sick? Dying?” I am desperate to fix whatever is making my girl cry. 

Finally after a few minutes, I can’t tell how many she looks up at me with the sweetest, most earnest face I have ever seen, “Am I whore Oliver? Truth. Even if we aren’t playing truth or dare? Tell me the truth.” She has her hands folded in her lap now and never looks up from them. “Did you only give me my job because of my looks--because of m-m-my feelings for you?” I am completely caught off guard. At first, I am flabbergasted, who would imply such a thing about her? Okay Isabel had but she was jealous and probably working for Slade. Then I am angry that someone hurt her like this and lastly, I want to be the balm to her wounds and am dying to ask about her feelings for me. I start shaking my head. 

“NO. Never. You are the smartest person I know! I never would have lasted as CEO as long as I did without you!” She is still looking down, I take my fingers and move her face to look me in the eye, “Who said this to you?” She shakes her head, “It’s not important.” She goes to climb off my lap but I grip tighter, “Yes, it is.” I use my arrow voice hoping it will work, it’s a crapshoot with her. 

“I can’t tell you, not yet, please understand.” She is pleading with me. Friends keep secrets right? “I don’t know..if someone is hurting you, I need to know.” She touches my face, rubs my cheeks with her thumb while her hand is on my face, she smiles at me, “Always the protector.” I just keep looking at her, what else can I do? “Will you promise to tell me--tell me whenever this happens, if it happens? If I promise to just listen?” She looks surprised. 

“You would do that--for me?” 

“I would prefer to beat the shit out of the asshole who made you cry but, I will respect your request, if you promise to keep me updated. I NEED you to be safe.” I remember the last time I told her that, and judging by the look on her face so does she. I long to tell her I meant every word I said to her in that house. I want to tell her, he did take the wrong women, but now isn’t the time. 

“I promise. I will tell you.”

“Everything, every time.” I think she thought I’d let this go. She’d make a promise with no intention of actually keeping it and I’d be okay with it. Not going to happen.   
“Everything, every time, I promise.” After getting her promise I just hold her until we hear John coming down the stairs. She jumps up and I follow. We both look guilty as hell. I don’t know why we look guilty. We are both single, consenting adults but it feels like Dad just caught us making out. 

John looks from her to me and back again. I can tell the moment he notices her tear stained cheeks. He turns and there is murder, my murder in his eyes. I throw my hands up, “I didn’t do it!” 

He is about to throw a punch, when sweet and stupid, for doing this, Felicity jumps between us holding up her hands. John stops just in time to miss her. He is panting and glaring,his nose is flaring he is breathing so heavily, I should be scared I think, “Move out of my way Felicity. I don’t want to hurt you. That’s HIS job.” 

“No.”

He looks down at her and some of the fire leaves him. “What do you mean, no?” He is staring at her like she has lost her mind. 

“He didn’t make me cry. He-He..” she looks to the floor, then straightens her dress, pushes up her glasses and stands up to John, for me, “He made it better. He let me cry on his shoulder, literally--I mean that literally --not how these dumb people say it. He didn’t hurt me, Digg. He was being nice.” 

John looks from her to me. I shake my head to let him know I didn’t do it. For once, I am innocent. “Okay, why were you crying?” she shakes her head, “I’m not telling him, then I’m definitely NOT telling you!” Ow. That hurt. She thinks telling me would be less lethal than John? I am hurt. I know he has been there for her, but I would never let anyone hurt her. 

“One question, Felicity.” He looks at her to make sure she understand this is non-negotiable. She nods, “Was it Laurel again?” I gasp as does Felicity who looks at me. I can tell she gaging my reaction to his question. I am waiting for an answer. “No, not directly.” 

In unison, John and I both inquire, “What does that mean?” She looks at us both. “One question. You asked. I answered. I need to get to work.” And with that she went and grabbed her tablet and her purse and left. 

I turn to John who is still watching the stairs, “Why did you think it was Laurel?” He turns to looks at me, “Because it almost alway is Laurel.” He walks to her chair and drops into it. “Listen Oliver, I am going to be busy with Lyla and Andi. You have to look out for her. Even when it comes to Gorgeous Laurel, the love of your life.” I cringe at his words. He said them sarcastically with a roll of his eyes. She is gorgeous but she isn’t the love of my life. “I can’t worry about everything. I could ask Roy to do this but, I am scared what he would do. His temper is better now but..well, where Felicity is concerned he has no control.” He pauses. 

“I’m not sure which one of you is worse when it comes to that girl.” A thought hits me, “Roy and Felicity--they aren’t--they aren’t a couple are they?” John guffaws, “No. They are like brother and sister. Fight like it, too. But if you hurt one of them? The other will go for you.” I am relieved and glad. I am relieved Felicity isn’t dating the punk, and glad that she has someone to look after her. John stands, “I don’t feel like working out after all. I think I’ll head to the coffee shop then home to my girls.”

“John. You said Laurel again--what has Laurel done? Exactly.” He takes in some air, blows it out and repeats. 

“She has always treated Felicity like tras, as I told you before but, Felicity growing up the way she did, she’s used to this being looked down upon, so she let it go.” He pauses so I understand, that Felicity shouldn’t have ever had to let anything go, ever. I nod so he knows I get it. “After you left, it got worse. Apparently, back when she was alive, Isabel told Laurel all kinds of stories of you and your EA. That she got the job due to short skirts and mouth skills..if you follow me.” I nodded, I did and I was scared where this was going. 

“Laurel told her friends, who told their friends. It’s not like most of Starling didn’t think you two were an item. It’s just raunchier this way. Laurel’s said things to Felicity when they’ve seen one another, back when you were a couple.” he pauses and gives me a look that lets me know how much disapproved of that, “And now that Felicity works for Ray--most people assume she got the job the same was she did with you.” I snap whatever I was holding. I look down and it’s a pen from Felicity’s desk. I pick up a stapler and hurl at the wall. I just want to break everything. I can’t believe I let this happen. I did this to her. 

After a couple of minutes John puts his hand on my shoulder, “The past is the past. WE all need to fix this.” I look at him and not for the first time I wonder how I managed to find such good people, good friends. “How? How do we fix this? How can she ever love me when I did this to her life?” John shakes his head.

“Man, this is Felicity we are talking about. Her life, her choice. She sees it as you gave her a purpose and a family.” He looks away and walks over to my bow, “She sees you as a hero, her hero. She rarely lets it all get to her.” He is looking at my bow, I am wondering how Felicity can stand to even look at me. “The best thing you can do is just help her deal with it, when it does get to be too much.” I nod. 

“I need to get back to Lyla and the baby. You okay?” I nod . “Oliver, she is strong and you didn’t DO this to her, man. Life did this to her but lucky for us, she is strong. Stronger than both of us.” He leaves. I know he is right but, I still want to make this up to her. 

I call Felicity and ask her if she can meet me for lunch. She is shocked, at first, but agrees. I clean up and head for the courthouse to get that day’s subpoenas to serve. I organize them by where they are in the city and make sure at lunch I am close to Big Belly Burger to meet Felicity. The morning goes by relatively easy. Some of the people ignore me, some yell and others want to talk to THE Oliver Queen, which is weird. 

I walk in and see her already at a table. It’s the table we always eat at, when we are together. She is doing something on her tablet. I notice several people staring at her, and they notice me and look with curiosity. I know they will take out their camera phones and sell the photos. I sit across from her, she looks up and smiles. “You know you didn’t have to ask me to lunch. I’m fine.” She pushes her glasses up. “I know you are, I just wanted to have lunch with you. It’s what friends do, right?” She looks touched by my announcement, “Yes it is. It’s just weird it being just the two of us. In the past we always had Digg or Sara or Roy, maybe even all three.” She seems nervous. I don’t know why she would be nervous. “We can go somewhere else, if you like.” She shakes her head no. 

I grab a menu and look it over. I haven’t been here since the last time and came with her and John. Laurel is not a burger kind of girl. The waitress comes over, “Hey Felicity, the usual?”

“yes, please Yvonne. Oliver, this is Yvonne, Yvonne this is Oliver.” 

“Please to meet you, Yvonne.” I smile my charming, winning, look at me smile. She doesn’t buy it. I can tell by her face and how she looks to Felicity. “Oliver. What can I get you?”

“Big Belly Buster and a mocha shake.” She writes it all down and leaves. “A shake? Guess you aren’t watching your food intake anymore?” I laugh. It’s a laugh that only Felicity can get out of me. “I still am particular about what I put in my body, but I haven’t been here in months.” She blushes at the mention of my body, I like that blush.

This time the silence was an easy comfortable one. “I want to apologize for this morning. I shouldn’t have come to the lair when I was that upset and really--it wasn’t that kind of me to dump all my issues on you. So, I’m sorry.” I am upset she is apologizing but not surprised. She is always looking out for everyone else. I reach across the table and take her hand, “Felicity, if you have a problem then I have a problem. I am your friend and part of being friends is being there for each other.” 

“I know but, it wasn’t fair to you. You’re just back into the lair and then the whole nightly activities to deal with, you don’t need me piling on.” 

“Felicity,” I take a breath and look up at the ceiling before I look back to her. “John told me, I doubt he told me everything but he told me enough. This is my fault.” I look at her and she is shaking her head. “It is. I knew Isabel said things about you, about us and I didn’t do anything about it.”

“You slept with her.” 

“I’m aware.” I cringe at the memory. I wish I could take it back, I then could erase the look on Felicity’s face when she arrived at my door. 

Our food arrives and I realize I was saved from having to explain the unexplainable. How do I tell her that I slept with Isabel to throw her off our real reason for being there and in part, because I needed the release. I am also a huge idiot for doing it. We eat in silence. I notice the people watching us. I’ve grown up with this but it should be making Felicity upset or something. I look at her and I can’t tell if she is bothered by it, “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“It doesn’t bug you that they are staring at you?”

She looks around and when her eyes land on anyone person, they look away. She turns back to me, “I am used to it. Just like I’m used to what the gossips say. I am a woman in Oliver Queen’s orbit.” She takes a sip of her shake, “No one believes we aren’t sleeping together. Which I guess, at least to them, I am seen as desirable.” There is a catch in her voice and a weird expression. I don’t understand what but I am certain I am missing something. 

“Can I walk you back to the office?” She looks up at me with a sad expression, “I don’t want you to get upset. I mean, it should still be YOURS after all.” I smile at her, leave it to her to not pull her punches, “If I had listened to you about Isabel, it would still be mine. I deserved to lose it. I never really wanted it anyways.” 

“You don’t want it back?” I stop, I’ve never really thought about it, not really. Laurel has been working on it for me, as has Walter but do I want it back? 

“I do but I don’t. I want it for Thea and her kids someday. I want the legacy but, do I, myself, want it back and to run it? Not really.” We start walking again, both of us lost in our own thoughts, “You know--I sucked at being CEO. I know I’m not smart enough and honestly, it bores me.” 

She considers what I say. I love how she always thinks about what I say. Never dismissing it out of hand. She ponders it and then decides, “What about running part of it? Working your way up or not? I don’t think you honestly gave it a fair shake before.”

My turn to think about what she said and her reasoning. I never wanted to be CEO, not even before the island. Before the island I wanted the money and the name. Post island I wanted to save the city and the money and the name helped. But now? I don’t know what I want besides Felicity and the team. 

“I don’t know. I guess if I could find a better, not easier but, easier for me way. Then yeah. But, I don’t see how that is possible plus the whole Arrow thing.”

“No offense, but you can’t be the Arrow forever. Time and age will put a stop to it eventually. You need a back up plan. Philanthropy could be an ideal way to do that.”

I laugh, “Are you calling me old Ms. Smoak?” 

“No--I am saying with some luck you will one day be old.” We both laugh. All too soon we are in front of the building. We are still staring at each other, I could stare into those eyes for the rest of my life. Then Felicity sees something and turns and then looks away. I follow where she was looking, Ray. I hate him. She quickly without looking at me whispers, “Thanks for lunch.”

“You’re welcome. It was fun. We should do it again.” She just looks at me. I can tell she is thinking of asking me something, “What is the point of all of this?” She puts her fingers to my lips before I reply. “Think about what you are hoping to gain from this, what you really want. No rush for an answer. I hate mysteries but I hate being used more.” She gives me a half hearted smile, turns to look where Ray was, I swear she shudders and goes inside. I decide to ask about that later. Does he have a problem with me? I return to serving my subpoenas. All the while thinking about the best way to answer her questions. I am not using her. I have used women before in my life, but never her,right?

After I serve all that days subpoenas I return to the courthouse to give them the receipts. After dropping them off, I am headed toward the elevator when Laurel motions me into her office. I am not sure this is a good idea. I still don’t know how I feel about what I learned about her gossiping and how it may have affected Felicity. “Can we talk for a minute?” I sit down to let her know that we can. 

“Tonight is my fundraiser, the one you are supposed to host..Ollie, I really need you to do this! My career could depend on this. Please?” I can’t believe she would ask me this but, I can’t believe more is that I agree. “Sure, I’ll meet you there.” She starts shaking her head, “No we need to arrive together. Couple or not we must be an united front tonight.” I sigh and agree. Since I only have the bike she will pick me up at seven. I do owe her this much.   
I return to the lair. Sin is already here. She is sitting at our makeshift dining table doing homework for her night classes. Roy is working out. They have some weird techno shit blaring from the music system. I go in and change for sparring with Roy. We have been told by Digg to spar, we can break for awhile, then go out for a couple of hours. During our break is when I will attend the fundraiser with Laurel. It is a simple patrol. I let Roy know I will be back in plenty of time. I can tell he isn’t happy but he doesn’t say anything. 

Felicity isn’t in, yet. “Sin? Where is Felicity?” She looks at me startled. “Oh ummm...she’s uh..probably with Ray. I guess.” She shrugs. That is not what I wanted to hear. I hear the door open and stop. I hear giggling and I am really confused, “Hey guys!” It’s Sara. Sin runs and they hug. Felicity is standing behind her. “Sorry I’m late I had to pick up Sara.” 

Sin speaks up first, “Why didn’t either of you tell us you were coming?” She is still wrapped in Sara’s arms. “I knew” Roy announces and both women give him a stern look. “I wish I had. I could have begged off my class tonight.” Sara smiles at her, “School is important. I’m going to be here a few days. We will have plenty of sister bonding time.” 

I need to explain to Felicity why I am going out tonight and that I will be back for my patrol. I can’t do that with everyone here. Just then Roy speaks up, “Oliver don’t you need to get ready for your date?” I could kill that punk. I look to Felicity, “Y-you have a date?” I can see she is trying to pretend it’s nothing, an everyday occurrence. “No. Not really. I promised Laurel I’d host a fundraiser for her, for DA. The Queen name will still bring in donations.” She just stares at me, “oh- well that’s nice of you.” I don’t feel like it is nice of me, it feels like a mistake. She turns away and goes to her computers. Sin is giving me the normal Roy death glare. Roy just shakes his head, “You’re not good enough for Felicity, asshole.” He goes back to the mats. 

I start to make way back to the bathroom. I hear someone following. I hope it’s Felicity but, I’m smart enough to realize that is highly unlikely. I feel a swat to the back of my head. “Ow. what the fuck?” Sara is standing there. “What the hell are you doing Ollie?” She has her arms crossed and is seething. I know it’s anger and not jealousy. “I just told you, escorting Laurel and hosting the fundraiser.” I turn to leave. Sara jumps in front of me. 

“What are you doing to Felicity? Do you not WANT a second chance...well a fourth chance if you think about it. You are running out of chances.” She stares at me then moves around me and heads towards the main room. I grab a shower. While in the shower I realize my tux is at Laurel’s. Shit. I get out, put on clean sweatpants and head to my room-area to call but, before I get there, I see Laurel. She and Sara are talking. She notices me, “Ollie, there you are. I brought your tux.” She smiles and holds it up. I take it from her, “Thanks.” I head back to the bathroom to change. I think about what John said about noticing how Laurel treats Felicity. I peek back around. I see Laurel shoot looks in Felicity’s direction. When Sara says something and Felicity replies, Laurel keeps her attention on Sara. 

I change. I get that Laurel isn’t the nicest person to Felicity but, she knows I am in love with her and maybe she is jealous? Or something? I head back out. I hear Laurel’s voice, “Felicity.” She pauses. I guess waiting for a reply. I don’t hear one. “I think you should know that I am aware that Oliver and you are--seeing one another--openly now.”

“We are not dating Laurel. We are, at best, friends. He and I are barely even that, more like co-workers in this venture.” Laurel smiles at her. “Yeah, Ollie thinks it’s much more than that.” Felicity doesn’t take her eyes off her computer, “It isn’t.” That hurts. I feel like someone punched me in the gut. Felicity stands up to go grab something. Laurel follows her to the kitchenette. I stay in the shadows. 

“I know you’re seeing Ray, too.” She looks at her like she is trash. I see it now, like she is smelling day old fish. 

“I think you seeing Ray, whether you are seeing Ollie is wrong. I don’t even think you should be working for him. IF you are Ollie’s friend, that is. He TOOK QC from Ollie. How can you call yourself his friend?” Her tone is haughty and tinged with contempt. 

I see Felicity turn, “What I do or don’t do is none of your business. As it is NONE of your business who I screw or don’t. I have never claimed to be ANYTHING to--to--Oliver. EVER. I know my place, okay Laurel. Sidekick. Friend. Girl Friday.” She stops and composes herself. “As for Ray. I need the job. But even if I didn’t, I would still work there.” I see Felicity leave. Damn it. She finally says my name and it’s like it pained her and it was to Laurel. I pretend to be fixing my cufflink and walk out. 

“Ready?” Laurel turns and smiles. “Yes.” We walk out. When we are in the parking lot I see Felicity in her car. She isn’t leaving. I contemplate going over there. Laurel must sense it, “She’s fine Ollie. Let’s go.” I once again let her pull me away. Only this time, I see the look on Felicity’s face. But like last time, I go with Laurel. 

We have been at this fundraiser for a couple of hours. I have talked until I can barely speak about Laurel and how good she is for the city. I’m not sure that is true. I’ve worked the room and am finally ready to go but, Laurel isn’t. I am already late for my patrol. She and I are talking to the new mayor when I see someone out of the corner of my eye. Sara. 

Laurel speaks first, “Sara! Everyone this is my little sister, Sara.” I can tell Laurel is pissed she is here because everyone is remembering Sara and I running away together. Sara smiles, “Hello, everyone. Ollie, I need to speak with you, NOW.” I nod and follow her. I turn back and Laurel is seething. I can feel it, she isn’t hiding it very well. She follows close behind us, having made excuses of her own, I assume. 

We are out on the patio when Laurel joins us, “What the hell, Sara! You know how important tonight is to me.” She sounds like an petulant child. I want to laugh but I look to Sara and see fear in her eyes, “What is it?” I’m serious and worried now. She looks to the ground, licks her lips and looks up, “I am so sorry Ollie. I thought it would be okay.” Her voice is trembling and I see tears. “Tell me.” I have a very bad feeling, I suddenly feel sick. 

“The reason I came back was to bust some guys. It was supposed to be easy. SHE was supposed to stay in the van. It would be safe. They found the van, Ollie. They found her.” I don’t need to ask who the her is, I need to get to her. “Where is she?” Sara takes a deep breath, “The lair. Digg is doing his best but--b-but she may need more than he can do.”

I run out of there. I don’t care about manners or keeping up appearance. I only care about her. Sara is on my heels, we move to Felicity’s car, she must have brought. I get in the passenger side. I hear Laurel say something but I don’t care. The whole ride back I have a mantra, “don’t be dead, don’t be dead, please don’t leave me, please don’t leave me. Not you too...”

I can’t lose her. I just can’t. We haven’t even gotten together. I haven’t told her I love her and her know I mean it. I love her, only her. I think back to the first day we met, how utterly captivated I was by her. How much I knew I shouldn’t go back to her, but I couldn’t stop myself. I felt this pull to her. I still feel that pull. I still need her. I was so lost, angry, hurt and lashing out at the world before her. How can I go on without her? I can’t.

I don’t even wait for the car to stop, as soon as we enter the lot and Sara slows down I am out of the car and running for the building. I rip open the door and run down the stairs. I make my way to the med bay. My heart is racing. I can hear it beating in my ears. I am breathing heavily, my chest feels so constricted. Finally, I see John, he-he oh, god, he is trying to dig a bullet out of her. I run to him, “How is she?” He looks up at me, “Alive” I know that is all I need to know. I look and see Roy pacing. He is crying, “What the hell happened!? I thought this was a slow patrol night!” 

Sara is downstairs down. She looks to Roy and John. “It wasn’t, I told you part of the story at fundraiser. I came back to try and help bust some guys. They were trafficking runaways. We had the two main guys tied up already, we thought they might have accomplices circling the perimeter but the van was safely outside of that. Then over the comms, as we were ready to go back to the van we hear her scream. We ran Ollie, as fast as we could. By the time we got there, they had beaten her up and then they shot her.” Sara looks away. Roy is rocking himself on the mats. I can tell the kid is scared to death. 

“Why didn’t anyone tell me!? I would have blown off that stupid fundraiser. I would have gone with you guys. I c-c-could have protected her!” I slam my fist into the wall. Hadn’t done that in a couple of weeks. I look up and see Laurel. She heard everything. She turns and leaves. I should care that I hurt her, again. But I don’t have it in me. I start throwing everything I can find. Why didn’t they tell me! If they didn’t trust me for backup they could have left me in the van with her. Fuck! I start to calm down. I collapse in her chair. Head in hands. The tears fall freely. 

John comes over. “The bullet is out. That is the good news. We’re fresh out of antibiotics, so infection is likely. I think we need to take her to the hospital.” I know that is the last thing Felicity would want us to do. “Is there any other way?” John shakes his head, “Not unless you know where we can get some drugs.” 

“I do.” Roy has joined us. “I have connections. Write me a list and I will get everything she needs, just don’t let her die.” No one asks questions about who the connection is or where he is going. We don’t care about that, we only care about the girl on the med table. 

Sara comes over and puts her hand on my shoulder. John goes back to Felicity. I stand and go over there. I am on one side and John the other. Sara sits at the end of the table. None of us say anything. We are all scared of losing the best part of our little family. Sin eventually, gets back from classes. She sees Felicity and loses it. Sara takes her outside to calm her down. It’s at that moment it becomes clear, they all love her just as much as I do, in different ways but just as strong. 

To John, she is the kid sister he always wanted, his best friend and confidant. To Sin she is the big sister, the only stability the girl has had since her parents died. To Roy she is the sister, the person he teases and teases him. His protector and he is hers. To Sara, she is salvation. She sees the best in Sara and never holds who she is or what she did or does against her. 

And to me...to me she is my everything. I know it seems cliched but she is my sunshine. She is my reason for being, life and love. She is my conscience. She is my hope. She is the one person who knows me best and still never has turned her back on me, even if I give her every reason to do so. She is beside me in the best of times and pushes me through the worst of times.I need her, like I told Laurel, I need her like air. I can’t lose her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew...that was long. If you're still with me, thank you!
> 
> I am sorry for the cliffhanger. Just remember I am a HEA kind of girl! I promise.


	8. You and I, We'd nearly cry, To know their love was strong,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Felicity's shooting. It's a looong night for our favorite archer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever...think my Muse took a vacation..I'm just tired of staring at this chapter. I know that's horrible..it's not that bad...I don't think. Maybe it is? 
> 
> If you know the song that this chapter title is taken from...OMG! You rock. (No googling!)

We all waited patiently for Roy. He came back and he wasn’t alone. Barry Allen was with him.   
“He is your contact?” I am not at all happy with this turn of events, but if he can help Felicity I will keep my mouth shut, probably. I know my issues with him are clearly visible. I didn’t like it when Felicity told him my secret, even if it did save my life. I now realize I was upset because I felt it would take away from my bond with her. Stupid shit but there you have it. I also think the kid is at least half in love with her. 

“Oliver, good to see you again.” Barry was no longer the boy in awe of me, but he still had respect for me, “I have access to meds, and an ambulance if we need it. STAR Labs,was happy to assist..when I insisted they assist.” I sigh inwardly and nod. I really don’t want this kid around or helping her in a way, especially in a way I can’t. I have to bite the bullet and let it happen. He has an IV of saline for dehydration and uses a syringe to add antibiotics to the bag. 

He is writing down instructions for everything since he needs to get back. He keeps looking over at her and then to me, “What, Allen?” He comes over to me, I see now that he is a man, a man willing to challenge me, “How could you let this happen to her?” I am about to reply when Sara does, “He didn’t, I did. I should have kept her safe” Sara has been crying and is tearing up, she has her arms wrapped around her middle, much like Felicity does, “I should have told Ollie we needed him.” I look to Sara and she is barely holding it together. The assassin is losing it, that is not a comforting sight. Sin goes over to her to comfort her. 

Barry seems to accept what she said, but I know I should have been there. He looks at her with something close to remorse. I don’t know what for, her being in pain, for Felicity or for me. I should have told Laurel that I needed to be with the team. I should not let my guilt where she is concerned get to me. I know John is probably thinking that once again, it’s all Laurel and screw everyone else, even Felicity. By the time I am done with my personal inner reprimand, Barry is gone. He is The Flash. 

“I am going to take Roy and Sin with me to my Dad’s. What are we going to do about Felicity tonight?” Sara looks to me and I look to John. He answers her, “Barry said to leave her here with someone to watch over her. We don’t want to move her until she is awake. Keep the fluids and drugs running and she should wake up soon.” 

Sara leaves with “the kids” and promises to be back in a few hours. All three pause next to the med bay. I walk back to sit with Felicity. John comes over, “You can leave John. I can take care of her.” He looks at me and I can tell he is deciding if he can trust me. Can I handle it. “I can handle it John.”

“What if something goes wrong?” 

“I will get her to the hospital in the ambulance Barry hid. I know how to keep the IV going and the drugs. I will watch the machines. I can do this. I NEED to do this, alone.” He considers me for a moment, then nods, “If you need anything, if you feel you can’t deal with it--if something changes call me.” I nod without looking at him. I am staring at her. “Oliver, she will be okay.”

“John, I wouldn’t have gone had I known what they were planning...” I look over at him, he shakes his head, “I hope that’s true but we both know you and Laurel--blind spot. Fuck us all, to keep her safe and happy.” 

I don’t even bother to acknowledge that statement. I know he won’t believe me, I need to prove it to him. There is no other option. I concentrate on Felicity, I need her. We all need her. I hear him leave. I sit and just hold her hand. I change the IV when it’s time. I add the drugs like I was instructed and I wait. I have no concept of time. I only know time is passing and she isn’t awake.

I suddenly remember her telling me about talking to Barry. About how the evidence was conflicting about whether he could hear her or not. I know she isn’t in a coma, but I decide to talk to her. For once, I will be the one talking. I smirk at my own joke. 

“Felicity, I don’t know if you can hear me. If you would even want to hear me.” I look around. It’s not like anyone else can hear me but I still feel strange talking to her like this. “I need you to wake up. I know it’s selfish, but I really wish you would wake up. I need to see those beautiful blue eyes. That gorgeous smile. I would give anything for one of your babbles right now.” I sigh. 

“This is a shitty time to tell you this, but I meant it. When I said I love you. That he took the wrong woman. I meant it. The last thing I wanted to do was hand you over to him, I knew you were my ace in the hole. I knew you could do it. BUT if the worst happened and you couldn’t, I would have died before I let him hurt you.” I realize I am crying when I see the tears on our joined hands. I don’t stop. I can’t stop, it’s like once I started it all had to come out, like a poison. A poison keeping me from the one I love. 

“I was never as scared before in my life as I was when I saw his sword at your neck, I had just seen him kill my Mother with it and now he had you. I wished I had cured him all those years ago on the island.” I stop and wipe at my tears, clear my throat and continue, “Had I known back on the island that--that there would be a you, I would have cured him.” I sniffle. “That Slade, the one before, he would have adored you. He would have charmed you and he would make John’s big brother routine seem pathetic.” I laugh because he would have really loved her. Shado would have too. We would have all been such good friends, if only. I take another deep breath. 

“You were right, I did make unspoken promises to you. Then I failed you. Failed us. I was so stupid. When Laurel released me from that hug, the one as we disembarked the plane? I looked and you were gone. I felt rejected, so I went with her. The comfort of the familiar instead of fighting for you, chasing you.”

I get up and go grab a water, I need the break. It won’t do any good for me to dehydrate while taking care of her. I go back and sit beside her bed, take her hand and I stare at her for a moment. “I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anything or anyone.” I put my head on our joined hands. I watch the rise and fall of her chest. I memorize her face. 

I wait. 

I fall asleep. 

Her hand moves and I jerk awake. I look up and she is awake. I smile at her. She is looking around confused. Her IV is almost out so I change it again, just to be safe. “One more bag, just to be safe.” She nods. “I think I can give you some water too...” I don’t know but I think she probably knows. She nods again. I go get her a cup and a straw. I help her drink, “Thank you” Her voice is fragile, scratchy from the lack of moisture and use.

I smile, she smiles. “How mad are you?” She asks me. “I’m not mad at you.” She gives me side eye that lets me know she doesn’t believe me. “I’m not mad but you are definitely not going into the field again.” She starts to argue. I hold up my hand, “We can argue later. I am going to call John and let him know you’re awake.” I grab my phone and call. John tells me he will be here in twenty. 

We wait. I hold her hand and stare at her. She lets me. We don’t talk. I hear John come down the stairs, “How’s my patient?” He smiles and starts taking her vitals. Takes out the IV and then sits down on the other side of the bed. 

“New Rules, NO planning missions without me and Oliver. Got it?” She makes a face and nods. “I know your voice is probably a bit rough so save it and don’t argue. Next rule, NO MORE going out on missions without me and/or Oliver. Do you hear me?” She nods and looks down. I see a tear fall. “I’m not mad Felicity but we need you. I trust Sara and I trust Roy. I just trust myself and Oliver more. Last new rule, Oliver will start training you while I am on paternity leave. We can’t risk you missing training.” I stop breathing. I can’t train her! I look at John and shake my head. 

“John, I’m not sure ME training her is such a good idea. How about Sara?”

“Sara is leaving in a few days. She’ll be gone before this one”, he motions to Felicity, “is up and around again. You can handle it.” I know I can’t. What if I hurt her? What if--what if I can’t control myself around her? It’s touch and go on the best days with her. But that close and that much skin. Shit. The thought of her getting hurt because I was too weak to train with her changes my mind, “Okay. We’ll try it, I guess... When you recover.” She smiles at me. She clearly has no idea what she’s getting into. I also know she is going to fight us on every “new rule”. She won’t let us protect her that much. She will say it’s controlling not protecting. 

“I think you can go home now. I’ll take you home. Carrying you from here to the car and from car to your bed. We can’t risk a fall. Once home you need to walk a bit, with assistance.” John goes to get something. I follow. “Who’s going to take care of her?” John looks at me with a knowing smirk. “We have a protocol. I do the lifting. Roy does the entertaining and Sin does the cleaning.” He goes to his phone, I assume to call them, “Wait. I’ll do it.” 

“You’ll do what? Which part?” He is grinning at me and crosses his arms. I know he knows and is purposely making this difficult. “I will do ALL of it.” John quirks an eyebrow. “Okay. I’m fine with that as long as she is.” I look at him and he keeps looking at me, “Aren’t you going to ask her, Oliver?” I feel my jaw drop, “me? I thought you would just tell her...” He laughs. “No way man. This is all you. I’ll be waiting over there.” He points to the computers. 

I walk back to the med bay. I am biting my lip. When did I start acting like this...oh yeah, about the time I realized I had to tell--er, ask Felicity if I could take care of her. I sit down beside her. She opens her eyes and looks at me, “Throat better?” 

“Yes. Much. I can talk without pain. Thank goodness. I do love to talk.” She laughs. I feel queasy. This would go better if she couldn’t talk. “Is John taking me home soon? I’m sore and tired and I want my bed.”

“About that--I am going to take you home and stay with you.” I don’t look at her as I say this because I don’t want to see her reaction. I hear her gasp, then recover, “okay. just for tonight--or--” I still don’t look at her, “No. For the duration. I am sure the others will come by--and Sin and Roy stay with you--” Man up! I tell myself, “but I want to be the one to take care of you.” Whew. Got that out. I peek at her, and see her mouth is hanging open.

“Oliver, you don’t have to feel guilty for not being there. This isn’t your responsibility and you definitely don’t need to take care of me.” I don’t think she took a breath during that entire little speech. I am lost for a minute because she said my name, to me and it was the best sound I’d heard in a really long time. I smile. 

“I know I don’t. I WANT to take care of you. Please. Let me do this for you?” I look at her so she can see the sincerity in my eyes. She bites her lip and closes her eyes. I think she fell asleep until I hear her, “Okay. We can try it. BUT if I become too much or the situation does, you can leave. No hard feelings, okay?” I nod and I know I have the biggest smile on my face. I am going to get to take care of my girl. I wish she wasn’t hurt but, at least, I am the one nursing her back to health. 

I look over and see John smiling. I think he approves. He starts packing up everything we will need while I go pack a bag. I take a dress shirt over to Felicity. Her clothes were cut off her and she is only wearing her bra. She blushes and whispers a quick thank you. 

“Hey guys, where did the meds come from?” I look to John who is looking at me. I guess I will answer her, “Roy contacted Barry who got them.” She looks at me, “Barry was here? He didn’t stay?” She sounds hurt. I don’t want her hurting. I also don’t like her missing another guy. I am such a jealous bastard. “I think he had to get back.” 

“He had to get back or you went all grrrrr...on him and he left?” She cocks her head and looks at me. I glare at her, “I don’t go all---whatever that was at him.” I know I am lying but I can’t admit it to her. She just smiles. John comes over and gets my bag, then walks to her computers to get her purse and bag. 

“Meet me in five.” 

I walk over to her. I sit in the chair, wring my hands and stare at the floor. We just sit there. “It’s not too late to back out.” I look up at her. “I don’t want to back out. I want to take care of you.” She makes a face, “Alrighty then. You and me...convalescing. This should be interesting.” She sucks in her lips, bulges her eyes out and nods her head. I can tell she is freaking out. It’s adorable. Five minutes is up. 

“I need to carry you. I’m going to try and not hurt you. Tell me if I do.” She puts her arms around my neck as I put one arm under her legs and the other behind her back and lift her up. She winces, “You okay?” She nods. I try not to jostle her too much. I walk slowly and take the steps even slower. We finally make it to the outside. I ease her into the backseat. Thankful John has a four door sedan. I make her as comfortable as I can. Then take the passenger seat. John drives slowly and avoids as many bumps as he can. I wonder if we should have taken the ambulance. 

We arrive at her place and John goes and opens the door. I carefully lift her out and carry into her townhouse. When we get inside, she motions towards a staircase. I walk up them and she instructs with her arms to the first door (the only door) on the left. It’s open. I turn on the wall light and immediately see her bed. A huge cast iron white wash, four poster bed. It looks like something out of a fairytale. The ceiling is high, probably 10 ft. The bed is one of those that allows you to have netting or curtains hanging on it. This is a bed made for sex. I gulp. 

I walk in and carefully sit her down. “Do you need anything?” She blushes. “Felicity I am here to take care of you, what do you need?” 

“I want my own pj’s. Not that I don’t love wearing your shirt. It’s all you smelling and what girl doesn’t like wearing a man’s shirt...it’s like wearing a hug..and I’m shutting up now...” I smile.

“Where are your pj’s?” She directs me to the dresser. “Which ones do you want?” She doesn’t answer so I turn around and she is asleep. I go over to her to make sure she ‘s okay. I’m paranoid. I’ve accepted this where she is concerned. John comes in.

“You two okay?” I turn to him. “yeah. She asked for pj’s but fell asleep before telling me which ones.” He laughs. “She will want the blue ones with white clouds on them. They are her favorites when she is hurt.” I nod. I hate that she has hurting pajamas. “Seems you’ve got this under control. I’m going to get home to my girls. Call if anything changes.” 

I pull the reading chair over closer to her bed. I sit down and wait. I have no idea for what. Before I can think about that too long she’s awake. “You don’t have to sit there and watch me.” 

“It’s fine. I don’t want to leave you.”

She still has her eyes closed but is facing me, “If you don’t want to leave then you can at least get in the bed.” Her eyes shoot open. “I--I didn’t mean that the way it came out.” I smile. “I know.” I go over to the other side and sit down above the blankets. I don’t want to move and hurt her. She slowly turns to face me. “Where is Digg?”

“He went home to his girls. Do you need something?” She opens her eyes and looks at me, “Where is Sin or Roy?” I am starting to get a little nervous but remind her of our plan. “They went with Sara to her Dad’s for the night.” She looks startled. “oh.” It’s barely a whisper. “I’m here, okay?” She looks into my eyes and I can see she is nervous maybe even scared. “okay.” She closes her eyes and is back asleep. I watch her. 

I count her breaths. I watch the rise and fall of her chest. I could have lost her tonight. I could have lost my chance with her, before I even had her. I feel the lump in my throat. I carefully stretch and place a kiss on her forehead while internally vowing to never lose her. She mumbles in her sleep. I smile. She is the most precious thing in my life. My phone chimes. It’s Sara asking how Felicity is doing. I text her back with all the details. She’s relieved. 

I start strategizing how to get to be the one who takes care of Felicity. Tonight is mine but tomorrow could be an uphill battle. I don’t want anyone else to take care of her. I won John over but Roy and Sin may put up a fight. I want to prove to her and to myself, that I can take care of her. The question is will they let me? Will she once the drugs wear off?

I am lost in thought; I don’t notice she is awake again and watching me, “Ol-Oliver?” I look down at her, I have my back resting against the headboard, “yeah?” 

“I’m thirsty.” I gently move out of the bed and make my way downstairs to the kitchen and get her a glass of water. I re-enter her room and she has moved herself to a sitting position. I hand her the water and go to get her “special aspirins” that Digg left. When I return I hand them to her.

I ask if she wants more to drink, she doesn’t. “Umm...Oliver?” I stop, I was on my way back to the kitchen, but turn on my heel and I return to her room, “Yeah?” She isn’t looking at me and she is blushing, “When will Sara or Sin be back?” This again. “Not sure. Can I help?” She bites her lip and looks away. “I-I uh, I feel dirty and want to clean up and maybe put those pj’s on..” She trails off. 

I go and get a bowl, fill it with warm water and grab some soap and a wash cloth. “I can give you a quick sponge bath and help you change.” Her eyes get big, “um..okay. Are you sure?” She is actually asking me if I am okay with this? Wait, am I? I think about it and I am. I will get to caress her body (with a wash cloth) and see most of her naked. I should pinch myself and see if this is a dream of the wet variety. The fact she is injured is the only reassurance I have that it isn’t a dream.

“If our role were reversed, you’d do it for me.” She nods, “But that’s different.” She unbuttons my shirt and I help her take it off. I’ve dreamt of helping her out of her clothes but never like this. After it’s off, I grab the wash cloth, wet it and begin rubbing her down. She moans in pleasure and I try not to do the same. I know she is just relieved to be getting cleaned. When I’ve done her upper body, avoiding certain parts of her very female anatomy, I realize it’s time, “Okay, umm...your pj top?” She smiles at me, “Help me put on the shirt.” It’s a tee shirt. I gently put it over her head and help get her arms through the armholes. Once that’s done she tells me, “Could you--uhmmm--unhook my bra?” I know my face must be shocked. She leans forward and I do as she ask. I realize then she is going to try and shimmy out of it. 

“here, let me.” I pull the straps down from outside her tee shirt and pull it out the left arm hole. She smiles at me, “I guess all those wild misspent youth adventures pay off!” I smirk. “I guess.” Next, I wash her legs and feet then help her get the pants on. It goes much easier. I’ve never dressed a woman before. 

“Who knew getting into pj’s would be so exhausting.” I go to answer her and she is falling asleep again. Good she needs the rest and I need the time to get over what just happened. John calls and I update him. Sin and Roy stop by to get clothes. Felicity sleeps through all of it. Sara stops by later. 

“Ollie, I am so sorry I didn’t tell you what they had planned.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I don’t want to sound judgmental, but I am, Sara knows what Felicity means to me, “You know I would have stayed behind. You know better than anyone what she means to me!” I didn’t think I was this angry but I guess I am. Sara knows how I feel, she’s known longer than I have. She was the one who told me I was using her to keep Felicity at a distance. She’s the one that encouraged me to chase the girl, to let her light guide me back to my humanity. 

“I know. I just -- I guess that I thought she should make her own decisions. I also understood that you hurt her; choosing to go with Laurel..not just last night but after Slade.” 

“What does that have to do with it?”

“Don’t you see Ollie? She wants to prove to you and herself that she is stronger than you think. That she is strong enough to be yours, to live this life with you.”  
Sara sighs, “Ollie, she thinks you used her to save Laurel...she thinks it was all about Laurel--”

Oh my god. It all makes sense now. “She doesn’t have to prove anything to me. I want her, only her.” Sara looks at me with a questioning look, “You would walk away from being the arrow for her?” I nod. “There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. If she wanted me to stop tomorrow, I would. If she asked me to leave this city, I would.” I want to punch something or someone, “I didn’t use her to save Laurel--I used her to save the city..I still used her but--damn it!” 

“She would never ask that of you. To give up being the Arrow, or the city.” I know she wouldn’t. I think that is why I love her. She would never ask me to choose between her and anything or anyone else. She would sacrifice herself for me, as I would, her. She loves everything and everyone so freely and easily. 

“What are you going to do, Ollie?”

“Make her fall in love with me. Make her see she is all I want. Hope she wants me.” Sara smiles. It’s the smile of Sara before the Queen’s Gambit. The sweet girl, I met before everything went wrong. She hugs me. “I am so happy for you. I know if you can do this, then maybe I can do it too.” I hope we both can but I don’t say that. I just act like we can. Sara leaves and I head upstairs to Felicity. 

I expect her to be asleep but she isn’t. She is sitting there crying. I hurry to the bed, “What’s wrong?” I gently sit down in front of her and push her hair out of her face. She looks at me, clearly scared. She shakes her head. “Please tell me? I can help you--are you hurt?” She shakes her head again. “Do you need more special aspirins? Water?” I am getting frantic. I need to know what is wrong with her. She senses my frustration. She sniffles and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. I smile. 

“I thought you left me--again.” She is crying as she whispers these fateful words into the calmness of her room. I move closer and wrap her in my arms, careful not to hurt her, “Oh baby--no. I am NEVER leaving you again.” She leans into my chest and grabs a handful of my shirt. I let her cry. I know she is crying because I did leave her, because she can’t trust me to stay and because she was hurt tonight. Her tears finally slow and her breathing evens out. She is asleep. I hold her. 

I fall asleep.


	9. Fall for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver is taking care of his girl but as always things get complicate. Ray Palmer visits and brings with him some drama. John visits to check up on his patient. Some deep discussions, some truths and a choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos and comments. They keep me inspired and scare me a bit. Scared in a good way. Your support means so much to me. I wish I could hug each and everyone of you. I am once again a bit scared of this chapter. It went in away I wasn't expecting but going the way I originally planned seemed wrong. The Muse, she is insistent. :)
> 
>  
> 
> I apologize in advance for the roller coaster ride. They need to have this ride so that things can be cleaned up and a fresh start. Sorry for any typos etc.

The phone wakes me. It is vibrating in the bed between us. I look and Felicity is awake and looking at the phone, she looks away. I notice it’s Laurel’s picture. She is calling me. 

“Yeah?” She proceeds to rip me a new one. Apparently, the photographers took pictures of Sara and I leaving the party. She screams that it looks like we are running away together, again. I have to move the phone away from my ear. I roll my eyes at Felicity. I notice her trying to move to the edge of the bed. I make a questioning face. She ignores it. I see her stand and nearly lose her balance. She motions for me to stay. She slowly starts making her way to one of the doors. When she opens it I notice it is the bathroom. I’m no longer listening to Laurel. I am listening to see if Felicity will need help. 

I hear water running and assume she is finished and is now washing her hands. She comes out. I notice she rinsed the tear stains from her face. She once again slowly moves, only this time to the bed. She stumbles, I toss the phone, I am over to the side of the bed and to her, I grab her arm and balance her then I smile. We both look and see I shattered my phone. Felicity smiles at me, “That’s one way to end a phone call.” We both laugh. It hurts her. I pick her up and place her in bed. 

“Digg says I’m supposed to walk.” She informs me, like I forgot anything John said about her recovery. “And you did. All the way to the bathroom and back. Impressive.” She rolls her eyes again. “What do you want for breakfast?” I notice she looks a bit worried. “I can cook...I can fry eggs or scramble them. Pancakes..I can probably do that too.” She is trying not to laugh at me. “Or we can call Sin, she can make a mega breakfast.” 

I know she is trying to help but it stings that she is ready to call reinforcements. I put my feelings aside and am prepared to call Sin. I look around at my shattered phone, “Can I use yours? My phone is having technical difficulties” I deadpan. She laughs then grabs her abdomen. “No laughing!” She laughs harder then stops suddenly, “You don’t have to call Sin..I -I don’t want to put you out. That is why I said she could do it.” I nod. “It’s okay. You’ve learned to depend on them.” 

She quirks her mouth, “I have and I do. But--” she sighs, “If we’re going to be friends again then I need to learn to trust you again--to depend on you.” She looks down at her lap, “It’s just hard.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” She jerks her head up. I know now she thought I’d never want to talk to her about what I did. That is how I would normally deal with things and running but I already did that. “I do..but not today. I want today to be about healing me physically and maybe fun--you remember fun right?” I smile, my special for her only smile and nod. 

I carry her downstairs and situate her in a comfy chair that I had moved earlier to the kitchen, in the event I did cook breakfast. I am scrambling eggs and making pancakes that also look scrambled. She had some bacon leftover from a couple of nights ago. I am looking for juice when her doorbell rings. She shrugs and keeps eating her scrambled pancakes. I go to the door. 

I open it and find Ray Palmer. Does this man have no boundaries. He looks surprised to see me here, good. “Queen? What are you doing here?” Oh shit, we didn’t come up with a cover story and she will need one now that she doesn’t work for me. Just then she stumbles out into the entry way. She sees him and she gets a look, a look I’ve never seen before and I thought I had seen every look she has. “Hello, Mr Palmer.” He looks her up and down and I do not like it. He is both appreciative of her beauty and assessing what is going on between us. I glare so he knows I know what he is thinking. He clears his throat. 

“Miss Smoak. I’m sorry to interrupt your Saturday, however, I have lost the security report for the new Applied Sciences building. Do you have a copy?” She swallows and it seems like she is nervous. “No Sir. I do not. I don’t take secure and confidential files home, per your request.” 

“I see..” He doesn’t leave. He stares at the floor, thinking. He looks up and the look is lethal, “I take it you and Queen are back to whatever it was you were?” I move to punch the shit out of this guy. Felicity puts her hand on my shoulder and I immediately calm, like always. I look back at her and she shakes her head. “We are barely even friends. I’ve told you that, often.” She stares at him. It’s a blank stare. She has schooled her features into a total lack of emotion, not like MY Felicity. “ I had a car accident last night and Mr. Queen brought me home. He was and is, until I redo the paperwork, my emergency contact.” Palmer nods. “I see. Well you should get right on that paperwork. It’d do you no good to need him and he be out with Miss Lance.” He grins at me. A grin that says ‘gotcha’. Bastard. I can’t help myself, “That won’t be an issue.” I turn to Felicity, “I would like to remain your emergency contact.” She doesn’t look at me. She keeps staring at him. “I don’t know...” He breaks the silence that fell after her words. “I will see you at the office. Please keep your phone on you, Miss Smoak. I may NEED you.” She nods. 

I go and close the door behind him. I turn back to her and her eyes are closed and she has a tear running down her face. I am confused. I also feel anger and jealousy. Damn it. I need to get this shit under control. 

“Felicity what just happened here?” She shakes her head and doesn’t open her eyes. She turns to head back to her seat. “Felicity?” She sits and holds up her hand to stop me. I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t but I have to know what is going on. John told me she was seeing him and could love him and that he is good for her. What I saw was not good for her, it was not love and it scared me. I am scared for her, what is she doing?

“Mr. Palmer is---is difficult to work for and is very demanding.” I stand there waiting. “AND?” She sniffles, “He doesn’t like me very much.” I keep saying it because it’s true, “I’m confused. John said that you two were seeing each other. That you were falling in love. That--That Palmer is good for you! Now, you’re saying he doesn’t like you?”

She has sucked both of her lips into her mouth and is crying. She looks to me and I know, I don’t know how, I FEEL deep down she needs me. I go over and scoop her up and place her on my lap, much like when she asked if she was a whore. It clicks. “He called you a whore? That is why you were crying that day!” She shakes her head, “No, he said others were calling me a-a-a whore and that he was worried. He ended our non working relationship. I sullied his image. THAT’S when he decided he doesn’t like or trust me.” She puts her head on my shoulder. “I may or may not use men’s affections to further my career.”

“Quit the damn job!” I practically scream it. She jumps but doesn’t move out of my lap. “I can’t.” I am upset and getting angry, “Why the hell not?” She hugs me tight, I hear a whimper. I know she hurt herself. “I am--I’m” She pauses, pulls back to look at me, “I am going to get QC back for you, but I can’t do that if I’m not working there.” 

Oh holy shit. First of all, she is doing this for me. She is suffering through some, at best, unpleasant work conditions, at worst sexual harassment and abuse, for me. Second she was doing all of this before I even came back to her. Third, I love this crazy girl. She is the best thing I have in my life and the only one I need. 

“I don’t need the company back and I don’t want it back at your expense. I either do it myself or I don’t deserve to have it. YOU don’t deserve to suffer for my sins.” I kiss her forehead. She cuddles deeper into my arms. “I’m serious, no one has the right to say those things about you. He has no right to put you in that position.” I feel her stiffen. I go over my words quickly in my head and nothing seems wrong to me, I brace myself. She pulls away, she stands and she doesn’t look at me but very sternly with no emotion, “You had no problem when it was me being portrayed as YOUR whore. YOUR side whore, at least with Palmer I wasn’t the go-to girl when Isabel or Sara were unavailable to fulfill your needs.” she hobbles to the stairs. Once she steps on the first one, I move to her and scoop her up and carry her.For once, she doesn’t protest. I sit her on the bed. Neither of us look at the other. I wonder how long we can be like this...I’ve never fought this much with someone I’m not sleeping with! I think about it, and I’d rather fight with her than be with anyone else. 

The smoke alarm goes off. Damn, I forgot the pancakes. I move her to the chair and run to the kitchen. I grab the dish cloth, grab the pan and toss it in the sink. Then I start fanning the detector so that it stops it’s incessant screaming. I hear her laughter. It is the most beautiful sound in the world. 

“About breakfast...” I yell up the stairs. She laughs some more. “I have cereal in the cupboard.” I turn to glare at the stairs, “NOW you tell me?” She giggles and yells back, “We’ve played doctor before, I wanted to play house this time!” I belly laugh. Only she can bring this side out of me. I feel so alive with her. I can’t wait to really play house, I hope to really play house soon.   
.  
I grab two bowls and two spoons, then go grab the cereal and milk. I take it upstairs then go back down for her. we have a picnic. I look around, “No t.v.?” She looks around too, “No, I feel like a bedroom should be for two things: sex and sleeping. Not watching television, working on the computer or tablet. I only bring my phone in here because I don’t have a landline.” I nod. “Most people have a tv or something in their room.”

“I know..when I’m in a relationship--I want the bed to be a place of quiet, of de-stressing, of intimacy and love. Not noise from a screen.” She shrugs, “I know, I’m weird.” I smile at her and take another bite of cereal thinking about what she said before I reply.

“I think that is really great. People should do that, have more intimacy and communication in the bedroom. A no-zone for anything that doesn’t help their relationship. I like it.” She smirks, “I like how you avoided the whole me and sex thing.” I blush. “What can I say--I don’t like to think about you and sex unless it involves me.” I state this matter of fact with a shrug. She spews her cereal at me and all over her bed. She is choking. I move to pound her back, “You alright?” She nods vigorously. I know that had to pull her stitches. I go grab her some water. 

“Here. Drink.” I hand her the glass and she sips it. “Thanks” she says, it comes out hoarse. “All better?” She nods again. She swallows and coughs once more. “Y-y-you...think about, do you...” she pauses bats her eyes a couple of times, looks away then back to me, then away again, back to me, “You think about sex...I mean of course you do, you’re a guy...well, a man- a very healthy, virile male..I mean I assume you are... And men think about sex a lot--you think about me and sex?” 

I am holding back a laugh. She is so adorable when she babbles and is all confused. “Correction...I try not to think about you and sex UNLESS the sex is WITH me.” I take another bite of my cereal. She opens and closes her mouth at least six times. “You.thinkaboutushavingsex?” I smirk. “Yes. Often, actually.” I know I’ve peeked her curiosity with that one.

“By often you mean? Once a week? Once a month? Once a year?...” She makes the exact same face she made when telling me QC made the trackers and that the CEO of said company is always late. I smile at the memory and her innocence. “By often I mean, six maybe seven times a day. More if you’re wearing the boob dress or that gray dress.” I take my spoon and motion in the air, “Those two dresses star in several of my dreams--” I look at her and smirk. She gulps. I actually call it “The Tit Dress” but I can’t say that to her, she’s a lady and might smack me. She has no idea how much I think of her and sex with me. How much I just want her. 

“Boob dress?” She has the most adorable quizzical face. I think of that dress again and smile, “the red one, with the cut out over your boobs. It really draws my attention.” She is thinking about it, I can see her going through her entire wardrobe. “The Barry dress!” Well, that’s an instant boner killer. “he never once looked at my girlies all on display. I never wore it again.” She has a pout. “Whether you wore it or not, in my dreams you do or did.” I trail off. 

“Did? What has my dress done to you?”

“It was for Barry.” I spit his name out. I really hate him, or hate how much she doesn’t hate him. She giggles. “I’m sorry. But. In my defense you had just slept with Isabel and told me you weren’t into me or more accurately anyone you could care about..so...a girl has needs.” She smiles. I growl. I actually growl. She gives me a look. “Oh my god, did you actually just growl?” I look away then back to her. I pin her with my gaze. She immediately stops fidgeting and her smile drops, “I did.” I pause to gather my thoughts but can’t, “I hate thinking of you with Barry. I hate the fact I hurt you with Isabel more and the fact that I pushed you away...I could have lost you.” 

She doesn’t break the stare. She clears her throat, “You can’t hate it too much--pushing me away-- you do it often and never in the kindest manner. I think you like me having feelings for you--it gives you an ego boost.” I’m shocked, confused and a bit hurt by her words. “That’s not true. I-I care for you very deeply.” She shakes her head, “BULLSHIT. if you cared for ME and not just the way I make you feel, my support and my devotion--you wouldn’t treat me how you do.” 

I see her tears and feel my own. I remember her not wanting to talk about this today, “I thought we weren’t talking about things?” She shakes her head, “We aren’t. Not really. Subject change...how do you like your job?” I have whiplash from the sudden topic change and her mood shift. “It pays the bills...how--why--do you really think I only care about how you make me feel?” I know her answer is important, this may be the most important moment in our relationship. She looks at me, right in the eye, “Yes. I do. If I, myself, meant anything close to you as you mean to me, Laurel wouldn’t have had you all summer. Isabel never would have happened and Sara--I can’t even go there.” 

I get our dishes and take them down stairs, when I get back to her room she is trying to strip her bed. “Go sit. I will do this.” I strip her bed, “Do you have a laundry room?” She directs me to it, it’s then I remember I’ve never washed before. I read the label on the bedding, then the detergent. “Here goes nothing.” I start it. I head back upstairs and she is still sitting there. She directs me to the linen closet. I pull out bright yellow sheets and a matching blanket. When I get back to her room, she stands and helps me remake the bed. It’s time for more meds. She takes them and crawls into bed, I tuck her in. She gives me a sad smile, “I’m sorry, Oliver. I never meant to hurt you.” I kiss her forehead and reply, “You didn’t. I hurt you and by hurting you, I hurt us both.” She seems to accept that and falls asleep. 

I go downstairs to clean up the kitchen. I am lost in my own world when there is a knock at the door. I wipe the suds off my hands and go to the door. It’s John. “Hey man, how’s our girl?” He takes off his jacket and hangs it on the hook. He follows me back to the kitchen, “She’s napping. Palmer stopped by this morning.” John’s eyebrows shoot up, “And?” I rinse the dish I was washing, “He treats her like shit. He dumped her because of the rumors about us and then about them?” He folds his arms over his chest and leans against the door frame. “She okay?” I turn to face him, “She is doing this for me and that damn company.” He nods. “She thinks I was okay with it, as long as she was my whore, she thinks---god, John she thinks I don’t care about her--that it’s about how she makes me feel about myself!” I can hear the anger, fear, longing and desperation in my own voice. 

“A woman like Felicity with a guy like you is a tough road, man. She needs reassurance and love. To feel loved and cherished. YOU are scared of breaking her both physically and emotionally. You two need to talk. Really talk.” John says this sincerely, no malice that could be, should be in his voice and I know he is right. I need to earn her trust so she can talk to me freely. “Before you talk to her, the real talk, get your head out of your ass and Laurel in her place. Or forget it.” John has spoken and he is right about everything. 

When Felicity wakes up, he goes upstairs and check up on her. I know he will re-dress her wounds, probably talk to her and make sure I’m not abusing her. He comes downstairs and tells me, “She’s asked for dumplings. I’m going to run and get some. You want a burger or something?” I tell him my usual. He leaves. He is a good man. I want to be more like him, I think to myself. I head upstairs. 

I knock on the door frame. She looks up from her book. “Hey.” I walk in and sit by her on the bed. “Hey Yourself.” We sit there for a few minutes. It’s not unpleasant silence but it isn’t the easiest. She finally breaks it, “you know you don’t have to stay. I understand if you want to leave.” I can’t believe my ears, I look to her and then away. Why would she say that to me? “Do YOU want me to go? I will if you want that but I don’t want to leave you.” She shakes her head while still not looking at me. “Then I’m staying. For the long haul, got it?” She nods. Her silence is scary, it makes me feel weird. I am used to my bubbly IT girl. 

“Felicity, why do you always offer us an out? I’ve seen you do with it John and Sara too.” I can see her shoulders shaking. Shit, I made her cry, again. “Forget I asked. Just don’t cry. okay?” Her shoulders shake more then she looks up and I want to cry. Her face is stricken and heartbroken, I feel my chest ache and think nothing can hurt me more, until she speaks, “Everyone always leaves me...I guess maybe showing them the exit makes me feel not so-so- abandoned. Unwanted and most of all unlovable.” I move to her, I don’t care if we’re fighting, I don’t care if she tries to run, I have to have her in my arms. I wrap my arm around her back and pull her into my chest. I cry with her. 

“I promise I’m not leaving you. Never again. I know you have no reason to trust me, to believe in me or to think I’m not lying to you. I will show you Felicity Smoak. I’m staying.” She doesn’t say anything and that’s okay. There is nothing for her to say. This is all on me. She can’t give me an easy out and say it’s okay because it isn’t. She can’t tell me she knows I won’t hurt because I have. I have to prove I am the guy she wants, needs and deserves. This may be the biggest fight of my life but I’m going to win it. I’m not even sure I believe I am good enough for her or the guy she needs and I KNOW she deserves better. 

I hear John’s throat clearing. “I got your food.” I look down to Felicity, “Want to eat here or downstairs.” She thinks about it then tells me, “Downstairs.” She gets up. I want to carry her but John is here and he will insist she walks. He heads downstairs to set up the table. I stay in front of her, just in case she needs anything. I take my new role as caregiver and protector very seriously. We get downstairs and John has put our feast on her coffee table. He also has put pillows around where I assume Felicity should sit. She walks over there slowly and lowers herself. John hands her a container of dumplings. He moves to the chair to the side of the coffee table and by Felicity. I plop on the floor in front of her. John had left mine in the bag. A subtle way of letting me know who he is here to see. 

We talk and eat. It almost seems like old times. The three of us, The Three Amigos, The original team. It’s nice. I like having Sara, Roy and Sin around but the three of us, we are where it all started and my bond to them is the first one I formed post-island. These two know as much about me as any person in this world. Sure, Sara knows Ollie and she knows the island but she doesn’t know everything else and she only knows snippets of who I am now. These two are my home base. 

I don’t know how long I was lost in my own head. I hear and see John stand and stretch. “I think I should head home. Lyla’s friend has probably left by now” He seems serious. Felicity tilts her head back to look at him, “And you miss your baby girl.” She says knowingly. John blushes and smiles, “I miss both of my girls.” They share a look. “When can I see my Goddaughter? I miss her?” John looks at her, I can tell from that look how much he adores Felicity. Not like I adore her but like how I adore Thea. “Any time. I can bring her by soon or when you’re up to it come by the apartment.” She nods, “How long am I housebound Dr. Digg?” She giggles when she asks and I think all of us know, it doesn’t matter what he says, she will go when she is ready. 

“I think Tuesday you can venture out but not a full day of work. If Palmer has a problem with that, I will deal with him.” Felicity considers him for a moment, “With or without the hood?” He smiles, “Whichever I think will work best.” Some times I love John Diggle so much I could kiss him. Then I realize he would probably kill me so I just mentally high five him. He bends down and kisses her on the cheek goodbye. 

I stand and walk him to the door. “Oliver. She needs to walk. She also needs to rest.” I nod because I know all of that and I knew he would remind me. He turns to leave then turns back, “I can see you are in love with her..be careful. You don’t always think things through and that tends to cause a lot of collateral damage. Do NOT make her collateral damage. When it doubt?” I quick an eyebrow, “Ask yourself: What Would Digg Do?” He smiles triumphantly. “Hint: the answer will never include running to Laurel Lance. It will never involve running away from that girl on the couch. And it will never involve leaving this team again.” With that he gives a satisfied nod of the head and leaves. I close the door and lock it. I start turning out lights. I go to the living room. Felicity is lost in though. It’s been a long day for someone recovering from a bullet wound. I grab the food containers and toss them away. I return to the couch and sit down beside her. It’s dark in the room now. We sit and stare at the room. The air feels heavy. 

“I heard John. Don’t listen to him. He’s overprotective.” I turn and look at her. She isn’t looking at me. She staring out the picture window on the other side of the room. “If you don’t want to be here--if --if someone needs you, your instinct is to go and you should. I don’t own you.I’m not your wife or girlfriend even. I won’t be that girl.” 

I feel like I missed something somewhere. “You won’t ever be my wi--my girlfriend?” I am thinking she may never want to marry me, do I want to be married? I think I do, if it’s to her. She snorts drawing me back to the present. She actually snorts and it’s so cute. I smile. “I won’t be the girl who tells you what to do, who to be, who can be important to you. I won’t let you dictate those things to me, either.” I heard her words. I understand them, yet I think I am missing something and whatever that is has to be important maybe the most important missing piece in finally getting my girl. 

She stands and slowly moves to the stairs. I want to scoop her up but I know she won’t let me and she does need to do this. We make it upstairs she turns to the bedroom, then to the bathroom. I realize I have no idea where to sleep. I wonder if she needs help. I hear her brush her teeth and wash up. I wanted to do that. She comes out and my mouth goes dry. She wearing one of those front hook sport bras that women wear as shirts and a pair of boy briefs. 

She doesn’t notice me staring or my tongue which I assume is hanging out of my mouth cartoon style. I close my mouth when I see her headed my way, “I need help re-dressing it--I got it wet.” She says this apologetically. Why is she apologizing? I get to touch her bare skin. Oh shit. I have to touch her bare skin. She turns back to the bathroom I follow. “Can you?” I don’t know what she wants at first. I’m more than a little compromised by the fact my blood flow is having issues with which way to go. Then I realize she wants me to sit her up on the counter. I lift her up slowly and sit her down. “Thanks” 

I carefully take off the bandage John had put on earlier. It still looks hideous but not infected. I clean it out again. I put some medicine around it and then re-bandage the wound. John had wrapped gauze around her torso, so I do the same. I bump her collar bone, “Sorry.” I whisper. She smells so good. It’s intoxicating how good she smells. With the next and last pass with the gauze it takes all my willpower not to kiss and lick her shoulder. I adore her shoulders. 

“Done.” I whisper as I pull back. I look down to see if she’s in pain since she is so quiet and that is not like her. I see it. I see the desire in her eyes and unsteady breathing. Oh fuck. She is sexy as hell, half naked and oh yeah, injured. That cuts any thoughts of fulfilling her desires out of my head. I help her off the counter and she moves to the bed. I clean up the mess. 

“Need anything else?” She is sitting above the covers. All leggy and tempting. I swallow. I look to her face. “I’m good. You coming to bed?” I gulp three times. I want her saying that in completely different non-platonic circumstances. I nod. I don’t trust my voice and I am too busy reigning in my thoughts about her half naked body right now. She giggles. “What?” I say as I sit down as far on my side as I can without falling off. 

“You do know you said all that aloud right?” Oh shit. I look and I don’t think I said that where she can hear. I just look at her. My jaw hurts from clinching it so tight. She gets under the cover. I stay above. She curls away from me and for once, I am fine with that. Anymore temptation and well, I don’t do well at denying myself things. I move to a laying position on my back and start counting sheep. I hear her breathing even out. I blow out a breath. Thankful she is sleeping. I see her phone is lit up. I make my way out of bed and to her side and answer it. 

“Hello?”   
“Hello, I am nurse Zoe from Starling City General. I am looking for an Oliver Queen. I was given this as a back up number. May I speak with him?”

I am scared. Thea is my first thought since the only other person it would kill me to lose is sound asleep next to where I stand. “I am Oliver Queen.” She lets out a breath, “Thank goodness. I have a Laurel Lance in our Emergency Department. She has listed you as someone to call.”

“And...”

“She was mugged tonight and brought in, we need you to come down here.” Shit. Laurel is hurt. I hang up. I don’t ask how hurt or any other details. I look over and Felicity is awake. “Everything okay?” I shake my head. “Who?” I look at her. I reach and turn on the light I need to see her. I need to know she is safe and alive. 

“Laurel.” I see it. I see the hurt ghost across her face. Then..Then I see her school her features just as she did for Palmer earlier. I’m torn. Laurel needs me but Felicity is my priority. I stare out the window. The one I’ve watched Felicity through a million times. I work my jaw. I think about what John said, then what Felicity said. 

“Go.” I look down at her. “Just go. If you don’t you will get all broody on me. And you will just worry. Go. It’s Laurel.” I always listen to her. The few times I haven’t have been the times things went wrong. I nod. “If you need anything...”

“I will call John. You don’t have a phone remember?” Shit. She’s right. Maybe I should just stay. I would take her with me but she’s injured. I stand there debating. She turns away. I guess she does mean for me to go. I exit the bedroom. Make my way to the front door and leave. I don’t know why but as I leave I feel so cold inside. Colder than I have ever felt in my life. I sigh and head towards the hospital. I hail a cab when I get out of the residential section of town. When I climb in, I am overwhelmed with a feeling of loss. I almost give the driver Felicity’s address instead of the hospital but I don’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and trusting me. I am so sorry for the cliffhanger but I promise the pay off will hopefully be worth it.


	10. you dropped a bomb on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver visits Laurel in the hospital and gets a surprise. Then he has to wonder if he made a huge mistake by leaving Felicity...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all...you.all. Thank you so much for the generous comments! I am so touched. I admitted last time they scared me because they are so nice and positive..and it's true but it is also awesome. So, thank you!! I'd hug everyone of you. Sinceriously. 
> 
> Kudos..aw, you guys...*blush* you're too good to me!!
> 
> This chapter..ummm...first don't toss your computers or tablets with the Laurel bit. Please! That would be very bad. Then for the Oliver and Felicity bit...tissues..maybe some wine (if you're old enough if not..ice cream?) 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it. It was very emotional chapter to write. It wasn't proofread because it was so emotionally draining to write. Sorry about that..

I arrive at the hospital and pay the driver. I head towards the door and a camera is shoved in my face, “Mr Queen! Oliver! Are you here for Miss Lance?” The reporter smiles a slimy smile. I just glare and move into the hospital. I don’t know how they know Laurel is here, but I don’t like it. It implies she and I are still a couple and we most definitely will never be one again. Friends, sure, but lovers no. I go to the Emergency Department. As I get through the doors Sara is at my side, “Ollie what the hell are you doing here?” I don’t understand the hostility in her voice or that look in her eye. 

“A nurse called, said I was her contact. Of course, I came!” Sara gives me a look that I am thinking she gives people before killing them. Sin and Roy are both there. Not happy either. I get that they are upset I left Felicity alone but I thought Laurel needed me, oh. That’s it. “Guys, Felicity knows I am here, she TOLD me to come.” Sara rolls her eyes, Sin does the same and Roy, is Roy and just glares. “Ollie, she would tell you that! It’s Felicity!” Before I have time to refute her observation, I turn to see a nurse, I assume Nurse Zoe, she smiles and I walk over to her. “Hi, I’m Oliver Queen.” She motions for me to follow her. We walk down a long white hallway. It always smells bad and feels so cold in hospitals. I shiver. She stops and motions me towards a door. I walk into a room and see Laurel in a bed with her dad by her side. He is not happy to see me. Laurel smiles. 

“Ollie! Thank you!” She holds her hand out to me, I take it. “How are you? What happened?” Her dad is sending me looks that could kill. I ignore him. I’ve been getting them for half my life. “I was leaving the office and someone came up and took my bag, purse, he had a gun, then he shoved me down.” I can see she is upset but she’s been through worse. I don’t get the overreaction here. Her dad is really glaring at me, we aren’t even a couple I am here as her friend. Maybe he is pissed I left Felicity too. He does have a soft spot for her.

A doctor enters the room, “Miss Lance, Mr. Queen.” He nods towards us. “Laurel, honey..I’m going to wait outside with your sister.” I’m not sure why her dad would leave. He gives me another dirty look. The doctor watches her dad leave, then turns toward us. “Your tests all came back normal. And the baby is fine.” Good, Good she’s fine..I think my heart dropped. “WHAT? WHAT BABY?” Laurel squeezes my hand, “Our baby, Ollie.” No way. No how. This cannot be real. My head is spinning. Wait a second, “How far along?” I know the exact date of the last time we were together. It probably makes me a dick but I don’t want to be the father.

Laurel replies, “Three months.” and smiles. Damn. It is mine. The doctor clears his throat, “Miss Lance, you are only 5 weeks.” I feel the relief all through my body. Laurel definitely inherited her dad’s death glare and the doctor is on the receiving end of it. He looks nervous and with that he leaves alone.

“Laurel you know I am NOT the father. There is no way for me to be. We only slept together four times and not in months.” I also know she cheated on me. I don’t care but she did cheat. “Please Ollie..just say it’s yours.” Is she crazy! I’ve done a lot to this girl and for this girl but being someone’s daddy? If it were mine, sure but..

“I can’t do that. Think about what it would do to Felicity? I can’t do that to her. I’m sorry.” She turns cold, folds her arms and she looks at me as if I am her worst enemy. “You owe me this, Ollie. I put up with so much. You left with my sister! You ran away with her. Then Tommy died because of us. And you left me for-for-for that nerdy, awkward strange girl!” She is losing it. I put a hand on her shoulder. She shrugs it off. Do I owe her this?

“I know I did all of that. I am sorry. But Laurel. I can’t lie to a child! You shouldn’t lie to your child. Look what happened with Thea because my Mother lied!” She doesn’t look at me. I wait. She cries. “The crying can’t be good for the baby.” She lays down and turns away from me.   
“Do NOT act like you care about us. Do NOT act like you turning your back on me is for the child’s sake--because of Thea.” She takes a moment to collect herself. “This, you abandoning me and the child, is all about FELICITY. Ollie.” she whines, really whines, “She is so pathetic. How can you want her?” I am so angry that she would say these things about the woman I love, the best person I know. I clenched my fists to get my anger under control. I turn away. I don’t want to say something I will regret.

“Laurel, listen to me.” My voice is stern, under control and veering into my arrow voice. “Even if Felicity doesn’t forgive me, even if there was never a Felicity, there would be no ‘us’’. I turn to her.  
She sits up and turns, then she picks up her water pitcher and tosses it at my head. I dodge it and I leave. Captain Lance is standing there. Judging from the look on his face he heard everything. 

“Are you sure it’s not yours?” He asks. He isn’t angry I think he is worried. I think he is upset at her and not me. That is new. “I am positive, Sir.” He nods. “I was scared of that.” He sighs. He sighs like a man who knows his life is about to get complicated. “Guess I should get in there.” He moves toward the door. 

“Sir?” He turns to look at me. I know he is surprised by my respectful attitude. That’s not common from me. I continue, “Do you know who the father is? And is she sober? I know it’s not my business, but I do care.” He looks me over, sizing me and my feelings. “I know you do. You’ve grown up.” He looks to the door and then to me, “It’s Palmer. Ray Palmer and her sobriety is not in jeopardy. I don’t think it is anyways.” He turns and heads into her room. I walk back into the waiting area. 

I see Sara she stands up and comes over to me. I motion for Roy and Sin too. Might as well get this shit over with fast. I direct them to a quiet alcove. We stand in a circle. “I need ALL of you to listen until I am done.” I look each of them in the eye. They all nod. I take a deep breath and hope for the best. 

“Laurel was attacked. She is fine.” I see all of them sigh with relief. I quickly continue, “BUT she is pregnant.” All three immediately give me the ‘how dare you’ look. “I am NOT the father. She is only 5 weeks. She wants me to say I am but I am not.” Sin is looking over my shoulder with a sad look on her face. I know she is close to Felicity so I assume she is worried about her. 

She lifts her finger to point into the waiting area, “I guess someone should tell the reporters that are calling you ‘Daddy’.” I turn and look. I see the reporter talking about how Laurel was rushed to the hospital where luckily the Queen Heir was saved. My first thought is anger and then Felicity, what if she sees this?. “I-I gotta go. I need to be back before Felicity wakes up and sees it.” I start making my way to the exit.

“Digg is there. He may have told her already.” Roy seems happy to tell me this shit. I give him a look and run for the exit. Of course the reporters are there. 

“Mr. Queen, how excited are you to be a dad? When is she due?” I look to the reporter and have my stock “no comment” answer on the tip of my tongue but then I think Felicity may see this and it could be my only shot at telling her the truth. “I am not the father. I wish her and the father all the best. I came here as her friend to support her, nothing more.” I smile my Ollie Queen, oh shucks you guys know me smile. I doubt they believe me but I didn’t do this for them, I did it for her, always for her. 

I grab a cab. I sit in the back seat and blow out a breath and lean back against the seat. I start thinking about this day. It’s been rough and I want nothing more than to see Felicity. Hold her. Maybe get to sleep in her bed with her. I smile. I know there is a good chance she could have heard but I feel we are in a better place, we can handle this storm. I arrive. I pay. I get out and jog up the steps but before I reach the top John is coming out the door. “Hey, I’m back. You can go.” I go to move around him and he puts his hand on my shoulder to stop me. I notice not for the first time, my team, we all have a thing for shoulders. 

“You are not going in there. You are not welcome in there.” He is being serious. He is in security- bodyguard mode. I don’t understand. I went to see Laurel, but Felicity was okay with it. “John, she knew I was going and okay with it.” He just nods and crosses his arms over his chest. “What did I tell you before I left?” I think about it. I can’t recall what he said or how it applies. He finally shakes his head, “I told you NOT to make that girl collateral damage and NOT to go running to Laurel and what do you do? Break her heart AND run to Laurel. But then she is PREGNANT with your child!” My heart stops. Shit he is right, but Felicity said it was okay. “She told me to go! And the baby is NOT mine! Let’s go inside and I will explain.” He doesn’t move. I see the door behind him move. Lyla steps out. 

“Felicity said to let him in. He needs to get his stuff.” Lyla smiles weakly at me. I think she feels bad for me. John huffs but he moves to let me in. He and Lyla are still on the stoop arguing about things. I take this opportunity and run up the stairs. I am up there before John and Lyla realize it. I get in her room, shut the door and lock it. Hoping they won’t break it down and she lets me explain. I turn around and my heart stops. She is sitting up in the bed holding Andi. The only light is from outside. The moon and street lamps giving the room a strange and ethereal glow. She looks like an angel. My only thought is I want this, with her. 

She looks up, “Queen you shouldn’t be here.” Shit, we are back to me being Queen and not Oliver. I walk to the bed, head to the other side and sit down beside them. She smiles at Andi who is awake. We both just look at the perfect bundle of happiness in her arms. My chest tightens. I want the whole thing with Felicity. Love, marriage, babies. John knocks on the door. I look at the door and fear my chance to plead my case is over. 

“Queen, take Andi and give her to her daddy.” I stand and then she hands me the baby. I walk to the door and open it. John takes the baby. “Out!” He isn’t too loud since he is holding his newborn. Felicity clears her throat. “Let him stay. He wants to say something and risked his life to do it.” John looks to her and then me, but says to her,“You need to rest.” 

“I will. I need to do this first.” He leaves. I shut the door and lock it for good measure. “Say what you got to say Queen then--get out.” She’s never spoken to me like this before. I can tell she is angrier than she has ever been before or maybe hurt? “I thought you were okay with me going?” I hear the pain in my voice. The quiver of fear in it. 

“Queen, had I said stay or go was of no matter. You would have went. It’s Laurel. It’s ALWAYS going to be Laurel.” She looks down to her lap and sniffles, “It-it hurts but it’s not your fault. We can’t choose who we love.” She snorts, still adorable, and lifts her head and looks me in the eye, “If we could I definitely don’t think I’d choose you. Someone completely in love with someone else. I like to think I am smarter than that. Genius IQ and all...” 

Okay Oliver, I tell myself, Good News: she still loves you. Bad News: you screwed the pooch on this one buddy. I walk over and sit back down. This time at her feet. “Felicity if you said no, I wouldn’t have gone.” I hold up my hand to let her know I am not done. “I will do anything for you. ANYTHING.I am not trying to put the blame on you--you are my moral compass and have been since the day you learned about me. I thought going was the right thing to do...but you should’ve been my only concern. YOU and your health.” She just looks at me. I decide to bring up the other issue before she does, “The baby is not mine. She is only five weeks and we only slept together a few times and not in months.” She nods to let me know she heard me. “I don’t want her. I want you. I want there to be me with you, only you.” I decide not to tell her it’s Palmer’s and that means they were cheating on us together which is funny in a twisted way. 

She is thinking. I can tell. “I can’t trust you. Not an hour before you left me, to be with her, you swore you’d never leave me! I get that it wasn’t really leaving me but it felt like it. I trusted you and you left me...again. I know only long enough to check on her--but it still hurt.” She rolls her eyes, “And I’m the idiot who was starting to believe you!” I reach for her hand and she pulls it away. “I told you why I give people an exit--and you still left me.” I feel the tears welling up. This is much worse than I thought. “I never tell people that,ever. You were the first and probably the last.” She is pulling away from me, not slowly, not angrily..she is just resigned to us never being together more accurately me not being with her.

I barely whisper, “Felicity--please--  
just.one.more.chance?” 

I look to her and she is crying. I am now crying. I never cry but the thought of losing her forever is the worst thing I can think of happening. “Tell me what you’re thinking? Feeling?” The room is quiet, somber. I am feeling desperate. I’ve never felt so out of control and-and I NEED to make this okay. She sniffles, the long sniffle that means she is really crying. I notice the light is still off.

“You left the light off, why?” 

She whispers, “Yes. If I know them, they are all on the roof across the street watching us.” She is probably right. It’s what I would do if I were them. “You taught them that.” My head whips around, she knew? “Of course I know you do that...it always made me feel safe and that..maybe I was more than your Girl Wednesday or IT Girl...maybe you could love me.” 

“I DO LOVE you. I love you, I swear it.” I make eye contact with her. I want her to know how much I mean it. She looks away. Felicity rarely looks away from me, it’s one of the things I liked about her first. Most people are scared of me, intimidated or feel that I’m broken but not her. 

“I think, you think, you love me.” she pauses. 

I know I need to remain quiet and listen to her. I want to argue and make her understand. She needs to tell me what she thinks, but I am longing to defend myself. “I -- I saw something tonight...” I wait. She doesn’t continue for a couple of minutes. “Tonight I saw something I’ve never seen before, something maybe I didn’t allow myself to see.”

“What? What did you see?” I can’t imagine what she saw, what could make her this upset. I hear her gulp. I can feel the tension rising in the room. The wait isn’t that long but it’s excruciating. Even when I was being tortured it didn’t feel this bad, this life threatening. I wait for her words. 

“Tonight, when you left, when you went to Laurel, when you were with the press...” She trails off. She shivers and then the look on her face is sad, “I saw Ollie.” Oh god. I knew I put on my Ollie smile and played for the camera but I didn’t think it through..I fall to my knees and turn to the bed and put my head in her lap. I need her to comfort me, take back the words. She’s seen me kill, she’s seen me freeze out my mother, she’s seen me yell, scream and intimidate everyone and she’s seen me on my deathbed multiple times but I NEVER wanted her to see me as ‘Ollie’. Not really. Why did I do this? 

I am ashamed of the boy I was before the island. The things he did, the things he thought were okay. I was everything someone like her could never like let alone love. I’ve done far worse things than be ‘Ollie’ but that is the one thing there is no excuse for, no reasoning behind it. 

“I am not him anymore. I haven’t been him in a long time.” I say with a desperation, a need for validation from her that I am not him. I am still bent into her lap at an awkward angle but I don’t care. I need to be connected to her. I am like a child scared of the dark, because life without her will be lived in perpetual darkness. She takes pity on me, her good heart is always thinking of others. She starts playing with my hair, soothing me. 

“When you left me, I knew how Laurel must have felt all the times you left her bed for some other girl, maybe even for Sara.” She goes quiet but is still playing with my hair. Her voice isn’t mean just honest. “I always wondered how Laurel could take you back time and time again. As I laid here, waiting for you to return to me--from her side--it hit me, I felt pity for her and myself. You will always leave.” I cry harder and shake my head. “No, No I won’t.”

I look up and the street light and I notice it’s getting more towards daybreak, the extra light lets me make out her face better. She smiles the saddest smile I’ve ever seen, “Yes, you will. I’ve been lying to myself that you can be Oliver Queen and The Arrow andI can be the one by your side. I could see me helping with QC and your society obligations while balancing your Arrow needs.” 

“I see that too. My life with you, by my side.” I whisper into the room. I hope she hears. Then she smiles down at me. “I can’t be the girl you want. I’ve been lying to myself thinking Ollie was gone. He is a part of you and maybe that isn’t a bad thing” I start shaking my head, “NO! He isn’t.” It is a bad thing, a very bad thing. I don’t want that asshole anywhere near someone like her. I lift my head and then crawl into the bed, she moves over to the middle. I face her, “I am not him. Yes, I fall back into that mode with the press but I’m YOUR Oliver. I’m the city’s Arrow. I went because--I thought that is what a good guy and a good friend would do--”

She tilts her head to the side and blinks at me. I know she is thinking, calculating if I am telling the truth. I can never lie to her. I risk it, I put my forehead to hers, “I swear I only went because I want to be a good guy, a good friend. That baby is NOT mine. I will never talk to her again if you will just give me ONE more chance.” 

She kisses my cheek. “How can I trust you? We were building trust.” She looks around the room, I think she maybe trying to hide her tears. “But I guess that was here in this house, alone. When others come into the equation--I can’t trust you.” I am wracking my brain to figure out the right words, the right move. Then it comes to me, I can’t manipulate her, there is no ‘right move’ there is truth and love. 

“I love you. I suck at being in love because I’ve never really loved anyone I wasn’t blood related too. I am a selfish prick. I know this. I want to be the good man, the good friend and most of all the good, right man for you. I want to be the hero you see. I want to lead our team and be the Arrow. I just don’t know how!” I leave the bed. “I don’t know how and it makes me feel like less than a man to admit that, but I don’t know how.” 

I pace, something I learned from her. “I can shoot an arrow in someone, kill someone and even run a company, sort of. I just don’t know how to be a good, worthy man.” I head back to the bed. I sit facing her again. I grab her hand, “I KNOW I love you. I KNOW I’ve hurt you, but I want to make it up to you. I need your help. I need everyone’s help.” She is looking at me like she is seeing me for the first time. Her face is so full of love and fear. Her lips are slightly parted and she is so perfect, it hurts.

 

“Felicity, I am sorry for every time I hurt you, every time I’ve walked away.” I have nothing else to say. I can’t think of anything else. I’ve said what I needed to. 

I wait....

“The man who is allergic to apologizing keeps apologizing.”She giggles at her own joke. I laugh. One of us always breaks the tension. We lay down side by side but not touching, staring at the ceiling. I hear John come to the door, he knocks, “We’re taking the baby home.” He whispers. We listen to them leave. Still silent. 

 

She turns on her side towards me, “Okay Queen. You get one more chance.” I breath a sigh of relief and roll onto my side to face her she starts again, “I am scared too. I think you need to know that--I am scared. I don’t feel good enough for you. I’m not gorgeouslike Laurel. I’m not some badass like Sara. I’m not a leggy model type like Isabel...I babble, I’m awkward--I say the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time. I don’t fit in with your social crowd. I’m just a waitress’s kid from Vegas with an above average IQ.” 

“Thank god. Laurel and I are toxic, too much baggage and knowing how I feel for you, about you, I don’t think I ever loved Laurel.” I stop to let her think about what I said, she needs to absorb it. “Sara is a great teammate, we have too many of the same scars. And Isabel..ugh. You never banged my dad like she did, thank goodness! I meant it when I said it meant nothing. The only thing it did was hurt you.” Felicity looks stricken I wonder what I said but before I can ask she says, “Wait--not sleeping with your dad first is a prerequisite for us being together?” She looks scared and I am too. “Felicity stop playing you didn’t know my dad!” She laughs, “Had you going for a minute! I was in college, so you know...” I groan and roll onto my back. We are both laughing. 

I turn my head to look at her, “Felicity I have done things, had to do things to people that you may not approve of, that could change your mind about me..you aren’t getting the best deal here.”

She studies me in that way she does and I can tell she wants to say the right thing, “Oliver, everything you’ve done and went through makes you the man I love. Whether i approve or not, doesn’t matter. They made you the man I am here with right here, right now. I know we have issues to work on, but you are a GOOD man--” She makes this face where she wrinkles her nose and I know she’s about to call me out on my shit, “a good man who makes really, really stupid mistakes.”

We stay there like that, looking at each other. It’s one of those rare perfect moments where no one is calling, we have no where else to be and we can just be us, Felicity and Oliver. Our true complete selves. 

“Sun’s almost up.” I smile at her, “Yes it is. Very observant Ms. Smoak.” I never take my eyes off of her. “We still haven’t slept.” I nod and keep smiling at her, “Once again, observant.” She sticks her tongue out at me. I know we need to sleep, at least, she does. I roll onto my back and move towards her, she immediately moves closer and curls into my side. “You know, Queen, I could get used to this..” I chuckle at her. “I hate when you call me Queen.” She giggles into my chest, I close my eyes and wait for her response, “Good, it’s how you always will know you’re in trouble.” 

“Good point.” She is quiet. I almost think she is asleep but then I hear a tiny little voice, “Oliver?” I open my eyes to look down at her, “yes?” She is biting her thumbnail on her left hand, the one that was on my chest a moment ago. “What would you have done if you were the father?” 

She always is surprising me and confusing me. I think about her question. The old me would have ran, told Laurel to call my attorney’s for a support plan. “I would have helped Laurel, supported my child in every way I can, but I would still be with you.” I wait for her to say something, she doesn’t, “I wouldn’t have went to her or married her. Kids need happy, stable homes. Laurel and I wouldn’t be able to provide that, at least not together.” She’s stop biting her thumbnail. She is curling more into my side.   
“Felicity--would you have stayed with me?” I hear her gasp. I don’t think she thought I’d have questions for her. “I -I don’t know. It would be difficult for me, as a child raised without--actually abandoned by my father...to contribute to another child not having one would be difficult.” 

I never thought of that or how she would feel. I knew her father left her and it scarred her. I wouldn’t abandon my child. “I got a girl pregnant in college.” She sits up, “WHAT?” I didn’t expect that much of a reaction. I gently nudge her back down. I feel her heart racing. 

“Her name was Sandra. It was a one night stand.” I think back on that time. How scared I was and how confused. “She lost the baby. Never heard from her again. But I was willing to step up and be a dad. I didn’t know HOW to be one, but I wouldn’t have left.”

“Does Laurel know?”

“No.” I could never tell Laurel. I saw no reason to once the miscarriage happened. My heart broke for the loss of my child, but telling Laurel I cheated...again, and gotten the girl pregnant? Not a good idea. 

“I’ve never talked about it to anyone but my mother until you. There was never a reason.” I feel wetness on my chest. My first thought is her stitches but then I realize they’re tears. I put my index finger under her chin and tilt it up, “Why the tears?” 

“You were a good guy then...now you’re a good man. You were willing to step up. Maybe Ollie Queen wasn’t a complete jerk.” She moves up my body and gives me a gentle peck on the cheek. I smile. She’s back in my arms. “Oliver, thank you for telling me that. I feel like I know you a bit better now --and like--maybe you trust me a bit, too.”

“I’ve always trusted you. I just didn’t want to burden you with my mess of a life.” That is the truth. I know I can tell her anything but pride and fear keep me from telling her most things. “You’re never a burden.” 

Her breathing even out. I know she is asleep. I kiss her forehead and silently vow to make sure I do better. I need to tell her things and put her first. I squeeze her very gently then I allow sleep to overtake me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still with me?? I hope you are.


	11. Only One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver learns a bit about what happened while Felicity was with Slade. Felicity learns who is Laurel's baby daddy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the lovely comments, y'all are the best. Some comments made me think and others challenged my idea of where this story was going. I am now super nervous about posting this chapter because I decided (with great advice) to go with my gut and be true to my story. I hope y'all stay with me for this ride. I am also sorry for the delay..it was rough week for me, then the lack of confidence made me freeze up about posting. 
> 
> Fingers crossed that you like it and see more of where this is going.

I slowly, leisurely wake up from a deep sleep. I feel well rested which doesn’t occur often..well, not since the island. I remember I am in Felicity’s bed. I smile. Is there a better place to wake up? I don’t think there is. I open my eyes expecting to see my beautiful girl but her spot is empty. I reach my hand over to feel and it’s cold. Goldilocks hasn’t been sleeping in her bed for awhile. Then it hits me, she isn’t here...oh god. I jump up onto the bed and am standing there ready for any danger and scared what I may find and then I hear her, “Oliver, calm down. I’m right here.” There she is in front of the window, a huge window set in an alcove that so many townhouses have, curled up the best she can. 

I walk over and plop down in front of her. I smile up at her and she weakly returns it. “Are you in pain? Do you need some special aspirin?” She shakes her head no as she turns back to stare out the window. In a moment of pure selfishness; I am scared she has decided not to give me another chance. Then I remember that no one guilts Felicity Smoak and she never does anything SHE doesn’t want to do. I relax. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” I try to coax her into telling me what has brought on her melancholy. “I don’t really sleep anymore unless I am drugged out of my mind.” I know how that is, but why does she get like that. “Why?” She turns to look at me with her “really Oliver?” face that I get a lot. “I haven’t since it all happened. Digg says it’s PTSD and was surprised it took me this long to suffer from it.” She says this flippantly, like she was telling me the weather report. All I am hearing is she is mentally suffering! I can hear my blood pumping in my ears and i want to hit someone.

“Oliver! Calm down. It’s fine. I knew the risks.” She says this all so sweetly. It sounds like a caress which seems impossible but it isn’t. “Since what happened Felicity?” My jaw is clenched so tight it hurts but I don’t care it’s the only way to maintain my composure at the moment. She cocks her head and looks at me, I can tell there is a moment when she considers not telling me, but in the end she does, “Since Slade..since his men took me...since that s-s-sw-sword was held to my neck..” She touches her neck where he had rested his sword, “since I injected him with the cure.” she drops her hand as she finishes. 

I move on instinct. I don’t think, I only feel. I haven’t ran on my feelings and rarely acted on them since the island, but with Felicity everything is different. I am standing and have pulled her into my arms. I want to kiss her, make her forget that awful night. I wish again that I could go back and cure him myself, long before coming home. Long before I walked into the IT Department and met this girl who would change everything and long before I fell in love with her. 

I rock us side to side. “I am sorry.” She tries to pull away and I know to tell me some comforting words but this time...this time I am going to comfort her. Be the strong one, the loving one, the giving one. She deserves that and so much more. “No, listen to me. I AM sorry. I am sorry I didn’t cure him. I am sorry I couldn’t outthink him sooner. I am sorry that all of that happened. BUT I am also so fucking proud of you!” I feel her stiffen in my arms. I have shocked her. I explain myself to her.

“Felicity you faced him and his men. You stayed calm and you did what needed to be done and YOU won. I am so proud of you and in awe of you. I couldn’t have went in there with only the cure for protection. But you did. You are remarkable.” 

She is staring up at me with the biggest smile on her face, “Really?” I smile, “Yes. You face your fears and do the shit that needs to be done. I am also sorry that you are suffering and I want to help any way I can.” She nods and is still beaming up at me. She is so beautiful, I can’t help but smile so big my cheek hurts. 

I need to tell her something else. “There is one more thing. Something I should be sorry for but I’m not.” I am looking at her sternly, I know. I want her to know this is serious and that I am serious. She swallows, “ooookay.” 

“I am not sorry for dragging you into my life. I should be. I am an asshole because I’m not sorry. You changed me and the mission. Your light is what brought me back. Your smiles, your innuendos, your gorgeous smile and funny faces. You made me see there is good in this world. You saved me from myself and the darkness I feel most at home in.” I hug her to me tighter and let that knowledge wash over her. I can almost feel it happening as she tenses and relaxes. “You believed in the good in me. Thank you for saving me.” I hug her tighter. I feel her tears on my shirt. I know they are happy tears. I smile but this special moment needs to end. 

“Will you tell me about why you aren’t sleeping? About that night?” I realize we have never spoken about that night, not really, not with any depth. I know I am pushing her and she has never and would never push me for any of the details from my horror stories, my nightmares. Here I am doing the very thing that makes me cringe when people do this to me. Then I stop and think about it. I’m asking her because Felicity is still a warm and kind person who refuses to see just the bad things we see. She sees the good parts of the world too. I don’t want her to get lost in the darkness that is trying to envelop her.

I look and she is nervous. She keeps pushing her glasses up and biting her thumbnail. I pull her to her chair and sit, pulling her into my lap. She takes a breath and then puffs out the air. Then takes another deep breath and starts her tale.

“When you first left me, at the mansion that night, I thought this is a BAD plan and that you should stop letting ME make plans--they rarely go well--I’m smart and I know that but plans? Not a good idea.” She pauses. I’m guessing she is remembering that night. That awful horrible night when I was certain I would die and barely hopeful I could save her. I wanted to save the city too, but mostly HER.

“After my long talk with myself about ‘no more mission planning’--Which based on my current injury did absolutely no good--I-uh--um-” she sighs and looks at me and she is blushing, “Then I went to what I thought might be your room--to wait for him, or his men, whichever. I sat there and thought about--” she looks down to her lap then, my brave girl looks me straight in the eye, “I thought about what you said.” I smile and motion for her to continue with my hand that isn’t rubbing circles on her lower back. She looks bashful but she doesn’t look away but I am thinking I am in for one of her babbles. I noticed a long time ago that when she is starting a babble she becomes more animated and she gets this look in her eye. She knows it’s coming but can’t stop it shocked face look. 

“I thought about what you said--you know before you left and then asked if I ‘understand’. I said I did but I really didn’t. I mean I KNEW to use the cure when it was time but --but...the well, the unrehearsed part not so much..you went off script.” I love how she owns her feelings and while a bit shy she isn’t about to back down completely. She looks down and looks at me from beneath her lashes and damn, it’s sexy. I grin the same grin from the beach. I know it’s the same because it’s the same emotions bubbling up. 

“Felicity, you mean the part where I finally confess I’m in love with you?” 

She grins so big I am not sure she won’t break something. I call it her special aspirin grin because that was the first time I saw it. “Yeah that’s what I’m talking about--only at the time I had no idea what you meant. I was wondering was it for Slade or maybe Laurel..I thought maybe it was all to save her life and all--ugh. I hate that she makes me feel so inadequate.” Her tone is joking and sarcastic but I know she is hurting. I know her and I know she is hurt and trying to hide it. 

“You are anything BUT inadequate. You are the most amazing person I know. Felicity, I know I said time and time again that Laurel was ‘the one’ . I THOUGHT she was but I was wrong. I was wrong about so much and I am sorry you were thinking I didn’t mean it.” I am happy she sees the sincerity in my eyes and can hear it in my voice. I hope she can anyway. I think she does based on her smile. “You shouldn’t have had to cure him and I definitely should have made sure you knew I meant it.” I stop to collect my thoughts. Talking things out is not my strong point. Fighting and running are my thing. 

“Dying without ever saying those words to you, to the only woman I am positive I have ever loved was unbearable and unthinkable.” She nods her head and gives me a look that melts my heart. It is so full of love and hope. My heart is so full of love and strangely enough hope. Two things I haven’t felt in a long time. 

“I hoped you meant it and I decided that until we were all out of danger I’d pretend it was real. I could die knowing or thinking at least, that someone loved me. It oddly made it easier.” Her face drops at the look on my face, I know that is what did it. I am angry. In a very controlled voice I start to speak, “I hope you know I do care, I do love you and you NEVER again will not know that you are loved, if I can help it.” How can someone so full of love not feel loved?

 

We smile at each other. My mind wanders and I am inwardly cringing at her talk of her own death. I could not survive losing her. She continues, “Then they got to the house and found me. I refused to cry. I went with them. They were silent. The only time they spoke was to tell me to come with them and again to tell Slade they had ‘retrieved me’. Like I was a lost toy...hmmm...” she stops again and thinks for a moment, “I guess to Slade I was a toy or at least of no value, other than to hurt you--a pawn in his game.” She smiles at her cleverness. I do too, but only because I love to see her smile. This whole conversation is difficult for me. I think for a moment that I don’t want to hear this, but I need to hear her story. I have to know what she went through. I’m afraid of it coming between us if we don’t talk about it. 

“Are you sure you want to hear this, Oliver?” She knows me so well, she knows I am having second thoughts. That I worry about what will happen when I know this. I want to scream and tell her NO! I don’t want to know but I tell her to continue. 

“At first he looked me up and down. He walked around me in a circle like he was deciding my worth. It was so disheartening and degrading.I knew then that he didn’t care if her hurt me, my death would mean nothing to him nor did my life. He only cared to hurt you by any means necessary and I was a means.” This is breaking my heart. Slade was my friend. That Slade, my friend, my brother, my mentor, HE would have fought to protect someone as innocent as Felicity. He would have killed men who treated her the way he was treating her. The distorted monster he became was incapable of seeing how beautiful of a soul Felicity is and how pure of heart. That hurts almost as much as him wanting to hurt her. I’m also sad, sad that Felicity couldn’t meet my friend, only the monster who occupied his body. 

She begins to tell her story again, “He questioned me about how we met. What I was to you. At first, Laurel was there and would contradict what I said. It was like she wanted to die!” she rolls her eyes. I’m lost so I just nod, “I’d tell Slade I was your right hand, your girl wednesday. He’d ask how long we’d been screwing and Laurel would laugh and say ‘they aren’t’ and I’d have to double down to keep him from hurting her.” I nod, wait...keep him from hurting her? “Felicity did Slade hurt you? I thought he just held you?” She looks away. SHIT. “It wasn’t so bad. He smacked me a couple of times, manhandled me a bit. Nothing I couldn’t handle. He mostly talked about me--how I wasn’t your type, how my body lacked, how my attitude lacked, how I wasn’t strong like Laurel..” she stops and I can tell she is biting her tongue. 

“Say it.”

She fights the urge but loses quickly, “well, it really pissed me off! I am talking to him, not whimpering and crying or struggling. I thought I was being brave. All Laurel did was struggle and make things worse YET she is the brave one? UGH.” I love how animated she is when she gets upset. “He, Slade, he told me you were brave. That after getting to know you he could see what I saw in you.” She looks at me with a shocked expression, then a satisfied smile. Only Felicity would be happy to win the begrudged respect of a madman hellbent on killing her. 

“Not long after we got done talking, he called me Shado. He said I was a lot like her. He even contemplated killing Laurel and Sara, then taking me with him. Can I say that was, to me, worse than him killing me.” She shudders. It would have been a hell on earth for me. Knowing he had her, could hurt her and there was nothing I could do. 

“I would have died before I let him take you--I don’t want to think about you trapped with him.” I want to hit something, the mere thought of him taking her, hurting her is more than I can stand. I am lost in my own thoughts of him taking her until I hear her speaking, “He decided to kill me first. I told him ‘thank you’ for that decision. The thought of watching you watch Laurel and Sara die and most of all, the thought of watching you die...NOT something I could withstand.” I let it go. I know he would have killed her first to make me suffer. Her death wouldn’t have been nearly as quick as my mother’s. 

“Then he called you...He taunted that you might not come since you didn’t come when you found out about Laurel.” She stops, curls into my shoulder, I feel but don’t see her smile, “But I KNEW you would come. I know you will always find me, come for me and save me.” I feel like The Grinch at the end of that movie. My heart grows with every word she said. “You’re right. I will ALWAYS come for you.” I hug her to me. It’s time for the seriousness to end but first. 

“Felicity?” She hums. I assume that means I can talk. “There is something I need to tell you about Laurel..” She pulls away and I want to yank her back down to me and cuddle me. I see her quickly building walls, “Whoa there! It has NOTHING to do with me...but.” I don’t know how to tell her my news and I worry what her reaction will be and if I can handle it. 

“What Oliver?”

Time to man up and tell her, “I know who the father of her baby is and you may not like it.” She shrugs and curls back into me. “I don’t see how her baby’s paternity can have any ramifications to my life.” I wish that were true. I don’t want to be the one to do this but I know I owe this to her. “It may or it may not.” I pause. I am gathering my nerve and decide to just go for it.   
“Ray Palmer is the father. They’ve been sleeping together for awhile now.” She is in an upright position searching my face. She knows I am telling her the truth. She blinks a few times then tells me exactly how she feels, “Not gonna lie, that stings a bit but better him than you!” She laughs and is once again curled into my lap. She is tracing my tattoo with her finger. 

“You’re okay with this?” I am mildly shocked she is this okay with all of this.

 

“Yes. I don’t love Ray. I am offended he cheated on me, but if I’m honest--I cheated on him in my mind, my heart was never his. I can’t be mad he sought out someone else. I probably should feel worse about this.” She shrugs again. “I am just really, REALLY glad you are not the father. I don’t want our already complicated situation to be even more complicated.” 

I’ve always admired her honesty. She is being open and honest. I decide I should return it, “I am not upset she cheated on me. I am just relieved that I don’t need to figure out co-parenting with her, while building a life with you.” I hope she realizes she is my future. My priority. She moves and kisses my cheek. We are quiet and cuddling when all of us sudden she sits up and is laughing hysterically. I’m wondering if I need to call the men in little white coats. But then she decides to clue me in on what is so funny. 

“Come on, Oliver! Think about it--you told me you loved me--under weird circumstances. Then you go off with Laurel, the woman I presume is the love of your life...a highly overused term.” I nod in agreement with everything but a little leery of where this is going, “I start dating Ray in order to get over you, you know the old saying the best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one?” I don’t like thinking about here under anyone but me, I don’t like even thinking about him touching her at all. I sneer. She laughs, “Simmer down there.” She puts her forehead to mine, “the people we were basically using, had sex and are having a baby. It’s funny but sad...I hope they really care for one another or can at least be good to one another for the baby’s sake.” She turned serious and moves back to cuddling.

I am amazed that she can be this selfless. Laurel wanted me to pretend to be the dad. Ray just wanted Felicity. Yet, Felicity still wants the best for them and is worried about their baby. I hadn’t thought of how they would deal with things, I was just glad to be out of that mess. I hug her tight again. “I hope they love one another or even like would do. I hope they make a good life for them and their child.” I find that I mean it. I really do want the best for all of them. The fact that Ray is out of Felicity’s life is just a bonus...then I remember she still works for him. I’ll deal with that another day. 

“I’m not doing a good job taking care of you! I haven’t even fed you today.” I want to change the subject and it’s true I haven’t fed her. She needs to eat and walk a bit more today. 

“Can we go out? I know a cute bistro--and then--maybe we could go to the lair..you haven’t worked out in a couple of days. I miss everyone and my babies! Please?” I want to give her anything and everything she wants but, “Felicity, the press could be out there and they think I’m going to be a father.” She looks heartbroken. “I know, I just thought we shouldn’t let that stop us, but if you don’t want to--we can stay here.” She puts on a smile but it doesn’t reach her eyes. 

“I don’t care what people think. I just don’t want you hurt because of this mess.” I am proud of myself. Normally I would accept her giving me my way and not discuss my true feelings. However, with Felicity the old rules and the old way of doing things never has applied. “I want to protect you from the things they might say. I would tell every reporter I am in love with you, don’t think for a second this is about me not being proud to be your man.” 

She smiles and bites her bottom lip, “My man, huh?” I smirk and nod. “I kind of like that...my man.” We kiss. I want to deepen it but we are too close to a bed and she is still healing. Damn. I reign my lust back in. We both get dressed and head to the bistro. 

We arrive at the bistro and it impresses me. It’s small and quaint. The Hostess approaches us and hugs Felicity. I realize she is a regular here and they know her. She introduces me to Katherine, who along with her husband own and operate the place. Felicity tells me how the couple met in Paris where they both attended a prestigious cooking school. They fell in love, married and moved back home to open this place. 

We are seated and I notice people looking at us. I can tell they are gossiping about us. Felicity and I are holding hands across the table but I let hers go. She looks up at me questioning me with her eyes. I lean over the table, “They are talking about us. I don’t want to make a scene, I don’t want you to deal with that.” I look back down at my menu. 

I look up and she has tears in her eyes. “I am also proud to be yours, even if it does make me sound like chattel.” she snickers, “I am proud to be by your side and if these people don’t like it? Who the hell cares?” She said all of that with a flourish of her hand. I knows she means it. We hold hands until our food arrives. We eat and then we make our way to the lair. All the while, holding hands and smiling like two lovesick fools. 

We get to the lair and everyone is there. John and Sara are sparring on the mats. Sin is sitting at the makeshift dining table doing homework and Roy is doing target practice. They notice us and they all stop and stare at our joined hands. Sara is the first to break, she comes walking over and gently hugs Felicity, who notices Sara’s bags are packed. “Leaving so soon?” Sara smiles sadly, “Yeah.” Felicity looks like she may cry. 

“More dragons to slay, huh?” she is putting on a brave face but she doesn’t want Sara to go. “Someone’s gotta do it.” Felicity hugs her, “Do NOT leave this lair without saying good bye!” Sara nods. Felicity goes up on her tiptoes and kisses my cheek and goes to her babies. I watch her go and smile. Sara clears her throat and I reluctantly turn to her. 

“Dragons?” I inquire with a quirk of my eyebrow and a bit of amusement in my voice. She smiles at me, “That’s what Felicity calls my service. She thinks I’m one of the good guys and I let her.” I nod because I understand Sara wants desperately to be one of the good guys but I have no clue if she is or isn’t. I just know she is my friend and I owe her.   
“My sister isn’t going to let you go easily.” Sara states this bluntly. “I’m aware. But I’m also prepared to play dirty, Sara.” I feel Sara has a right to know that I will fight for what I want, and what I want is Felicity. “Good. You deserve this, Ollie.” I don’t know if she is right but I hope she is. “She’s my sister and I love her but she can be ruthless too.” I nod. I know how ruthless Laurel can be but I also know how badly I want this. 

Sara walks over to John and Roy. I can tell she is saying goodbye. She then moves over to Sin. They talk with their heads mere inches from one another. They may not be true sisters but they are sisters nonetheless. They hug and Sara moves on to Felicity. They talk for a few minutes and then she is gone, again. She’s never gone too long. I’m trying not to feel guilty anymore about Sara. I know I played a role in her becoming the Black Canary, but it’s not entirely my fault. It’s a work in progress. 

John and I spar for a couple of hours before he calls time. We go and get some water. I know our talk is coming. I’m waiting for it. As we finish up, I turn to leave but he puts his hand on my shoulder to stop me, “Oliver? We need to talk.” They say hearing that phrase from your lover is the worst, but it is closely followed by a man who with the right incentive could snap you half. I nod. We make our way outside. I wait for him to start.   
“Oliver. I love you like a brother. I also love Felicity like a sister. Incestuous feeling of gross for me aside, you need to treat her how she deserves.” He gives me a stern no nonsense look. “I know you want her, I know you love her and I’m happy for both of you.” I feel a big but coming- “BUT I can’t take another bout of knowing she is crying over you while putting on a brave face so none of us are mad at you.” I am letting his words wash over me. 

“What you’re saying is she keeps protecting me from your wrath?” 

He laughs, “Mine, Sara’s, Roy’s, Sin’s...even Lance was pissed off on her behalf and doubly pissed off you were with one of his daughters again.” Felicity was making sure I still had friends, still had a home. I think about that for a moment. I turn away from John to digest this most recent information. She told me earlier than she knows I will always come save her. I KNOW she will always save me from myself. Anyone who finds her weak doesn’t realize how much she does for me and how often SHE saves ME. 

“I get it John. I am trying my hardest to be worthy of her.” John is assessing me and my honesty. I’d never lie to him about her. “Oliver, man, I know it. I know you are struggling so here is what Sara proposed you and I do. I am your sponsor. How in AA there are sponsors, I am now yours. Not to keep you from Laurel, or with Felicity or vice versa but for you to run your idiotic ideas by.” I am taken aback by this information. Maybe I DO need a sponsor. I think I need someone to teach me, show me how to do this. Five years I was missing and in that time I lost a lot of my humanity and ability to know how to treat people. 

“I think that is brilliant. More like a reintegration into society sponsor?” I joke but I am actually dead serious. 

“Exactly.” He says with a twinkle in his eyes. “One more thing, you’re back here knock of that John shit. It’s Diggle or Digg to my friends, and you are my friend.” And with that he heads to his car and drives off with a quick nod of his head. 

I head back down to the lair, happier than I have been in quite awhile. I have my girl, my team and Digg back. I’m not where I once was but I am getting there. As I reach the bottom step I look over at Felicity’s babies. She isn’t there. I go looking for her and find her in my makeshift room. I also notice someone replaced my cot with a double bed. I look around and find a note from Sara. 

Ollie-  
We’ve both slept in some awful places so give up the cot! I replaced it with a bed for you. I hope you don’t screw up and get to stay at Felicity’s and in her bed. If not, maybe she can sleep over with you. If all that fails, at least your back won’t go. We need you in crime fighting shape. 

-Sara

I move and crawl into bed beside Felicity. I wrap myself around her. I hear Sin and Roy leave. They turn out the lights as they go. I am exhausted. We’d stayed up all night the night before, and just woke up a few hours ago but I soon fall asleep, with the knowledge I could sleep anywhere with her sleeping peacefully by my side.


	12. I knew that he was mine... So I gave him all the love that I had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ray and Oliver face off...for the first time. And Oliver ask Felicity an important question. (not that one)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has taken me so long to write this...I actually wrote it but proofing it etc had to wait as I got very, very sick. I am feeling better now and I hope this chapter makes sense! And I am half way done with the next chapter! So forgive me? 
> 
> Thank you all for sticking by me. For all your kind words and kudos. They mean more than you can ever know!!

I wake up when I feel her pull away. “What’s wrong?” She sniffles, “Nothing...Oliver why are we at the lair?” I smile. She is disoriented. I pull her back to me and kiss her forehead. “You talked me into bringing you here yesterday. You came back here and fell asleep.” She has her eyes closed and hums. “I guess we had our first sleepover at my place.” I laugh but she does not. “Why the face?” She looks sad. “I don’t like you living here. You should move in--I mean--I know it’s crowded at my place with Roy and Sin-- but we could make it work.” 

I want more than anything to live with her. To wake up to her every day, to go to sleep in the same place as her but even I know it’s too soon. “Felicity I would love to stay with you, but it’s too soon. I don’t want to push this and it blow up.” She contemplates what I say. “You’re right I guess...but if you change your mind just tell me.” I promise her I will tell her. 

“It’s my last day off...Ray expects me tomorrow.” She is sad when she says it. 

“I wish you would quit.” I really do. I don’t see what her working there now can accomplish. “I don’t think Ray is going to tell you anything..and when I go to make my move I don’t want you accused of insider trading or something.” She is deep in thought. She keeps biting her lips and quirking her eyebrow. “You’re probably right and now that we know he has been seeing Laurel while she is supposedly helping YOU...me being there serves no purpose aside from, you know, paying my bills.” 

“I am certain you can find another job. You’re talented, smart and dedicated.” Reassuring her or anyone is odd for me. It’s another moment when I am aware that I was a very selfish bastard before. I wish I knew how to do this. “Enough about me--I’ll think of something to pay my bills. What did you and Digg talk about yesterday?”

She forgets I brought her here but she still remembers Digg and I leaving to talk. of course she does. “He wanted to tell me not to hurt you.” I am going to let it drop but then I remember this whole honest, commitment to her I am doing. I sigh, “He wanted to make sure there were no more incidents of me hurting you, you pretending it’s okay. Which. Felicity, don’t protect me from their wrath. If I fuck up I should pay the price especially if it involves hurting you.” I gently brush my lips over hers. 

“I can’t help it. I know you and I don’t think you realize you hurt me sometimes and I definitely don’t want them angry or making things worse.”

I consider what she is saying and I understand her perspective. I wouldn’t want to make things worse either but I need all the help I can get. “I get wanting to have a private life. The team is our family so they will know things. We can’t be insular about everything.”

“You’re right but we do need private things too.” She is pouting. I know she will always get her way when she pouts because it is too adorable. Then again, she gets her way when she is angry because it’s sexy. And she gets her way when she’s upset because I want to make her happy...and she gets her way when she is happy because it makes the world brighter...damn, she is always going to get her way. I’m whipped....and I like it. Obviously, Felicity will always get her way because I love her...except when it comes to her safety...probably. 

“We do have private things. There is no way I’m telling anyone about our truth or dare games or about your sleep issues unless it puts you in danger.” she smiles. We lay back down and cuddle. “What do you want to do today?”

She thinks about it. “Something fun. After I go see Ray and give him my resignation. I have to give him two weeks notice.” I growl. I don’t want her ever going back in there until I am in charge again. IF I am in charge again. “Oliver, I have to go back. I owe it to the company and to Ray. He was good to me...at first.” I roll my eyes, “He was nice to get you. Then he cheated.”

“Glass houses, buddy!” She says it in a teasing tone but I know she means it, not to hurt me but because she always calls me out on my bullshit. I laugh. She is right. I have no room to judge. “I need to get back to my place so I can change and go see him. Maybe he won’t want me to stay. He might be thankful to be rid of me.” She moves to the bathroom. I know he won’t want to be rid of her. I saw the look in his eyes. He may have cheated with Laurel but he is in love with Felicity. 

“Ready!” I look up and she has washed her face and is ready to go. I move out of the bed with a sense of foreboding. I want to pull her back into the bed, change the security code and never leave. Instead I move to put my clothes on. Once done, I grab her hand and we head to her place. After we park the car a block away we head towards her place. As we approach, I see Ray sitting on her stoop. I stop and she does too and looks up at me. 

I nod toward her “Palmer is here.” She looks towards her place then back to me, “I can do this by myself if you want.” I shake my head. I lock my jaw and grab her hand again and we walk up to him. He is sitting on the top step and is reading a spreadsheet. His briefcase at his feet. His driver is sitting in the car across the street. He must sense us, he looks up at her and smiles. His smiles quickly fades when he sees our hands. He looks up at me and I see pure hate. “Miss Smoak. I see you’re doing better.” He smiles. He is trying to charm her. 

“Queen.” He tries to keep his smile in place but it’s more of a leer. “Palmer. How is Laurel?” His face falls but he quickly recovers, “How would I know? She is your girlfriend, not mine.” Felicity squeezes my hand. I ignore it. I know she is warning me, of what I have no idea. “EX. She is my EX girlfriend.” He smirks, “Of course she is. You’ve moved on to Miss Smoak.” I tilt my head and look at him. It’s a move I learned from Felciity, “I am with Felicity, yes. Laurel and I were a mistake.” 

“I see. Will Miss Smoak be another mistake?” I move to hit him but she doesn’t let go of my hand and puts her other hand on my upper arm. “Oliver, no. He isn’t worth it. Just let it go.” She says it calmly, sweetly and it does what she intended, I am calm. He looks to her. “Is that how you speak to your boss.” 

She steps between us, I am not happy about it. I know she is strong and does have me for back up (back up she won’t need). “That Mr. Palmer is how I speak to my former boss, my ex boyfriend who impregnated another woman--WHILE questioning MY morals and integrity!” I beam with pride. Felicity is unstoppable. 

He swallows, looks away and then bends down to get his briefcase, “I accept your resignation. Immediately. As for this accusation about me and Laurel, I thought you better than that.” He starts to cross the street but she moves in front of him, “I never said it was Laurel.” She gives him, her gotcha smile. I smile bigger. Suck it, Palmer. My girl just bested you. 

“You are the father. You did cheat.” She looks sad for a moment. “I-I-I don’t know what you are talking about.” He is squirming and I can tell. “You do, Ray.” She says that sadly. It’s then I look and she is hurt. She did care about him. He looks away again then back down at her, “I’m sorry...I don’t know why I did it, it didn’t mean anything.” Her head whips up.

“It meant EVERYTHING to me. I know I wasn’t the best girlfriend but I still cared. I was faithful. I-I at least thought we were friends! Friends don’t do that to one another.” She stops. Then starts again, “YOU questioned my integrity! My moral fiber and you were cheating with another man’s girlfriend.” I smile at him. Yeah, I’m a dick. I watch something cross her features and her next words gut me, "I will always be second best to gorgeous, perfect Laurel..." She didn't say it to be rude or for reassurance, she said it because down deep she truly believes it. I don't have to time to react to her.

He is pissed. I see it i his eyes, “YOU TWO are going to judge me? What you two did to Laurel and myself is disgusting! I love you Felicity! I bought his company to get to you! To have you! I would have given it to you. All I wanted was for you to love me but did you? NO! It was him. Always him! I saw it in your eyes, your smiles. The moment when you’d stiffen when I’d kiss you. The fact you’re an ice princess and would never make love. Do you think he will stay once he gets that you don’t put out?” And she lets me go to press her arms around herself and I use the opportunity to start pounding him. She is a confident woman but she also has her weak spots and Ray Palmer is hitting them all.

I have him on the ground and am not stopping. I am just hitting without any regard for where or how hard. I don’t care, I want him to hurt him, I want to feel pain for hurting him. I feel Felicity grab my arm and then someone else grab her away from me. I stop and look around, searching for my next victim. It’s Palmer’s driver and I move to him and he drops his arms from around her. The driver throws his arms up to show he isn’t harming her, “I was keeping her out of harm’s way, Sir. I like Miss Felicity.” He’s a kid and he was protecting her. Palmer and his driver leave. I wrap her in my arms. I am trying to calm down and her in my arms does it. 

“I’m sorry.” I whisper into her ear. She hugs me harder. “Oliver it isn’t your fault. You were defending me. It was actually hot. Really hot.” Well, who knew Felicity found barbarianism hot. I will file that away for later. I'd prepared myself to defend my actions when she would lecture me on controlling my temper or how she isn't worth it. That last one still pisses me off and reminds me of her wanting me to let The Count harm or kill her to keep my vow to not kill. Like that'd happen. 

“Really? That was hot?” I can’t help the smirk that breaks into a grin. She smacks my side, “Let it go, Queen.” She uses that term but she is smiling. She starts to make her way up the stairs and I follow. “Felicity I’d like to discuss this idea that my defending you is hot..I have saved you a few times in the past so the question begs to be asked...was it hot?” 

We make our way inside and I shut the door behind us. She is moving towards the steps. “You didn’t answer my question.” I say this in an almost singsong voice. I am teasing her but when she turns around, I gulp. She walks over to me and looks me up and down, then smiles the most innocent and devilish smile. 

“When you busted through that door at the underground casino?” she whispers and I have to bend down to hear her. I nod. “I needed new panties.” She pants out. "I would have anyways had I been wearing any.." I gulp again and feel my blood moving south of the border. She went in there pantyless. She steps back. Bites her lip and then comes back to whisper, “The Merlyn building, those very platonic circumstances? That rope swing filled my fantasy life for WEEKS." She giggles. She turns on her heel and goes upstairs. I need a shower. A very, very cold shower. I go to the kitchen instead because Felicity is washing up, something I should not be thinking about right now. And she is still recovering and I am NOT going to move things along too fast. I won't do that...Ollie would have fucked her already but I'm not him anymore and she is definitely not the one and done type. Not to me, not ever.

I drink my water and think back to the two incidents she described. Before I know it she is standing in front of me. Her hair is hanging loose and wet. That seems perverted to think. She is in shorts and a huge t shirt. “Bathroom’s all yours.” She moves around me to the fridge and pulls out some juice. I start to head out, “Hey Oliver?” I turn to see her fidgeting which is a Felicity thing but I don’t know why she would be doing so now. 

“Yes?” I smile at her. I find myself always smiling at her. She looks to me then away. I sigh, not out of annoyance but because with her, I can breathe. I can relax. She is, we are home. 

“Did you--have I--” She stops and takes a breath, “Have you ever really wanted me? I mean, I told you when I found you hot...of course I found you hot the first time I laid on eyes on you. Which FYI was not in my office. That day I couldn’t believe YOU would talk to ME...and you were so YOU....and I was so ...me. That jaw, that smile..what girl wouldn’t be a hot mess trying to talk to you.” She stops realizing she said way more than she meant to say.

I move over to where she is standing leaning up against the counter by the sink. I put an arm on each side of her and lean down so we are eye to eye. 

“The moment you turned around that day?” She nods and I continue, “those big bright pink lips? I wanted to kiss them more than I wanted my next breath. I want them other places too...” she blushes. I take that as a good sign. I lean in and rub my face in her hair, I just need to be connected to her, I kiss her nose, " I’d have given my left nut to have been that pen in your mouth..” I lean in and kiss her. Not hard but not soft. It was a promise that some day a kiss wouldn’t just be a kiss. I pull back. She is dazed and I am proud. I love the effect I have on her. It makes us even because she steals my breath all the damn time. 

“The night my mother shot me and you took me to Digg?” She nods again, “when I opened my eyes and saw you, and you hadn’t left, and you weren’t scared of me? HOT.” She gulps and her eyes keep going from my mouth to my eyes. I kiss her again. I once saw kissing as a waste of time before getting to the good stuff. Kissing her? I could do it forever. 

“The time I needed the longest cold shower of my life was the night of the Dodger mission. That gold dress has starred in many of my one man shows, if you know what I mean...so yes, Felicity I have wanted you. I have craved you. I only denied myself because I KNOW I'm not good enough for you. I never will be but you don't seem to care." I gather every last drop of willpower and leave her there. I am glad I told her just a few of the times I had to use every ounce of self control not to throw her over my shoulder and find the nearest flat surface but she deserves better than that. I make my way to another cold shower. 

After my shower I return downstairs to find her curled up on her couch with her tablet or one of her many, many tablets. "what are you working on?" I inquire as I sit at the oposite end and pull her feet into my lap. "my resume since I quit or maybe was fired from my current position at QC." I nod and start to rub her feet. I'm not sure why I am rubbing her feet but it seems like a nice thing to do and I am getting to touch her..I hope I'm not deveoping a foot fetish. As I rub her feet, I start thinking, "Too bad you can''t hack into Isabel's accounts or Slade's. That would solve all our money woes." I laugh. Then I notice she is not.

She is smiing and has moved onto her kees on the couch and then falls into my lap. She throws her arms around my shoulders, "You Olliver Queen are a genius!" I am not one to argue with a true genius however she has to be joking, "Are you trying to tell me you never thought of hacking your way into funds?" She smiles sweetly and nods, "Of course I had but...you were already not speaking to me and there have been times you have been less than accepting of my 'hobby' so I didn't want to make things worse between us--I mean--they were pretty bad, we weren't talking. you weren't coming around..why push?" I hug her tighter.

"I am sorry I walked out like that and I can't get that time back but I won't do that again" I know i've apologized already but I don't think i will ever stop apologizing because I don't think I will ever stop feeling bad about what I did, to her, to us, and to the team. She scoots off my lap and runs upstairs I follow. I find her in her closet. She has yet another tablet. She is furiously typing away on it. I think she could give Barry Allen a run for his money in the typing department. After a couple of more minutes she stops and looks up at me, "Done." 

"I am putting the money in off shore accounts in Aruba and Switzerland in your name since it is Queen money. I will send all the information to your phone and you can access the money, at will. I hope this helps get QC back for you sooner rather than later since my efforts were fruitless." She makes a pouty face. I know she is upset that she couldn't do more for me, " Felicity you went above and beyond what anyone should expect of you." she is now standing beside me. "I guess now that you are rolling in the big money or well...Isabel's money which I think she hid some and I will find it..or your family's money...whatever..you can take me to dinner." I smile at her. She still hates Isabel and she will not let Isabel take any of my family's money even in death. 

"Felicity?' she had turned to leave her room. She whips back around her ponytail nearly hitting her face, "Yes?" I walk over to her, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me?" she looks confused, "umm...isn't that what we just discussd?" I smile and nod, "Yes. But I am asking you out on a real date. One where i ask you first. One where you get all...whatever it is you women do and I pick you up." She blushes. 

"A really real date? You and me? In public?" I keep smiling and she keeps babbling. I see my entire future playing out just like this and I couldn't be happier. "Are you sure Oliver? I mean, I know you've said you love me and we have both implied we are a couple but this is a big move.." 

"Felicity I want the entire city to know you are my girl. My GIRL girl." I say reminding her of the talk we had the night she took a bullet for Sara. She smiles. "I want them to see you on my arm and be jealous and wonder how the hell I got you to agree to be seen in public with me."

"Okay. What time?" YES! she agreed. I had hopes she would and most of me felt she would but there was still a nagging part of me that worried she would turn me down. "7 tonight. I will pick you up here and we will go to Table Salt. Don't worry, I will make the reservation...there is this ingenius thing called the internet." WE both laugh remembering her speech to me. We had downstairs and I leave. She has woman things to do and I need a new tie, a car, and to run this by Diggle....I mean, John. 

I make my way to John's all the while I may or may not have had a dopey smile and my face and nodded or said "hi" to everyone I made eye contact with on the way. I made my way up to his place. I gently knocked. He answered the door with one hand and Andi was on his shoulder supported by his other. He smiled at me. He was dirty but happy. He motioned me. I sat on the couch and he took the rocking chair and started rocking Andi. I envied John this llife. "What's up man? What's with the grin?" Leave it to Diggle to cut to the chase.

"I asked her out. On a real date. She sad yes." I feel like a kid who just won a spelling bee or somethng. I am waiting for my proud parent to smile and pat me on the back. He smiles. "Good job. If we are talking about Felciity.." I scrunch my face up. "Yes Digg we are talking about Felicity."

He looks at Andi, "Look baby girl, Uncle Oliver finally grew a pair and asked Auntie Felicity out! Arent we proud?" He smiles at her and she keeps staring up at him. I think of threatening to tell Lyla what he said but I don't need him to kick my ass before my date. "Very funny Digg. She got me my money back or at least some of it..." I trail off. I haven't asked anyone for anything rin a very long time. "But.." This is harder than I thought. 

"Yes, son you may borrow the car but no hanky panky in it." he laughs at his mocking of me. "Thanks Diggle. I just need it for tonight then I can get my own. I'd take her on the bike but I don't think she'd go." He barks out laughter that startles Andi but then she closes her eyes. "You don't need the sex talk do you?" I roll my eyes, "No DAD I think I go that part down."

"Uh Oliver not to burst your bubble but it should go UP not down..." I would punch him but he has Andi in his arms and he coud probably choke me out if he wanted. He tells me where the keys are and I grab them and go. Next I get a new tie easily enough. Then back to the lair. I text Sara:

Asked her out on a real date. She said yes. Thank you for kicking my ass, for dumping me and telling me she was the girl for me! You're the best.

No matter what hell Sara and I have gone through, we are friends. She is one of my best friends without her I wouldn't be here today. Without her, I would have let Felicity slip through my fingers. I work out. Then shower (again) before it's time to get my girl. I wasn't this nervous for my first date. As I tie my tie and check myself in the mirror, I wish Tommy was here. He'd get a kick out of watching me moon over Felicity. Time to get my girl.


	13. In the car I just can't wait To pick you up on our very first date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The date!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this chapter almost done so here it is! I love parts of this chapter so much. I hope you do too. 
> 
> Thanks for your continued support!! It means so much to me. I am feeling much better so with a little luck and some free time..I should be posting more often.

I arrive on her doorstep promptly at 6:30, giving us time to get to the restaurant before our reservation. I picked up flowers for her on my way. I knew most guys get roses but that seems to unoriginal for her. I get a wildflower mix bouquet for her. She is like a wild flower. I smile and ring her bell. I expect her to answer, however I am greeted by Captain Lance, "Queen. I hoped we were never doing this again." I am shocked to see him. He does know I am here for Felicity..at her place,right? I grit my teeth and speak, "Sir?" He laughs at me. "She will be down in a few." 

He goes into her living room and I numbly follow. We sit. It's quite uncomfortable, "Sara asked me to come over here and give you shit. You know since Felicity doesn't have a dad to do it....and any chance to make you feel like shit is something I can't turn down." Sara, of course. I take back the best friend comment. Before I can get too lost in my own head Sin and Roy appear. 

" Felicity will be down in a second." Sin smiles at me. Roy glares, "you break her heart, again? I will break you apart piece by piece." I know he means it. Mirakuru or not he will do his best to kill me. Captain Lance smiles at the kid. "Roy! What happens between Oliver and me is our business. Not for public consumption or debate." The kid and Lance had the good sense to look ashamed and look away mumbling apologizes. I am glad she has people willing to kick my ass for her. I'm sure Diggle, Sara and even Nyssa would gladly help. I smile at my girl. She is breathtaking. 

She's wearing a sexy tent dress in pale green. I only know that term due to being an excellent big brother of a fashionista. She looks great in green. It makes me feel even more terroritorial towards her. I kiss her cheek and hand her the flowers. Her face beams. She sniffs them, "I'll put these in water and we can head out." I look around at the doubters and give them my best shit eating grin. Yep, I did good. 

We head to the car she sighs, "oh thank goodness! I thought we'd be on your bike...which is fine and all but...short dress, nice hair?" She shakes her head. I open the door for her and she slides in. "John let you borrow it?" I start the car and turn to her, "nah, I stole it." I deadpan. She gasps, then gets the joke. We both laugh. I was nervous things would be strained or weird between us but they are not. 

We get to the restaurant. We walk to the maître d stand, I give him my name and he barely hides his shock and stares at Felicity. I pray he doesn't ask about Laurel. I can tell from the look he thinks I'm cheating but he doesn't say a thing. I look into the dining area and see most of the patrons are looking at us. She notices too. She lifts her head and wraps her arm around my bicep and we stride to our table. If they think they can intimidate her they are sadly mistaken. I glare at the host and pull out her chair myself as he scurries away; he hands us our menus. I order wine and we open our menus.

The wine steward brings over the wine for my approval and I give it. We both sip. It is divine. I hear her purr which is sexy as hell. The server returns to take our order. I have steak and she orders salmon. She looks around, I see her notice the glares but she lets it go. I want to apologize yet I don't because while I am sorry some people are rude; I am happy to have her here with me.

I start trying to think of something to cut the tension but she, as always, saves me, " I'm sorry about Captain Lance. Sara thought it's be funny...bit it probably wasn't funny for you." She sips her wine. I think that is what Sara told you but Sara was letting me know Felicity has back up and I can't run far enough or fast enough if I fuck up again. I choose to keep that to myself. 

"It was not fun but I've survived worse." She nods,tilts her glass towards me in acknowledgement and sips more wine. "John was more difficult. He even brought Andi into it! Telling her I finally grew a pair. Then offered the sex talk." 

"John knows your history!" More giggles, "if one of us would need the sex talk it'd probably be me. Not mr. Manwhore extraordinaire...I mean, I don't need it, either...I'm not a virgin exactly...but well, you did hear Ray...I am also soooo not In your league and what if...I need to shut up now." She looks away. I reach across the table and take her hand in mine, "I did hear EVERYTHING he said. You are not an ice princess. You are warm, affectionate and an amazing kisser!" I smile at her before finishing, "and I've kissed a LOT of women, as you brought up , I know an amazing kisser when I kiss one." I can see the tension leave her body, for once, my past experience works in my favor. She is also blushing. I make it my mission in life to make her blush at least once a day forever.

"As for levels of experience, I may have had sex with many different women but..." I pause for effect and for me to gather my thoughts to say this right, I look her in the eyes because she deserves to know this and to see the raw emotion behind it. 

"I've never made love. I cared for some of them and some of them not at all. I don't think I ever truly loved any of them. It was other emotions..with Laurel it was that my parents adored her and they wanted me to be with her. She was perfect and that was intimidating. Sara was acting out when we went on the gambit." I stop to chug some wine. It was not the classiest move but it beats ordering a shot. "Then when we got together..." I look away unsure if I have the courage. I decide I do.

"That time was about putting up a wall between us." I motion between us. "I knew I was in love with you in Russia." She gasps but let's me continue." I knew it and I knew I wasn't strong enough to keep denying myself the person I wanted most--the only person I want forever." I stop to gauge her reaction. She gulps her wine. I smile. We are quite the pair. 

"I knew if I slept with Sara, if she and I were a couple, you'd move on. I wanted that but didn't at the same time." She looks at me confused. I wait. I know her, she will ask her question. "Oliver." She says breathlessly before stopping then starting, "I tried to move on. Barry? You freaked. You we're mean to him and gave me a hard time." 

I know I did all that. "Yeah. I wanted you to move on but when you did it nearly broke me. I came to terms with the fact you are stronger than I will ever be. You could love me, want me and still move on. For your sake and mine." I look around us wanting to escape this emotional turmoil but knowing we had to get through it. "I used Sara and she was okay with it...she wrongly thought I had saved myself and I could save her. Then she saw that YOU saved me. She let me go." I finish barely above a whisper.

I look over at her and she is tearing up. She hasn't allowed the tears to fall but they are there threatening to go. I know without question she knows I'm telling her the truth. "Felicity my body had returned from that island but YOU brought my heart back to life and returned my soul, my humanity to me." I want to cry. Not out of sadness but the overwhelming love I feel for her, the intimacy we share and the foundation of friendship. The woman across from me is everything I never knew I wanted. Instead I give her my smile, the one that is just for her. She returns it.

Our food arrives. We dig in. Making small talk about our food, our friends and even our future. I see a shadow cross her face and I look up to find Mr. Kennedy, an old friend of my parents. I stand and shake his hand, "sir, it's good to see you." He looks over to Felicity who is watching our exchange with curiousity. I move behind her chair, "this is my girlfriend, Felicity Smoak." I look down at her and I know pride is clearly visible on my face. He reaches for her hand and in a move only men of a certain age can pull off and not look sleazy he kisses her hand. He smiles, "you're quite lovely Miss Smoak." He charms her, she smiles. "Much to good for Oliver here. Now, you're much too young for me but I have a grandson..." He barks with laughter while she blushes. He is a flirt. An accurate flirt. I step in, “She’s taken.” I tell him bluntly and maybe slightly threatening. He nods, “Will you two join my wife and I for dessert?” I accept without looking to her for her approval because that family is the epitome of old money and prestige. Him asking us to have dessert with him will show the rest of the city that Felicity and I are real. I don’t care what they think of me, but I want her to get the respect that I unknowingly took from her back. 

We rise and head to his table. We follow him and as we move I take her hand in mine and kiss it. She smiles then leans in, “Are you sure about this?” I just nod. I will explain everything to her later. For now, I am just happy to have made it through dinner without upsetting her. We arrive to his table in the best section of the restaurant. I pull out Felicity’s chair and make sure she is situated then go to Mrs. Kennedy to greet her. She is kind and generous woman in her mid sixties. 

“Oliver Queen! How lovely to see you!” She is friendly and it is completely genuine. I think that is why I always liked their family. Tommy and I never pulled any pranks on them because of their kind nature. I sit next to Felicity and across from Mrs. Kennedy at our small round table. “Thank you. May I introduce my girlfriend, Felicity Smoak?” I put my arm on the back of her chair. “Felicity, this is Mrs. Kennedy. The woman in charge of keeping him in line.” I nod toward Mr. Kennedy. They both laugh. Felicity joins in, “That seems like quite a job!” I can tell Mrs. Kennedy is intrigued by her. 

“It is dear. Tell me, how do you manage to keep Oliver in line?” Felicity blushes and looks in her lap before raising her head and replying, “He is well aware of my computer talents and he rather not end up in Gitmo..” First the Kennedy’s were shocked then they both laughed. “Ollie. I like this girl. She is a keeper!” The older lady tells him. 

“Trust me, ma’am. I know. She won’t be getting rid of me any time soon.” She looks at me with intense interest. Then I see tears in her eyes, “You are in love with her? I can see it. She’s not just another girl falling for your charms!” I can tell she is happy for me. “Your mom would be so pleased!” Felicity snorts. Then realizes what she did, “Oh sorry.”

“Ooh...Did you and Moira meet?” Felicity looks to me. I am about to take pity on her and make up some story. I think she realizes my plan and knows my stories suck. “Yes. We had...words.” I think we were both hoping that would satisfy their curiosity. We were wrong. “And?” 

She takes a deep breath, “I found information about her that could hurt Oliver. I went to her to give her the opportunity to tell him herself. She didn’t. I did.” she looks the older woman in the eye, owning her choice, “In the end, I told Oliver. I don’t keep secrets from him. Ever.”

I watch the older couple. First they are both shocked. Then he laughs. “Oh Robert would have LOVED this girl!” Don’t I know it. After learning about Isabel, I am convinced he would have given me a run for my money for this girl. His wife takes Felicity hand, “Even if Moira was a hard ass, I knew her well; she was impressed. She’d approve of any woman who would have her son’s back. You passed her test.” She nods. I never thought about it like that. Mom may have not wanted me to know about Thea, but Felicity telling me would have shown Mom that it wasn’t about the money or the name but about me. 

“Thank you! You’re right. Mom maybe didn’t want to be the one to tell me...and maybe it was a test.” I turn to Felicity, “I think she is right. Mom would have done that and she probably died respecting you and knowing I wasn’t alone.” I tear up. My mother was a tough lady who respected other tough women. Strong women. Women who protected those she loves fiercely and all of those things describe Felicity. 

The rest of dessert was filled with lively conversation. I excused myself to get our bill. As I reached the host stand, Mr Kennedy came up behind me. “I already paid your bill, son.”

“You didn’t need to do that, Sir. I am getting back on my feet.” It was generous of him but I can take care of myself and her. “I Know it wasn’t but I wanted to show my support for you and that girl. Oliver, I know I’m not your father but I want you to know that I see the change in you. I see that girl brings out the best of you. Don’t lose her.” We had back to the table. 

“Darling, did you know tonight is their first date! We hijacked their first date.” She looks amused and not that sorry about it. “I wish I could apologize Oliver. I am not sorry this girl is brilliant! I was telling her about my problem with the charity I run and she completely solved my problem.” I can tell she is impressed and delighted. 

“It isn’t a big deal. I just informed her I could build her a new webpage, create a better program for tracking donations and donors...it’s not that big of a deal. Another program for the events themselves and a third to cross reference.” She shrugs completely unaware that most of the words she said had no meaning to Mrs. Kennedy. 

“Miss Smoak, I would love to hire you. At least until Ollie here gets his company back.” The woman smiles at Felicity. “Are you sure? I am looking for something but--I can do this for you without you hiring me.”

Mr. Kennedy interrupts, “Dear, never give away for free what is worth a fortune to someone else. My golden rule of business.” He’s right. She should be paid. “In that case, I’d love a position in your company--until Oliver gets QC back. My first loyalty is to him.” We all smile at her. She is a rare gem. Mr. Kennedy breaks the spell, “About that Oliver. I’d like to see you in my office 9 a.m tomorrow morning. Let’s see what I can do to help you get that carpetbagger out of your company.”

I am floored. I tell him I will be there. We all leave the restaurant and head our separate ways. I decide to take Felicity for ice cream to celebrate, even though we just had dessert with the Kennedy’s. “Thanks for the mint chip. I need it process.” 

“Why?” I don’t understand. Everything seems to be going our way for a change. “Tonight we had our first date. The type of the social ladder asked us for dessert. They were kind to me and then offered me a job AND to help you! It’s a bit overwhelming.”

 

“Yeah. I’m just glad it’s good stuff for a change and no one wanting to kill us. It’s a nice change.”

She laughs, “I wouldn’t say that no one wants to kill us...Ray might. Laurel definitely wants me dead. I’m sure Slade is still plotting both of our deaths...” I laugh. I love that she can always find humor in any situation. I think had she been on the Gambit with me, she would have found a way to turn that hellish island into Gilligan’s Island. 

“You’re right, as always. I guess it’s nice for someone to be on my side. someone besides you and Digg.” 

“They adore you Oliver. It was clear to see. And for the record, I am ALWAYS on your side even when I’m busy telling you your side is wrong.” I know that. I think that is what first attracted me to her, aside from her looks. I am honest, I am a man and I am a man who loves women and notices them. “I know that even when I don’t want you tell me I’m wrong, I trust that you do it for my own good. It is also what drew me to you.” I take a bite of my ice cream before telling her, “Going back to our earlier discussion, it’s a turn on when you stand up to me. That day you locked me in the Foundry to make me listen? I was really turned on. So much so that I was worried my leathers would let you and Diggle know just how turned on.” I laugh at myself. I wanted to intimidate her that day but instead she stands up to me then walks out. Damn, it was hot. I ponder briefly whether it’s wrong to be so turned on by someone basically calling you an asshole. 

We head to the car. It’s time to take her home. I don’t want to leave her. Aside from her getting ready we haven’t been apart in days and it has been the best few days of my life. I park the car up the street from her place. I go around to open her door and help her out. We start the short walk to her house. We arrive too quickly. I don’t want to let her go. I also don ‘t wan to push her. She is still recuperating. If i’m honest with myself we aren’t ready for sex. I want to be ready and my body is calling my brain a liar but we aren’t there. 

She unlocks her door and heads in. I start to turn and leave, “Whe---where are you going?” She looks angry. Shit. I scramble to think of something, yes! For once my brain cooperates, “I have to take Digg’s car back and pick up my bike.” She seems to accept that. I start down the steps again. “You’re coming back though, right?” Uhh...part of me is saying “hell yeah!” the other part is screaming “Abort!” I decide to wuss out, “Do you want me to come back?” She smiles and nods. “Then I’ll be back.” She accepts that and closes the door as I make my way back to her car. 

I get back to Diggle’s. He answers the door once again with the baby in his arms. “Guess your date didn’t go as it normally does.” He smirks at me. “It went well. Better than I thought. We had a nice dinner. Dessert with friends of my parents.” Diggle gives me his classic look of “really? Oliver?”   
“Mrs. Kennedy offered Felicity a job then her husband offered to help me get the company back.” He shakes his head, “Only the two of you could end up on a double date for a first date and walk away with jobs.” We both laugh. He offers me some water and I accept. “I can’t stay she’s waiting for me. I just wanted to get your car back to you.” 

We are quiet for few minutes. He puts Andi back in her cradle by the couch. Lyla must be resting. “Oliver, be careful with that girl.” He is stern yet loving. I know this is hard on him. He feels like he is my brother in arms and her big brother protector. “I am Diggle. I’m just staying with her. Taking care of her.” He nods and looks me in the eye. “She loves you. Sometimes I think she sees you as a much better guy than you are--don’t interrupt. I think you are a good man Oliver but you still do dumb childish shit.” 

I can’t argue with him because he is right. “I told her I’d be back.” 

“And you should. Take care of her. Be there for her but Oliver go slow. She doesn’t think she is good enough for you. I think part of her is waiting for you and Laurel to get back together AGAIN.” 

I think about what he said. She is too good for me. If she did wise up and dump my sorry ass, I still wouldn’t go back to Laurel. That ship has sailed. I am not going back to that dysfunction. If Felicity and I don’t last I’d spend the rest of my days alone. I’d rather be alone than with anyone else. 

“I want to do this right but my role models are sorely lacking. I am winging it here.” Diggle huffs and crosses the room to check on Andi. He must be content with what he sees. He comes back over to me, he sits in the rocking chair again and looks me in the eye, “Oliver I know a lot more about that girl than you do. She is strong but she is full of doubt about her self-worth. I get that you love her. You are different with her.”

I find myself listening and drinking up every word. “I’ve seen you with Helena, McKenna, Laurel and Sara. With Helena you wanted to make her a female version of you. McKenna, you wanted a girl to see the old Ollie and the new man. Laurel...with Laurel, you thought she was your salvation, your atonement. Sara...was your back up. She kept Felicity at bay and she would have your back in every situation.”

He pauses. I wonder where he is going with this. I don’t wait long. “Felicity is all those things in one girl. She is a female you in that she fights for the city and those she loves.” He smiles with pride. “Like McKenna she sees you, all of you and accepts it. Of course, she sees Ollie, Oliver and Arrow. Felicity is your salvation. Your safe place to land. The person who literally went to purgatory for you. And lastly, Felicity like Sara will ALWAYS have your back.”

He is right. She is all of that to me. “Oliver, you are all those things to her. You see her. The REAL girl not the geeky IT girl. You pulled her out of her shell and made her a hero right along with you. You save her, not just from danger but from herself. She told you herself how you convinced her to be more than what she was before. Lastly, Felicity like Sara will always have your back. With her computer, with her fierce determination. She saved you from Slade. She kept you from killing and she cured Slade.”

His speech stuns me. He knows us both so well and sees things we don’t. “Oliver, you both doubt your worthy of the other. I am telling you this as YOUR friend and her big brother: make her feel she is your only girl. That she is the only one forever. AND let her prove to you that you are good for her, to her and the only one for her. Don’t hurt her by denying yourself her love.”

“I’m going to do my best not to hurt her, I promise. Slow. I want her to know I love her and only her. Most important, our first time will be my last first time. She’s it, Digg. I am doing this right.. I’m going to make sure she knows how amazing she is.” He grins at me. “Good. She deserves it.” He stops, “You both do.” And with that I leave. 

I get on my bike and point towards home. Home. Her place isn’t my home but wherever she is; will forever be my home. I arrive and start to knock but she opens the door. “Heard the bike.” she explains. We hug. “Let’s go to bed.” She takes my hand. I stop dead in my tracks. “uh, Felicity.” She stops two steps up from me. She turns and looks at me. “Just sleep, right?” My voice cracked like a damn teenager. 

“Don’t you--” she looks like she might cry. I step up and put my hands on her face, “I always want. I want this more than anything. Just I want it when it’s right. When we are in the right place.” I kiss her. She slowly starts kissing me back. I break the kiss. I put my forehead to hers. “One day...” We both are trying to catch our breath. After a moment we continue to her room. She grabs her night clothes and goes to change. I find my sweatpants and put them on. She comes to bed. I lay on my back and she’s at my side curled onto my chest. 

“Oliver, thank you for tonight.” She kisses my chest. I smile. “You’re welcome. Thank you for giving me another chance.”


	14. It must have been love...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A meeting. A confrontation and a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the kudos, bookmarks, subscriptions and comments! They keep me going.

I wake up the next morning before her. I do a fist pump. It’s not a competition but knowing she is sleeping better makes me feel that I am helping her in some small way. She is curled into my side. She looks like an angel. I ease out of bed and write her a note. I need to go for a run and burn off some of the nervous energy I have about the meeting this morning. I put the note on the pillow and head out. I lock the door behind me and hope that she’s up when I return since I don’t have a key. 

I run down on the docks. I don’t know why I end up here so often. I think back to leaving on The Gambit. I think about the sinking, the island, Hong Kong and my return. I need to tell Felicity everything. I just don’t know how or when. I could ask John but I don’t think he should know before her. I need to figure this out on my own. Today is about QC and my meeting. My run started to clear my head. I ran my ten miles and then headed back. 

When I get back she is awake and in the kitchen. She is making coffee.This is a sticky situation given her stance on me, her and coffee. I cautiously enter the kitchen and move towards the coffee pot. She turns and hands me a mug. I quirk an eyebrow, silently asking if it’s for me and is it poisoned? She laughs, “It’s fine Oliver. I’m not doing this for my boss, in a position I was highly overqualified for--I’m doing this for my boyfriend who is super sweet and will make the coffee before he runs next time.” Only Felicity can school you and make you laugh about it. “Thanks.” I move in to kiss her cheek but then remember I am all sweaty. I pull back, she pouts. “I’m sweaty” She smiles and kisses my cheek, “I like you all sweaty.” I think back to saving her from the landmine and her remarking on my sweat. “Really now?” She nods and bites her lip, “I’ve always enjoyed you sweaty and most of the things that make you sweaty...” I put my mug down and I kiss her. 

She pulls back, “Oliver not that I don’t adore this but your meeting.” Shit. She’s right. I gulp down some of the coffee and run to the shower. I realize I don’t have a business suit here. I wash up in record time and am looking for something clean to wear to the lair when I see a suit hanging on the back of her bedroom door. I put it on. It’s mine. I head downstairs and catch the tail end of her conversation:

“Thanks for bringing it by, Roy.”

“No problem, Blondie....are you sure about him? He’s hurt you before..Laurel and Sara. It seems like you have the wrong last name for him...I remember what--Thea would say about him, it wasn’t nice. He wasn’t nice.” 

Silence.....

“Roy, that is the old Oliver. Their Ollie. Not MY Oliver. Sure he makes mistakes and he does stupid stuff but his heart is good. He’s learning so for now, just for now, he gets a learning curve.”

“why?”

“Because he went through hell--because he survived it and somehow he still has a good and loving heart.”

The kid must be satisfied because he leaves. I head the rest of the way down. I don’t know if I should tell her I heard her. She looks over to me after closing the door, “You found it. I had Roy bring a suit when I realized you’d need one.” 

She stops and appraises me, “You look gorgeous.” She sighs and I smile. “You might be biased.”

“I’m not. You’re gorgeous. I mean, I like casual Oliver. I definitely like leathered out Oliver but something about high powered suit Oliver gets me excited.” 

I gulp. I had no idea. She continues, “My favorite incarnation will forever and always be half naked, doing the salmon ladder and grunting Oliver. THAT is the stuff of fantasies.” She says it in dreamy breathy way that has me wishing she was further in the healing process and I didn’t have a business meeting. I do have to play with fire for a minute, “If business Oliver.” Diggle would cringe at my third person usage, “is so gorgeous, as you said, how did you keep your hands off him in the office.” 

 

She gives me a seductive smile, walks over to me and leans up and whispers, “By keeping them on myself...a lot...in the office.” She innocently kisses my cheek and heads upstairs, yelling over her shoulder, “Have a good meeting! Get the company back.” I’m stunned. I need a minute. Did she really just confess to masturbating at work, about me? I look up the stairs and debate following her. I don’t. She calls down, “my keys are on the table. take my car, the bike would get you wrinkly.” I smile. She is always taking care of me...and herself apparently. I drive to my meeting with only half my mind on what could happen. The other is on her. We definitely need to discuss this new information. I get myself under control.

I arrive at Kennedy Corp, I make my way to the front desk and get my visitor badge and get on the elevator to the executive floor. As I make my way to his office I notice people noticing me. Many just gawk while others whisper to a coworker. I grew up being stared at and talked about, but this time I’m somewhat curious as to why they’d care. I arrive at Mr. Kennedy’s office and his assistant lets me right in. I thank her, and she blushes and I notice that she tries to make herself invisible while doing her work. It occurs to me that all good assistants do that. Felicity had tried but failed miserably, mostly because I needed her too much. I smile at that thought just as Mr. Kennedy greets me, “I know that smile, you’re thinking of your girl. Did she enjoy your first date?” 

“Yes, Sir. I was the perfect gentleman. I think I might even get a second one.” I joke with him. Honestly, the only thing in the world that scares me or shakes my confidence is the thought of losing her. I shake my head to rid myself of that imagery. 

“First date?” I turn to see my former stepfather, Walter Steel. I smile at him. He is a good man, who didn’t deserve what he got in return for loving my mother. I, often wonder if she ever truly loved him or if he was just a placeholder. “Yes. Good to see you, Walter. But I must say I’m curious why you’re here?” He shakes my hand. 

“First things first. Date?” I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face. Walter nods and looks pleased. “Felicity. Smoak. I finally asked her out and she graciously agreed.”

“About time. Your mom and I had a bet how long it would take you to realize that girl was madly in love with you.” I blush and puff out my chest. I am so amazed and honored that someone like her could love and want someone as damaged as I am. 

“Really? hmm. Interesting. Back to business why are you here?” It’s not that I mind Walter being here. I actually am glad he is here. I know so little about business and couldn’t ask Felicity to come, that having him here is a relief.    
“When Braxton told me about your meeting this morning over breakfast at the club, I begged an invitation.” He smiles to his friend and then at me, “I will do whatever I can to help you get the company back.” We both nod. Agreeing to work together. 

Mr. Kennedy and Walter have already worked up a plan and ask me for minimal input. They’ve lined up several hush-hush meetings with other investors. “Oliver, I was looking over your work as CEO, and while it wasn’t stellar it wasn’t awful either. You held your own until Ms. Rochev used your personal drama, to ascertain your shares. It made you seem...shall we say foolhardy.” He looks at me and it isn’t in judgement but to let me know NOT to fuck up again. 

“However, Walter here has explained to me, not only were you dealing with your mother’s mayoral campaign and Thea’s kidnapping, but other more pressing issues.” He looks at me with a knowing look then to Walter. I’m a bit lost. “Therefore, since your ‘other matters’ were more important and we all owe you a debt of gratitude, we will put you back in your company. We’ve already acquired several off your assets.” He hands me papers and I numbly thumb through them. 

I am still back on my other matters. I look over to Walter and somehow I KNOW that he KNOWS. He KNOWS I am the Arrow. I don’t know how and I know we won’t discuss it. He has also enlightened Mr. Kennedy. I am a bit shocked but I quickly come to terms with it. What can they do? Turn me in? Who would believe them? Furthermore, they have no proof. I relax. I don’t care about myself but Felicity, Digg and Roy are a major concern. 

“Oliver, there’s more.” Kennedy calls to me, he walks over and shuts the door I had just opened. “When I had my people up all night researching--we ran into some--shall we say bad news?” I look to Walter who is looking me in the eye and giving no hint.    
“I can’t imagine what it could be.” I say slowly. 

“It’s two things one more serious than the other. ADA Lance was freelancing. Helping you to find a way back into the company?” I nod. “Yes. When we were living together she offered to help me.” He shakes his head. “Son, I don’t know how to tell you this but she was doing the opposite. She fed all kinds of information to Palmer. Just before you arrived, a friend told me that he had contacted Ms. Lance weeks ago and she told him you weren’t interested in the company.” He is sad on my behalf. I’m not. I feel betrayed but not sad. I learned too much about human nature on that island to feel sad, not about business. 

“And the second thing?” He smiles as does Walter. “Your lady friend? Felicity. Her colorful past does give some pause. Not enough to keep them from helping you but I’d keep that one close Oliver.” This time I am surprised. “What do you mean?”

“Let’s just say that working for the Arrow isn’t her first foray into helping someone who may or may not be on the correct side of the law.” He shakes his head and laughs, “If I didn’t have the Mrs. and I was forty years younger, I’d give you a run for your money with that one!” I should laugh and I manage a chuckle but anyone wanting to take her from me sets me on edge. 

“Felicity is remarkable. I am very lucky to have her. And I am glad I don’t have you for competition.” With that we said our goodbyes and I leave. I will meet them several times this week for more meetings and investment dinners. Felicity would be by my side so I felt calmer about them. 

I made my way to her car and drove towards the lair. I know her well enough to know she got someone to pick her up or called a cab. No way did she stay home. I smile. I feel more relaxed knowing I will see her soon. Hold her in my arms and maybe get a kiss or two. I pull into the lot. I don’t see Digg’s car which isn’t surprising it is the middle of a work day, he may work his day job but he is still on leave from our duties. 

I am excited thinking about some alone time here with Felicity, then I see it, parked to the far side up against the building...SHIT Laurel is here. I make my way into the building. Someone left the door ajar, so much for safety and secrecy. 

“Felicity! I really don’t care what you have to say, I am telling you as long as he is with you he won’t get the company back...he won’t get the respect he needs. If you love him, like you say you do..let him go!” 

I hear Felicity counting, “8-9-10...” then she takes a deep breath, “Laurel, Oliver is NOT a prize, he is not a toy and he is not YOURS. What part of this do you have a problem understanding?”

“I’m not the one with the problem. You are. He will have to choose between you and his company. If he does choose you, he will grow to resent you.”

“Yeah and if he chooses the company, you think he will run right back into your arms? Fine. Laurel. Whatever.” I can hear Felicity pacing. “Oliver knows he cheats, he leaves me for you, we’re done. No going back.” Laurel laughs at her, “That is your big plan? Oliver hates ultimatums.”

“It’s not. It’s a fact. I am no one’s fool. I love Oliver. I am IN love with him, but I love me more. I love being able to look in the mirror and like who I see and what I stand for. He knows that. If I’m not good enough for the posh crowd or for him, then I’m better off without either!”

It’s quiet...

“Ollie has always and will forever be MINE! Sure, he goes off on his side adventures but he ALWAYS comes back to me. Who did he dream about on the island? ME! Who did he want when he came home? ME! Who did Slade take to hurt Oliver most? ME! WE are destined.”

“I never thought I’d say this but I pity you.” Felicity says softly. “Destined? For what? Making up to break up? That’s a great life for a child. That isn’t even a good life for an adult. You’re living in the past, Laurel. You’re also not being smart about this..you both cheat. You’re having another man’s baby AND you know you use Oliver for his social standing and the Arrow to do your bidding. It’s not healthy.”

“None of that makes a difference to Oliver. I am still the one he dreamed of, I am still the one he wanted and the one Slade kidnapped.” Felicity laughs, “Fine...I tried to play nice..Oliver may have DREAMT of you, but he had a girl on the island, Shado....and your sister. Sooo...I think dreams were the last thing on his mind. When he came back you rejected him and he didn’t spend time licking his wounds...he spent time with Helena and McKenna. I’m not sure how much pining he was doing.” She pauses, I peek around the corner. I know I should stop this but I think Felicity needs this.

“Do you know what Oliver said when your Dad told him, the Arrow you were taken?” I peek, Laurel is shaking her head and looking worried, “He told him the city comes first. THE.CITY.COMES.FIRST.” On the second one she tries to imitate me. “Sure, he did go and get you but only after our plan. OUR PLAN which was to save the city and well, you... probably.”

Laurel gasps, “Ollie would never say that! Not about me. You’re lying.”

“I don’t lie..”

“Even if it’s true, he came for me.” 

“Okay, Laurel. Whatever. I could set you straight but I don’t like hurting people. I really don’t.” I hear as she walks away and plops into her chair, she’s done but Laurel doesn’t know her like I do. “You think YOU can hurt me? Ollie will come back. He always does. Only for once I’ll have a condition and it’s that you are GONE.” 

“I am done fighting with you. Like I said I like being able to look in the mirror and like who I see and fighting over a man, any man is beneath me. I’m done.”

Felicity is quiet. Laurel is quiet. I wait. Neither woman is moving so I go back up the stairs and make a bit of noise to announce my arrival, “Felicity? Are you here the door was left open and you know--” I look and see Laurel running towards me. She puts her arms around me. I don’t do the same. I look over her shoulder to Felicity who gets up, walks to me and tries to takes her keys. I am not going to let her go. I don’t release the keys, “Where you going?” 

She looks from me to Laurel. “Home. I’m tired.” I know she is doing this to give me a chance to do what I need to do, but I don’t want it. “Wait a second, I’ll drive us.” Laurel has released me and looks between me and Felicity. “Ollie, I want to speak, privately. After I can take you wherever you want to go.” I notice she doesn’t say to Felicity’s which irks me. She thinks I will go with her. 

“I want to be with Felicity.” I leave it hanging. “Fine she can stay.” I can’t believe the nerve of this girl. “She can stay? It’s her place more than mine and definitely more than yours.” 

“Oliver it’s fine. I don’t need to be here.” I turn to fully face her, we are still both holding her keys. I see the trust and love in her eyes. “I know you don’t NEED to, I want you here. With me.” She nods and drops her hand from the keys. I grab her hand and she steps a bit behind me but not hidden. I look over my shoulder and smile at her. Damn, I love this girl. She is letting me know that she has my back and that she trusts me. I turn to Laurel and the smile drops. 

“What do you want?” Laurel smiles up at me. A smile I’ve seen a million times, a smile I once tried to get out of her a lot. Now, it disgusts me and how stupid we both were. 

“I was wondering..you see, it’s Tommy’s birthday coming up and I don’t want to go to see him alone? And you’re the only person who loves him as much as I do.” I feel Felicity look up to the ceiling and I know she just rolled her eyes and turned away. I hear her collapse in her chair and mutter. I smirk over my shoulder at her then turn back to Laurel.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not, Ollie?” She is pouting. Funny on her it looks pathetic and on Felicity it’s the most adorable thing I’ve seen. “Because what WE did to Tommy is awful. Going there together is sick and twisted. And I know what you did to me, so being around you isn’t something I want to be do right now.”

She pauses. I wonder if there are so many things she has done that she needs to pause to think about it. “I don’t know what--is this about the baby?” She puts her hand protectively over her stomach. “No. I wish nothing but the best for your child.” 

“Then what?” I look and Felicity is watching. Not even pretending to be doing something else. I know she is on alert to defend me. Damn, she is amazing. I turn to Laurel again and loud enough for Felicity to hear..

“I know that investors came to you, to see me, to help me get QC back and you turned them away. The meeting I took this morning, which I am certain you will tell Palmer about, was enlightening on that front. You’ve been sabotaging me. I just don’t know why.”

She is shocked I know. I think she is even more shocked that I have been working on this, on my own. “Who did you meet with?” Dodging the topic at hand. “Mr. Kennedy and Walter Steel.” Her face completely falls, “Kennedy told me how you’ve been sabotaging me.” 

“Ollie, I was doing what was best for you, for us! If you went back to that company, you’d have no time for me, for us. For our life together. You’d be with HER or Mr. Diggle or both of them all the time.” I laugh. I can’t help myself. “Don’t you see Laurel, I was going to be with them anyways. I could never be Oliver Queen CEO or The Arrow without them.. I NEED them.”

She moves towards me shaking her head, “No you don’t. You were fine before the Gambit. You’d be fine now with me.” Why is someone so smart so stupid. “Laurel, I am not the same kid. I WANT to be the man my parents raised me to be, head of the company. Leading it into a better place. AND I want to be the Arrow and save this city. But most importantly, I want Felicity by my side in all of it. You and I? We weren’t ‘fine’ if we were fine, Sara wouldn’t have been on that boat with me.” I pause and take a step back, “If we were meant to be together, you wouldn’t have fallen for Tommy. You don’t love me, you love your idea of me. You LOVED Tommy. I’m sorry he’s gone and I’m sorry for so much more...but you, me...not happening.” I am sad to say this, not the part about her and I, but knowing she loved Tommy and they deserved happiness together. 

She gasps and looks away then back to me, there are tears in her eyes, “You really aren’t ever coming back this time? It’s not because of the baby but--but because of HER?” She looks around me to Felicity who twiddles her fingers to wave at her. Then she is back to me. 

“I am not coming back because we aren’t meant to me. You should go be the best ADA you can be, prosecute people. I need to go be who I am. I hope we can be friends. But if not, that’s fine too.” 

She looks away, “I just don’t know.” I nod. She slowly leaves. I think she understands now that this isn’t about Felicity entirely. I watch her go and Felicity follow to shut the door behind her. I really think we jumped the hurdle of Laurel. Felicity and I are free and clear on that front. She comes back down and heads right for my arms. 

“You were amazing. Strong but not mean. I am very proud of you.” I lean down and kiss her. “You Missy were not as nice.” She looks up at me shocked. “What?” I smile and wrap my arms tighter around her, “I arrived earlier. I listened to you school her. You are quite feisty Miss Smoak.” I nibble her ear. “She made me mad. With all her destiny talk.” I smile and continue my kissing and nibbling. 

“I’m sorry, if what I said to her upset you. But it needed to be said.” I stop and pull back to look at her, “I don’t really care. You are your own person and should say whatever you want to her. I won’t curtail that..Laurel brought it on herself and it is not my job to protect her. It’s to protect you...if you ever need it.” She smiles up at me. 

“You really don’t care that I said those things? It’s not the unforgivable sin to hurt her?” It hurts that she thinks that but I also know I brought this on myself. Too many times Laurel was the only person I put before the mission. She is the reason the reason I let Diggle down and the reason Felicity has cried. Never again. My place is here, with her. 

“Nope. She came here to pick a fight.” I shrug. “Laurel was my first real girlfriend. I have fond memories of her, but YOU. You are my present and my future. My loyalty is with you, always.” 

She kisses me. Hell, had I known I would get this type of mind-blowing kiss I’d said it a long time ago. We’re still kissing when we hear a throat clearing, it’s Roy and Sin. She speaks, “we came to talk to you both. We know you are all ‘taking it slow’ but Roy and I feel we should maybe move out.”

Felicity leaves my arms, “No. That is out of the question. Oliver and I can decide when and if he moves in and that doesn’t mean you two move out. Maybe it means we all need a bigger place.” She is thinking. I smile. 

“I could have the mansion back soon. Then we can all just move in there. Even Digg.” l laugh but if I’m honest I would prefer it that way I can protect all the people I care about. I wonder if I could talk Digg and Lyla into it..the rooms they could have would be bigger than their tiny apartment. 

“I don’t think Thea will dig me living in her house when she comes back.” He’s probably right. “I need my own place. I love you Blondie but a guy needs his own place. Tell her, Oliver.” He is right so I do tell her and she scoffs. I whisper to Roy, “If I get put out because of this....you may not survive the training session I will put you through.” He looks scared. I smile. 

“Okay..but it has to be close. And safe!” Felicity takes care of these kids like they are her babies. She turns to Sin, “Are you leaving the nest too?” Sin blushes. “I don’t want to but I don’t want to be the reason you two aren’t together.” Felicity hugs the girl tight. “What happens between us, has nothing to do with you, okay? I want you around. I want you to stay.” Sin’s face lights up. She needs this family. I need to get the mansion back to I can move us all in and get some privacy with Felicity.

“I have an idea...when I get the mansion back. Sin can have her own suite of rooms. Roy, you can have the pool house. WHEN Thea comes back if there is a problem we will find you a new place. Deal?” All three look at me with varying degrees of shock. Felicity squeals and runs into my arms, “Yes! Agreed. Deal!” She kisses my cheek and looks to the other two. Sin nods and Roy glares then nods. I know he is doing this more for her than me. I am just happy I was the one to make Felicity happy. I solved a problem for her...well, when I get the house back. 

Later that night, Roy and I suit up for patrol. Felicity thinks she may have found a bad guy but not enough information yet so patrols. I am learning to like patrols with Roy. He is thorough and quiet. Diggle sometimes wants to chat about life. Roy does the job and does it surprising well, he really stepped up his game while I was gone. After a few hours and after midnight we headed back. Roy knows I was on edge all night. He enters before I do..”Mad man on deck. Dive! Dive! Dive!” he yells going down the stairs. I roll my eyes. I march over to Felicity “Why was she on the comms and not you?” She smiles at me. 

“I need back up, Oliver. What if my new job means I can’t be here? Diggle is on leave. You and Roy need someone to keep you safe.” I growl. “No offense,” I say over my shoulder to Sin who is frozen. I hear Roy, “Don’t worry they do this ALL the time.” I then turn to him and glare, “No offense Sin but I want Felicity on the comms.” Sin shrugs. “Whatever Dude.” 

I turn back to Felicity and I see fire in her eyes, “I can’t always be here!” 

“I know you’re new job. I don’t think you’ll be working nights Felicity. If you do work some night then we’ll work around it. I want YOU on the comms.” She rolls her eyes at me. Why doesn’t she understand I need to hear her. I need to know she is okay. 

“Oliver, what if I’m in the field? Then we’ll be safer with Sin on the comms.” I see red. I look over her shoulder and start counting like she does only mine is to calm down. “YOU WILL NOT BE IN THE FIELD.” So much for calming down. I can’t have her in the field. 

“Excuse me? You may be the Arrow and run things but you are not my master. I decide when and if I go in the field. Got it?” She poking me with her finger. I am not moving and I am not budging. 

“I get that you may want to be in the field but it isn’t going to happen. Ever.” She stomps away and she growls. I notice Roy has changed. He along with Sin are slowly making their way out of the lair. She sees it too. “Home. The both of you.” I see they are both scared of her and nod. I am wondering if I should try to escape with them. She is using her loud voice.

“Oliver. You can’t try to keep me out of the field. It’s not fair.”

“I don’t care about fair, I care that you don’t die.” She huffs at me. She has her back to me. I walk over and put my hands on her shoulders, “I can’t lose you. Please don’t ask that of me. Anything. Anything else.” She turns around. “Oliver I am no safer here. Remember The Clock King? He blew the last place up? Slade? It’s a quasi safe.” 

I know she is right but I can’t deal with it. I can’t handle the thought of losing her and missions are never safe. They never go as planned. I look away. I keep seeing the bullet wound from saving Sara. The new bullet wound that isn’t even a week old. I see her like Shado. Dead because of me. I take a ragged breath. “Oliver. I’ve been training and going in the field all summer. I know how to handle myself.”

I don’t want her to be scarred like me, both physically and emotionally she deserves better. I can’t bear the thought of her going further down this road. “I will kill anyone who tries to hurt you.” She gasps. She knows I’m telling her the truth.

“Oliver..no matter what does or doesn’t happen to me, you have to be true to yourself. You’re a hero. You’ve always been my hero but now you are everyone’s.” I hug her tight. I hate this whole conversation. “Promise me, no matter what happens to me, you won’t kill again. Promise me!” I look down at her. I can’t promise her that. 

I walk away, “I can’t promise you that. If we’re going to do this, they...the criminals need to know you are off limits. They touch you, they die, no exceptions.” She is stunned. She’s shaking her head. “Oliver, no. I am not the Arrow’s I am Oliver Queen’s girlfriend, as far as the public knows.”

“The Count knew. Others know. You are off limits.” 

She turns away and is crying. I can’t stand to see her crying. I move to her and take her in my arms. “I don’t--I can’t be the reason you kill. I can’t live with that guilt. I’d rather die.” 

My turn to gasp. She means it. She would rather die than have me kill. Of all the things I thought could rip us apart I never saw this one coming. I can’t promise to not kill and she can’t be the reason I do. How did we get here. I just was upset Sin was on the comms.Then angry she thought she’d go into the field. And now...now I am losing the only woman I love....

She gathers her things and leaves. Alone. I practically rip my clothes off. Wearing only my boxer briefs, I start on salmon ladder. All I can think of is her. Losing her because I can’t make a promise I will break, not to her. She can’t be the reason I break a previous vow. 

I keep going for hours. I don’t stop until I fall on the mats exhausted. I stare over at her desk with my face plastered to the side of the mat. I start crying. I cry until I fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *crying* I am sooo sorry. I didn't think this chapter would go there but the Muse got ahold of me and that happened. Please, remember..I am a HEA kind of girl. We will get through this together. I know I told some of you, that Oliver would not screw up and I don't think he did. They are both being true to who they are and need to work through this impasse. 
> 
> I hope you all stay with me and trust me to work through this.


	15. I keep reaching out and there's no one there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written and rewritten this chapter four times. I edited it and edited it. I hope you like it. Please remember we are going to get to a HEA.. Eventually. I think we have four or five chapters. Thanks so much for sticking with me.

I wake up and my first thought is “where am I?” Then it all comes rushing back to me. Yesterday morning we were kissing and flirting. Early evening we were planning on living together, moving in the kids, we overcame the Laurel situation then we fought. She left me. I take a deep breath. I can hardly breathe. I grab my chest. My heart is still beating but part of me wishes it wasn’t. I don’t know how to do anything without her. I slowly get up off the floor. Before I move I realize the only way to survive this is to do my best to shut down. I stand up. It’s a start.

 

I hear a throat clearing and see Diggle. He has her chair turned towards me, and he is leaning with his arms on his legs staring at me. “You alright?” I look at him and sit back down, “No.” He nods. “She called me and told me what happened.” I look away. He gets up and hands me a water. He doesn’t comment on my red and swollen eyes. He knows I was crying. I’m not ashamed. “And?” He sits back down and looks at me with that look that says ‘seriously man?’. I wait. “I see your side but I also see her side.” I am surprised. 

 

“Digg, I can’t lose her. Not her too. I’ve lost too many people and losing her would kill me..” He nods. “I hear ya man. I just don’t understand going from her on missions to you killing.” I shake my head, “I don’t either Digg. One second we were happy and the next she was walking out.” I get up and walk around. Everywhere I look I see something that reminds me of her. I want to ask a question, but I fear the answer. 

 

“How is she?” I need to know she is okay. Even if she isn’t with me, I need her to be okay. Knowing she is out there okay is important to me. Digg looks at me, “Not good man. She needs you. She loves you. Sin is with her.” I nod. I keep pacing. I’m thinking. I am trying to figure out what to do, a huge part of me wants to run to her and tell her that whatever she wants is fine. That would be a lie. 

 

“Digg..I want to make this better but I can’t lie to her and I can’t lose her.” 

 

“Oliver. She was in the field when you were gone and she did great. She got hurt, it’s true but she held her own and she will get better." he stops letting me take in what he saying and then I see frustration take over, "She is a grown ass woman, who should decide for herself what she wants.” I think about it and he is right. She is grown and independent. I love that about her and I respect that. I guess I need to put my heart where my mouth is. I sigh. Then I picture Slade’s sword going through her like it did my mother or The Count’s syringe plunging into her neck and my resolve solidifies.

 

“Also, Oliver? This whole killing for her? I will do my damnedest, along with Roy and Sara to stop you.” I look at him, “Are you telling me; if she were dead or severely injured you wouldn’t want that asshole dead?” He shakes his head and walks over to stand next to me, he puts his hand on my shoulder, “I’m telling you, I wouldn’t let you kill the person. YOU aren’t a killer. Not anymore. Would I want the bastard dead? Yes. But justice might not be death, look at Slade.”

 

“Had he hurt her I would have done my best to kill him.” I am serious and I think he knows it. “I know.” We are now just circling each other.

“Want to spar?” I look at him and nod. Maybe some more exertion. But first, “Digg? What do I do?” 

 

“I don’t know. You two need to figure it out. I’ve talked to her. I know her side. She is scared of being the reason you do something stupid.” He puts his hands up to stop me, “Stupid to her. She loves you and she sees the hero within and is scared of being the cause of you going backwards.” 

 

i contemplate what he has said to me and I need to ask a question, "Digg..you see my point? I need to protect her and showing  them that she is off limits and all who cross that line will be killed is the only way.”

 

He considers me for a minute, then blows out a breath, “I do. But I also get that she is an independent, strong woman who sees it not as protection but over reactionary.” We start sparring and I am probably more ruthless than I need. Diggle holds his own. He knows I need this. Finally, he calls me out on going overboard, “Oliver! Calm down. I have a daughter I’d like to still be able to kick the ass of any boys who come calling.” I smirk. He laughs.

 

We both freeze when we hear the code and the door open. I don’t think it’s hear because I don’t hear the click of heels. I drop my head to my chest. I can’t control my emotions so Sin and Roy definitely need to be somewhere else. We both turn and see Felicity. She’s in a pair of converse chucks, jeans, a tee shirt with a cardigan over it. I look to her face. She’s wearing her glasses, her eyes are as red as mine and swollen. Her hair is curly and pulled back in a low ponytail. Much like the day we met. I breath in deeply. Immediately I feel centered. All the meditation in the world can’t do that to me as quickly as seeing her can and does. 

 

Diggle looks between us, “I think I should ..go?” He looks to her she nods, then to me and I do the same. “Call me if you need me.” And with that he heads out. We both watch him go. She turns to me. I take her in again. She is so beautiful. I can't help but release another sigh. Why can’t she see I will do anything to protect her. She walks over to me and puts her arms around my neck. I put both arms around her back holding her flush to me. I don’t know what this hug means, but it could be the last one so I hold on tight. I smell her hair. She pulls away. 

 

She gives me a weary smile, “Rough night?” 

 

“The roughest I have had in a long time. You?”

 

“The worst. I’m sorry I walked out. I’m glad you let me go. I needed to be the one to come back." I feel a glimmer of hope. Could she be willing to see my side. “I’ve thought a lot about this and I even called Sara. We have to come up with a way to deal with this that we both can live with..I don’t understand killing being an option. You don’t understand it NOT being an option.”

 

I nod. She’s right. “Felicity, I can’t let anyone think they can hurt you and get away with it. I respect you as a strong independent person but...I can’t. I’ve watched too many people die.” I stop myself and think because I’m scared what I say next will end this forever. I slowly and very quietly tell her, “maybe I was right when I said I can’t be with someone I really could care about, because I do care about you...I love you. maybe it’s not about them, but about me.” 

 

I look and see tears in her eyes. “You are a great man." She stops for a second, "Oliver, I am in danger every second of every day. Whether I am a friend of the Arrow or Oliver Queen’s girlfriend or just plain Felicity Smoak. The danger is greater around the TEAM, but I’d rather be here with you, with them than alone again.” 

 

I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh. She can’t see my side and I can’t see hers and their is no middle ground. We need to stop before I say something stupid or do something stupid like try and kick her off the team. “I have a meeting and you have your first day at the charity.” She nods. “I guess we should, for now, just go about our daily lives.” I can tell she wants to argue. She stopped herself and I know it’s because of me and my meetings. Not for the first time I wish Tommy was here. He could be our go-between and charm her. That would be cheating and I am okay with that type of cheating. 

 

I get cleaned up and dressed. I put on jeans and a henley and head for my bike. Before the lunch meeting I plan on purchasing a car. I had hoped to bring Felicity with me. When I got out of the shower she was gone. It makes me feel hollow, lost and adrift. Even when we weren’t a couple, I knew deep down we would be one day. Now, I feel I blew my only chance with her. I am fighting the urge to go get wasted and find some willing little thing to keep me company. If I do that, I KNOW I will lose her. She puts up with a lot from me, but even she has her limits. 

 

At the dealership, I settle on a jeep. Before our fight I had planned on a nice SUV for our new little family. That dream seems to be fading fast. After my purchase I had over to the lair and change into a suit. I remember yesterday, was it just yesterday? and how Felicity told me her preferences. And her naughty side came out. I smile sadly. I grab my wallet and keys to head out. 

 

At the restaurant, Kennedy and Walter are there with a couple of men I recognize as old friends of my father. One owns a string of upscale hotels, the other I think owns five star restaurants in many major cities around the world. I make my way over and greet the men with a firm handshake and a smile. We talk business. After they hear my proposal (the one Walter and Kennedy made for me) they both agree to invest with me.

 “Oliver, your dad would be proud of you. You’re growing into a fine, responsible young man.” I smile. I’m not any of those things and I doubt he would be proud. The two gentlemen excuse themselves. 

 

As I am about to do the same Kennedy, grabs my arm and pulls me back into my seat, “Oliver, my boy, what is wrong? You look like you lost your best friend.” I look at him. Do I tell him, I did. If I do I can’t tell him why and let’s be honest my lies suck. Fuck it. “I did. Felicity and I --we broke up last night.” I don’t cry but I want to. He nods. 

Walter looks at me sympathetically. “Why?” I look at him. I know he knows but I can’t just say it’s because I would kill for her. I sigh. “We don’t see eye to eye to on certain things.” He nods, “I see. And are these certain things your penchant for women?” 

 

“No! I would never, could never do that to her. If I did I am fairly certain she would cut my balls off. Sorry! That was rude.” Walter and Kennedy both laugh so hard they start coughing and have to take a sip of water. “I bet she would and my money is on her winning any fight you two have.” Walter muses. He adores Felicity. 

 

“I am thinking since it’s not that--it must be your ‘other interest’.” I don’t confirm or deny, I sip my water. He watches me. “I am going to give you some advice and I hope you take it. Don’t borrow trouble.” I am worried what he may say. “What?”

 

“Don’t borrow trouble. Has something happened to make you fight or is this a ‘what if’, ‘it might happen’ or a ‘maybe someday’. If that is the case, shut up and move on.” He finishes his water and call a waiter over to the table. “bourbon for the table, please.” The server nods and heads off. 

 

“ Consider your relationship a wound, bad analogy but go with me here. Stop treating non existent wounds. You’re letting a scratch turn into a gaping wound. Wait and see. Take some aspirin and move on” I think about that and how we run our med bay. He’s right. “I believe you but Felicity...well, she is stubborn.”

 

Walter laughs, “She is very stubborn. She is also highly intelligent. She will work through whatever this is and you just follow her lead. That is another thing about marriage, the woman? Always right. Don’t argue. Smile and nod. Then do as she says.” We all laugh. After our bourbon, we all start to leave. Walter seems to think we can have the company ready to takeover in a matter of weeks. 

 

“What about Verdant and the mansion?” Walter smiles. I have the deeds to both of them, right here. The board members had decided to sell them. Happy birthday for those five years you were gone. I am touched he’d do that for me, “Walter..I can’t accept this. It’s too much.” He looks me in the eye and with a strong timbre to his voice tells me, “Oliver, you sacrificed a lot, those five years you were in Hell. Then you came back here and you saved this city and you saved ME. The least I can do is give you your home back. And your club.” He hands me the papers. “Sign them, give them to my attorney and we never speak of this again.” Before I can agree he takes off. I am left standing there with my mouth open. I loved my mother but she never deserved Walter. I head out. I realize I’ve been so busy I never technically quit my job for Laurel. I am sure I am fired by now, so I head to the lair. 

 

I arrive to find Roy and Sin already there. Sin is on the computers and Roy is training. I ignore them and they ignore me. I head back to my room, thankful for the bed. I think about what everyone has said. I mostly think about Felicity. There is a light tap on the wall. I raise my head and see Sin. “Yeah.” 

 

“You okay?” She asks cautiously. 

“Yep. Lost the girl of my dreams but hey, I’m getting my house back and my company. yippee.” I deadpan. She walks further in, “You know you haven’t lost her. You’re on a break.” 

“Breaks are breakups without the commitment, Sin.” She laughs, “For someone who sucks at relationships that was pretty stellar.” I look at her. She looks back. Like Felicity she isn’t afraid of me or my moods. “Why aren’t you and Felicity afraid of me?” I didn’t mean for it come out like that. She shrugs. I rollover on my side to get a better look at her. “You know. why?” She is leaning against the wall, arms folded over her chest. She looks away. I see a tear run down her face. I can’t imagine why she would cry over my question. 

 

“Lis and me..we have a bond. We lost the most important men in our lives when we were little. My foster parents sucked. Her mom sucked. We know when someone is really going to hit us, slap us, beat us or worse. It’s a survival thing. We know that, with us? Your bark is all we’re really going to get. You save your bite for the baddies.” I think about what she said. I knew Felicity’s dad left her. I knew Sin’s parents were dead. What I didn’t know is both of them have been through their own hell. Then it hits me..

 

“You were abused?” 

She nods. “It wasn’t all bad. Some of them were nice. Then others...I didn’t sleep.” She shudders. I blink. I’ve never thought about why she was on the streets. 

 

“Lis, dude... She gets it. Her mom was--well not June Cleaver. Men in and out of the house. Constantly berating Lis for being smart and when Lis got boobs, her mom got jealous. The men...they liked her mom, but once they saw the younger innocent version..Lis learned to hide herself and to blend. Like me, she senses people. Why do you think she helped you? You look like a scary gargantuan.” I smile. I never thought about what either woman had been through. 

 

“Oliver?” I look up at her and quirk my brow. “She doesn’t want you to turn into one of those scary ones who bite. THAT is why she left yesterday. She’s seen really bad guys too...seeing the man she loves become one? It would kill her.” With that she pushes off the wall and heads out of my room. I sit back and consider what she said. Could killing again turn me into one of those people? I know her death..because of me would turn me into a monster. I'm not sure how long I was in there, thinking. 

 

I get up and go searching for everyone. I find Felicity sitting at the makeshift table, her arms stretched on the table and folded together. She looks up at me. She is crying, “You’re right.” I stop walking towards her. 

“I’m right? I’m never right.” She smiles weakly. “Shocking isn’t it?” She jokes then turns serious. Too serious. I have a sense of foreboding.

 

“Because of the life WE lead...we can’t be together. I can’t let you kill for me..you can’t feel like your risking my life. Caring--loving one another puts us at risk--” she cries harder and wipes her nose, “It puts the entire team at risk....” I start to shake my head, hoping she doesn’t say what I KNOW she is about to say. She gets up and wraps her arms around herself. I want to go and grab her, pull her into my arms and never let her go. Instead, I stand there and watch her. She turns back to me, “I am sorry. I am so-so sorry...If you want--I’ll leave the team.” NOOOO!!! I am screaming in my head. She can’t leave me, us. 

 

“No. We’re adults.” What the hell? I am not this mature, this adult. I want her. She wants me. Fuck everyone else. Instead more nonsense comes out of my mouth, “We can go back to being friends. How hard can it be?” I smirk. She nods. How hard can it be? Try fucking impossible. How am I going to see her everyday and not touch her, not kiss her...not love her? 

 

“Okay. I’m going to, um...go. I’ll see you around.” She tries to smile. I fake a smile back. She turns to go. Just before she is out of sight she turns back around. I want to run to her, hug her, beg her to stay. I do none of that. I just nod my head at her. She walks away. I am almost certain my heart left my body and followed her, it’s sick of my shit too. I fall to the floor, broken. 

Then I rage.

 

I can't control it. I rage against that fucking ship that sank. I wouldn't be a killer if it hadn’t went down.I smash the case with my suit in it. I rage about my mother for all her misdeeds. I throw all the dummies against the walls shattering them. I rage against my father for his and for Isabel, him fucking her caused so much pain. I break everything in the kitchenette. I throw the dishes at the wall. I grab the mini fridge and hurl into the makeshift table.  I rage at that damn island that taught me to kill or be killed. I go into my room and grab the mirror and toss it. I take the small chest and heave onto the bed. I'm not satisfied because it didn't break I pick it up and throw it again and again until it's in pieces... I remember Slade, being my friend and then trying to destroy my city and giving the most beautiful heart in the world nightmares. How will she sleep? Will she sleep. I pull at my hair...Nearly pulling it out.

 

I am so angry. I am angry at Amanda for stealing my humanity, making me this person. I grab a knife and start cutting at the mats. None of this is a good idea and somewhere I know this but I don’t care. I want to destroy everything. I want to lash out. 

I am mostly angry at myself for not knowing how to be the person Felicity needs and deserves. It's like there is fire running through my veins. I claw at myself. There is this red hot feeling. I don't feel human. I start screaming and howling. This rage goes on for hours until everything (except her computers) is destroyed. I am so full of hate and rage. I have lost her. I never deserved her. 

Then..like this morning. I turn it all off. Life has taught me that.

 

==========================================

 

It’s sixteen weeks and 5 days, and nine hours since I lost her. We pretend to be friends. I go to QC and pretend to be the CEO. She is there, runs the IT department. We have lunch with Digg, who is back as the head of security. Roy, who runs Verdant, but finds reasons to be at QC for our lunches. Sin is my new assistant. She isn’t Felicity but she is damn good at her job. Today is one of our lunches. 

 

My office now has walls because I need my privacy and these lunches are private. Sin has lunch spread out on the coffee table for everyone. I walk in and find her and Roy discussing some video game they are both going nuts over. Digg walks in a couple of minutes later and grabs his order. Felicity comes in last. She is hurried as always. She smiles at everyone, “Sorry I’m late.”  Sin smiles at her. Roy looks at me. Something is up. 

 

Digg breaks the tension by getting us all to talk about the latest crimes statistics. Crime is still low. We normally just do patrols and break up drug shipments. Felicity, I notice is distracted by her phone. We rarely talk anymore. We are “friends”. The type of friends who have friends and hobbies in common but never interact.  I guess that’s not completely true. I stare longingly at her, she stares back sometimes and then we both remember that we can’t go there. Her stares, however, are fewer and fewer. Before I realize it lunch is over and everyone but Sin is leaving. I sit back and watch. 

 

After they’ve gone I call Sin into my office. “How is she?” What I like about Sin is she doesn’t bullshit, she doesn’t pretend to not know who I am. She sighs and looks away. “She’s dating...she’s dating a guy she likes...a lot or thinks she does.” Remember when I said my heart left? I was wrong  because it just shattered. I lean back in my chair and play with my pen, “I see. Well. I am happy for her.” Sin gives me a look. “No you’re not. I am not. None of us are happy.”

 

“Is it Palmer?” Sin scoffs. “No. It’s some guy she met at the gym. He seems...” I wait. She just looks at me. This isn’t like Sin, she doesn’t pull her punches, “He seems?” 

 

“I don’t know...off. Like he wants her too much. But he just wants her. He doesn’t care for her...at least not like you do  but then again no one cares for someone like you two do for each other...damn, the babbles are contagious!” With that she turns and leaves. I text her wanting the guy’s name. Ryan Maddox. I’ve never heard of him. I decide to dig around and see if I can find anything. I know she probably already did this so I am wasting my time but it beats drinking myself stupid. 

 

After the long work day I had to the lair. I am building another one. We will have the place at Verdant, the new warehouse and one that is the basement of the mansion. I had decided to do this before the big breakup when they were all moving in. Roy moved into the pool house. Sin stayed with Felicity. He helps me down here sometimes. Tonight is not one of those nights. I am busy working when I hear something. I turn around, “Sara! what are you doing here?” 

 

She carefully looks at the mess of paint, flooring and some dummies. She tiptoes through it, "I came to see you. Heard you screwed the pooch with Felicity.” I turn back to the flooring I was putting down not wanting to talk about it. I am on all fours and hammering in some flooring. Sara comes over and sits down and pulls me back to sitting. From somewhere she has a beer and hands me one. I drink. We just sit there. “Have you seen her since you got back?” 

 

She looks at me, “Yep. I ran into her...with Laurel. As in she was with Laurel.” I spew my beer. “What?” She nods and takes another sip of her beer. “Apparently dad had to miss the lamaze class, Felicity was at the hospital saw Laurel crying and offered to go in with her. To hear Laurel tell it, she saved her from the humiliation of being the only person ALONE at the class.” I am staring slack jawed. I know she has a heart of gold but that is going above and beyond. “Laurel now sees what we’ve all seen. They aren’t friends but they don’t want to rip out each other’s hair.” She nudges me with her arm. We are both sitting against the wall, knees pulled up.  “I guess we could start a club about being your former lovers.” She jokes. I don’t laugh. 

 

“Felicity and I---we never..” She turns to me shocked. “No way! The sexual tension was off the charts! You’re lying.” I shake my head and take another drink, “Nope. Some kissing that’s about it.” I laugh sardonically. She doesn’t. “Wow. Ollie Queen,was a man in love.” She laughs now. I am in love. No was about it. “She’s seeing someone else. Sin told me.” Sara nods.

 

“I heard. Laurel says he seems smarmy.” Fuck even Laurel knows. What kind of mad world am I living in. “Laurel KNOWS?” She nods. “She saw them at this dinner she craves french fries from..it’s all very 1950’s milkshake drinking dating. No sparks.” 

 

“What?”

 

“They go out on these innocent dates. It’s like he’s old school courting her. It’s odd. I haven’t met him...YET.” Leave it to Sara to decide to protect my ex-girlfriend from what is apparently the sweetest most innocent guy ever. Then she says something that hurts, “He reminds me of that kid, Barry? From what I’ve heard.” I want to go back to hitting things.

 

“Ollie? You seeing anybody?” I look at her and fall into the Ollie Queen persona, “You offering?” She smiles at me, “Maybe.” She laughs and we both know she isn’t. I wouldn’t have accepted had she been offering. I’ve had many, many offers but they aren’t Felicity. She is the only one I want. After a couple more beers and some reminiscing, Sara goes up to one of the guest rooms. I check the house and head up to my room. Alone. 

 

We all meet up at the Foundry to go over the new codes now that Sara is home.I see Felicity practically hop down the steps. She looks so happy, so carefree. I want to hit something. I don’t but I want to. After everyone is gathered I give out the new codes for all three places, I give everyone keys to the mansion, I also hand out gate passes i made up and debit cards so we can all buy what we need. After I am done with my spiel and no one argues, Roy pops up with, “Class dismissed!” He grabs his stuff and heads upstairs to start getting the club ready for tonight with Sin. Sara says she is going nursery shopping with Laurel and heads out. Felicity waves at us and ducks out.  

 

Digg turns to me, “How are you doing man?” I grab my bow and start tossing tennis balls, “FINE.” Whoosh goes another arrow into an innocent tennis ball. Digg grabs the bucket to throw them, I nock another arrow. We keep doing this for awhile. “Oliver. You can talk to me.” I stop focusing on the tennis balls and open both eyes and turn to him. 

Digg is a good friend. When he found the place destroyed after Felicity left me, all he said was "good thing you're rich again. Let's get this shit cleaned up and then we get to go shopping." I grumbled. 

 

“And say what Digg? I love her? I miss her so much it hurts. That I have to turn off every emotion I have so I don’t run to her and beg her to come back to me? Will that make either of us feel better?” He shakes his head. 

 

“No. But maybe talking about it will make it easier. Have you thought about her side of things?” I shake my head. He knows better than to ask me that. “She’s going into the field this weekend for that party. Do you want Roy to be her date?” 

 

I had forgotten we had decided on her being the one to enter that party. “No. If she is going to be in danger I want to be the one with her.” He nods accepting my answer. “Digg?” He looks over at me from where he is standing gathering my tennis balls, “Does she love this Ryan guy?” He looks away and I think her says “shit”. 

 

“Does it matter?”

 

“Yes. It does to me. It matters that she is happy. It won't make me move on or stop loving her.” Before he answers he looks over my shoulder and looks shocked. I turn to slowly to see her standing there, “I forgot my bag.” I raise my eyebrows. She never forgets things. Against my better judgement my mouth opens and words fall out of it, “I guess you were in a hurry to get to your new man.” Shit. Queen shut the fuck up! She looks hurt and then angry. “No, I am actually a Big Sister with the Big Sister program. I am excited to take my Little Sister to the science museum.” She says this defensively. To the surprise of no one, I come off as an ass. I simply say, “Oh.” 

Digg walks slowly for the exit. “Just a reminder, blood stains? Hard to clean off the mats.” He takes two more steps, “Another reminder, the rule of no sex in the lairs...just saying!” He jogs up the steps and out the door. She watches then turns to me. 

“Listen Queen, we decided to not see each other anymore. I am doing my best to move on. I know you are too so let’s not be juvenile about this, okay?” She turns on her heel to go. “I’m not seeing anyone.” She whips back around. She is stunned then starts laughing, “Funny Oliver.” She points her finger at me, “Your lies are getting better.” With that she does turn to walk for the steps. I run in front of her and stop her. 

 

“I am NOT seeing anyone. I have NOT seen anyone. No dates. No one night stands. Nothing. If I can’t be with you than I rather be alone.” She gasps and her fingers cover her mouth. Her eyes are wide. I can see that she is thinking. 

“Ol--Oliver.” She says my name sadly. I don’t like it. “No, Felicity. Don’t feel sorry for me. I made this decision. I want you. Only you. We can’t be together. I get it. I’m fine with this.” She shakes her head and is now crying. 

“Oliver. You shouldn’t be alone.”

“I can’t be with someone I care about, remember?” 

“You were with Sara. I am sure you can find someone...” 

“I did. YOU.” I am standing right in front of her. I lean down and very gently brush my lips over her cheek, then her lips. She opens her mouth and I greedily accept her invitation. She moans at my invasion. I grab her hair and twist my hand into it, pulling her head back. She throws her arms around my neck scratching my head in that way she does that calms me and excites me at the same time. I grab her ass and she wraps her legs around my waist. Damn, this feels so good, so right. I start kissing my way down her neck when her phone goes off. 

"Ignore it" I growl and continue kissing my way back you to her lips. It stops then starts again. She pulls her lips away, "I have to answer it." I don't drop her I walk us both over to the desk so she can get it. She pulls it from her bag, "hello?" I start kissing her neck again. She playfully a swats me away. Then her legs drop and I let her go. "Sorry. Yeah I'm on my way." 

She puts her phone in her bag then looks up at me. “that was my little sister. I'm late." She turns and leaves. I have no idea what our make out session means. I turn to head for the salmon ladder when I hear clapping. I turn around. 

"Ollie, that is the best way to get a girl back. Show what she's missing with mr boring no sex." Sara laughs and walks over to me.   
"Thought you were nursery shopping. I am. I will be. I wanted to ask you if it'd be alright if I stayed with you a couple of days? Laurel will need to stay with dad while the apartment is painted."   
"Sure." I say distracted. "Ollie. She still loves you and that kiss...holy shit."   
"Hey nosy," I yell and she looks, "how long were you going to watch?" She smiles, "I've never seen her naked...I was curious." She giggles and leaves. I'm not sure if she was joking. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of notes..not about the story.
> 
> 1\. I am finally getting going on an one shot I started months ago.  
> 2\. I may try to work on my last FF..18. Not sure yet.


	16. I dare you to need me like nobody else I dare you to feel me like you've never felt I dare you to want to want Want to be good to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos. I huge thanks to all of you who are sticking with me! I appreciate each and everyone of you.

I can’t stop thinking about that kiss. That kiss; that I wanted to lead to so much more.I can’t stop thinking about it. Fuck. What am I fifteen again? Everyone will be here for the night’s work and I can’t stop thinking about her. I try to distract myself. I succeed for a bit by going over business proposals, but I quickly remember when Felicity was my assistant..which leads to her dresses. Which leads to her lips which leads to kissing and FUCK. I start pacing the lair. 

Diggle is back from paternity leave so he and Roy are going out. Sara is off tonight with her family doing baby things with Laurel. Sin has class. That will leave Felicity and I here, alone. Okay. Be cool. You can handle this. It’s not like it was your first kiss or even your first kiss with her. It was just your first kiss with her since the big big fight and breakup which makes it a big deal...a game changer! Maybe? If it was anything to her..ugh. 

She will be busy on the comms. I can ask her how her museum trip went. She will laugh and tell me all about things I have no idea what they are. I can talk about work. Just pretend things are normal and I haven’t been picturing all the things I’d like to do to her all day. 

Roy and Diggle are changing when Felicity arrives. She is in the same outfit from this morning. She nods. I nod. Yep. We got this...I can handle this. Then she smiles, a normal smile and I smile so big my cheeks hurt. I am one of those guys..the ones who get giddy over his girl. Shit. Double shit, I am okay with being that guy. 

Digg comes out and Felicity hands him the comm link. They chat. After a few more minutes, Roy comes out and she hands him his comm. They test them. They smile at her, she hugs them and out they go. Just the two of us, now. I blow out a breath. I haven’t been this nervous to be around a female since middle school. She puts her comm in. I pinch the bridge of my nose then I run my hand over my head...shit, my hands are sweating. What the hell. 

The mic is off since they don’t need information and won’t unless something happens. She listens to them while running programs on her computers. Once her programs are up and running she turns towards me. We don’t talk. I notice she has tear stains. Did I make her cry? Does she regret kissing me? Do I apologize? I can’t really apologize since I’m not sorry. 

I decide to bite the bullet, “You alright?” I stand up and walk over to her. She stands up. Our bodies seem to always need to be close to one another. “yes. Thank you for your concern.” Why the hell is she being so formal? “What happened?” I want to ask if this is about us, but how conceited would that sound? I am trying to be more caring and conscience of others while ignoring my own emotions. Not an easy task even for a guy like me. Please don’t let it be about me, us. Please. 

She bites her nail and then rubs her arms. “I broke up with Ryan.” She holds her hands up to shut me up before I start. “We kissed... we more than kissed. We...or I...I... would have done a lot more...too much more if my phone hadn’t gone off...I betrayed Ryan. I know we don’t have a commitment...Ryan and I , I mean it ‘s obvious we don’t.” she motions between us. Little does she know, I am completely committed to her and us. I let her continue though, “You, me...never gonna happen. Why do I torture myself? I don’t know...Ryan...Ryan was nice. Sweet. Good to me. Everything I SHOULD want...and what do I do? I practically jump you the first chance I get.I-- I was ready to climb you like a tree..how could I do that?” She waves her hand toward me and then she puts her hand to her forehead, “I am seriously broken.” She is now muttering to herself and pacing. “I want the unattainable...the guy, I can’t have, shouldn’t want...oh god. I am my mother...” She sits down, only it’s more like falling into her chair. “Kill me now, just take an arrow and do it, it’s better than becoming her.” 

I walk over and lean with my ass against her desk, facing her. “First off, I would have definitely went as far as you were willing to go. I am a changed man and all but you’re you.” I steal her line. I lean down so my face is even with hers, hands on the arm rest of her chair. “Second, I am NOT unattainable. You can have me whenever wherever. I am yours.” I whisper. 

I stand back up and cross my arms over my chest, “Third, Ryan sounds boring and you deserve someone who isn’t boring. Last,You are not broken. You just love someone who is broken..and I am sorry about the broken part, but not that you love me.” I smile. She looks at me stunned. “uh ummmm...okay?” Then snaps her mouth shuts. I laugh. I actually made her speechless. I didn’t think it was possible. 

We spend the rest of the time talking about other things. She is helping Laurel set up a video baby monitor that she can, in turn, use as a nanny cam. I have no idea what most of that means. I am shocked she is still speaking to Laurel. I tell her about a new deal I am working on. I tell her how great Sin is at her old job. It’s almost like old times. Except now I don’t stare at her wondering what her lips taste like, I know and now I wonder when I can taste them again. 

Diggle and Roy come back around 1 a.m. Diggle just changes and exits, while Roy goes to shower. Felicity starts powering down her system. “Oliver, can I come over to set up the new servers at the manor tomorrow? I know it’s Sunday but...” she trails off then whispers, “I don’t want to be alone.” I smile. 

“You are always welcome at my house. You have a key. What time do you think you’ll be by? Maybe we can have breakfast...Shit! That was NOT a line. I promise.” I blush I am so embarrassed she might think it’s a line. She giggles, “Wow. I can see the appeal of the old you. I think I’ll be by about around 8? Too early?” 

“Nope. You know I get up early.” That reminds me, “Felicity?” She looks at me with expectation, “Are you sleeping? I know...before...when I took care of you..” She quickly ducks away, “Sure. Of course.” I walk over to her, “No. You’re not. Can I help?” Her turn to blush and look away. 

“Yes but no.” 

“I know an all night diner..we could go?” She smiles. “I’d like that.” She gathers her things and we head upstairs. 

“You haven’t ridden in my jeep, let’s take it.”   
“And you don’t want to squish yourself into my car.”  
“That is a tiny, tiny car.”  
“No one asked you to shove yourself in the backseat, you know.”   
“Best decision, ever.” We both laugh. I open the door for her and she climbs up. I get a nice view of her ass. Not going to lie, that was an added unexpected bonus. I jog around to the driver’s side. 

I climb in and situate myself, put on my seatbelt and look at her, she’s watching me. “What?” She bites her bottom lip. “Sometimes, I forget how much of a gentleman you are, it makes you more handsome.I know you’re sexy but you’re handsome too.” I smirk and start the car. I still got it. 

It’s only a ten minute drive. About half way there she asks, “Why a jeep?” I look to her and then the road. Not a question I was ever expecting to answer. I go with the truth. Always the truth with her, “I was going to go with a bigger SUV, but once we-uh, broke up. What’s the point? Doubt I’ll have many passengers.” She nods and looks at the road. 

“Oliver. Should you make life decisions based on always being alone. You’re you..I don’t see you always being alone.” 

“Until I hang up the quiver and hood, I will be alone. YOU are the one I want. No one else.” 

“What if--what if, I’m not available? What then?” I grip the steering wheel much harder than I should. I clench my jaw. What does she mean?

“What do you mean by ‘not available’?” I know I used my ‘arrow voice’ as she calls it, but it can’t be helped. She looks out her window. I chance another look. I have to concentrate on driving, we are arriving at the diner. I pull into a spot. She turns to open her door, I touch her arm to stop her. She looks at my hand then up to my face.   
“I was raised with manners, remember? When we get out of this jeep, I will come around and open your door. Got it?” She nods. “Now answer my question please?”

She sits back in her seat. This takes me back. She looks out the windshield. I am starting to think she isn’t going to answer when she clears her throat and does. 

“I could be with someone else? Married. With kids.” She sounds unsure of herself but builds confidence as she continues, “It could be YEARS Oliver. I WANT a family. I want to be a mom. I think I’d be good at it. I could be a single mom, I think I could do that. I know I had a horrible example but I would do the exact opposite of her and things should be fine.” She pauses. I can tell something is coming, “I could be dead Oliver. I could get hit by a car tomorrow. I could be in a plane crash. Cancer. There are no guarantees. That is why I try to live my life as fully as possible.” She shrugs. I swallow the lump in my throat. 

“Maybe by then I will decide men aren’t my thing. Look at Sara and Nyssa. I really admire the bond they share. How supportive. I could play for the other team. Life happens.” she shrugs.

I am stunned by all of this. The thought of her marrying someone, someone who is not me, is not something I ever want to visualize again. The thought of her stomach rounded, her face glowing and her rubbing her stomach and that not being my child in there makes me want to throw up. I don’t think it occurred to me that letting her go, was setting her free to marry and have kids. To have a life with another man. I guess, down deep I thought she’d wait for me. Sure, she’d date but not seriously. 

I’ve thought too much about her dying. It could happen I know that. I haven’t lost many people to natural causes or true accidents but it happens. No. Unacceptable. Not thinking about that either If I do, I will want to put her in a plastic bubble and I don’t think she will go for that.

Last I think of her playing for the other team, as she called it. I will admit I find two girls kissing hot. I do not find it hot when one of them is Felicity. It’s all fun and games until it’s the love of your life. Nope. Uh uh. 

I smirk, “Sara saw us this morning. She said it was hot. I asked her how long she had planned on spying.”

“And?”

“She said she’d never seen you naked and was curious. So if you’re interested....” Her jaw drops, her eyes bug out and it is adorable. 

“I’m flattered but...I was not being serious. I mean, it’s fine. A perfectly acceptable thing...it’s just not my thing. Or well, I guess the problem is I DO like a thing. A male thing..kind of.. a lot...” It is my turn to laugh and laugh I do. She is remarkable. I love her. I can’t imagine not having these conversations with her for the rest of my life. A quick image of us in bed talking about something and laughing, I want that.

I open my door still laughing and go around to help her out. 

We go in and find a booth off in the corner. The menus are behind a tabletop jukebox. I grab them and hand her one. She is digging in her purse. She pulls out a tiny little purse from her big purse. I quirk an eyebrow, “Change purse...for the jukebox. I always have it on me.” Leave it to Felicity to have a change purse that matches her purse. She plops some quarters in and picks some songs. 

I watch her over the top of my menu. She reads every page before deciding which songs she wants. Once she is done, she turns back facing me in her seat. She opens her menu and quickly closes it. I close mine. Within a minute a waitress in a pink uniform comes by. She sits waters in front of us and straws. She pulls her pad out and asks for our orders. 

Felicity orders a cheeseburger and chili cheese fries and a milkshake. I order the same. Mostly to not look less than manly. That is a lot of food and really a lot for this late at night. 

I am enjoying watching the traffic, listening to music and being with her. “Did you miss music on the island? I know that’s dumb, but if I were stuck on an island, I’d miss music.”

“I did but there was too much other stuff to worry about to dwell on it. When I got back I spent a long time updating my iTunes and catching up on music trends.” I know this is the perfect chance to tell her, I decide to take it...

“I wasn’t always on the island. I mean, I was for most of it, but not all of it.” 

She looks stunned but not surprised. I don’t understand her reaction. “Where were you?”

“Hong Kong. Working for Amanda.” She nods. I see our waitress coming. I smile up at her. She rolls her eyes. Not a fan. She sits our food down along with the check. We fix our plates the way we want and start eating. 

“I thought you’d have more questions.” She looks at me and contemplates her answer. She finishes chewing.    
“I’m not stupid Oliver. I knew you weren’t there the whole time. I just didn’t think you’d ever tell me about it.” 

I choke on my drink. “You knew?” 

“Yes.”

“How?”

she sighs. “It sometimes offends me how stupid you must think I am.” She rolls her eyes. “ I guess I should have made you work on harder on your lies in the beginning or something because you don’t seem to get how smart I am.” She sighs and again and then explains, “First of all, I saw your Bratva tat. I do look at something other than your muscles and abs..sometimes anyways. Yes I know what it is. You know Russian. You can fly a plane and when we went to Russia you met with some..shall we say shady people? I mean, aside from Isable” She pauses, nails with her bitch face and sips her milkshake. “Then you knew Amanda. She isn’t someone you’d run into in Starling City unless she was looking for you.” 

“You never asked.”

“You’d never tell me if I did. What was the point? I know what I know. I accepted it and moved on.” I know how much she hates mysteries but her respect for me made her look past this matter.

“You know I am a captain and you just moved on?”

“Oliver. I don’t judge you. You did what you had to do to survive. I don’t know what I would do or who I’d become if I had to make those choices. Live that life.” she looks around the mostly empty diner, “If I really wanted to know, I could find out, but I wanted you to want to confide in me.”

I am stunned. She knew. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell her and she knew. I thought I was so slick and she knew. huh. Wait a second, “If you know what I’ve done, who I am and how I’ve lived..you don’t judge me because you never walked in my shoes”, I lean over the table and whisper, “Then why are you judging me wanting...needing to kill to make you safe?”

I slide back into my seat. She is stunned this time. Gotcha. She starts eating her food and ignoring me. She knows I have a point. I think I am winning until she opens her mouth, “Because...that is what YOU had to do. To live, to survive. Doing THAT for me? That is a choice. One you don’t have to make.”

“Bullshit.”   
She is shocked I said it. “Excuse me?”

“Bullshit. If someone hurts you..it isn’t a choice I make. It’s a choice that person made when that person decided to hurt you. I am doing what needs to be done. What I would have to do. What I will do.” She drops her fork. 

“I’m done.”

“You were eating your chili fries.”

“I’m done.” She pulls out her wallet. 

“I got it.” She gives me her glare and pulls out a ten. She walks over to the waitress and gives it to her. She storms out to the jeep. I think if she knew how hot it is when she is mad at me, she’d slap me. I shake my head and slide out of the booth. I grab our ticket and head to the register where our waitress is. I pull out a fifty. I hand it to her, “Keep the change.”

She looks up at me, “Really?” I nod. 

“You know she’s really pissed?” I nod again. “I know. She is that way a lot.” She looks me over, “I bet she gets over it quickly.” Guess she doesn’t hate me. 

I walk out and find her leaning against the jeep. I am just glad she didn’t try to walk back from here. That would be such a Felicity thing to do. I unlock the door and before I can open it she does and hops in. Alrighty then. I get in. I turn to her, “We fight a lot.”

She doesn’t look at me. Her seatbelt is on, her arms are crossed and she is taring out the window. “I know.”

“Truth or Dare?” She looks over at me like I am joking. I repeat myself, “Truth or Dare?” She rolls her eyes. 

“Truth”

I decide to change the subject. I am so sick of going over the same issue. “Why are you friends with Laurel?” She can be friends with her, but why? I don’t understand it. She laughs. 

“We aren’t friends. Not really. She was so sad to go into that class alone. I know that feeling. You know, you’re going to be judged and looked down on.” She shrugs, “So I went in with her. Now, the monitor is because Laurel is as inept as you are with technology.” I cringe. I don’t like her putting Laurel and I together like that. I am not sure I want them to talk. Laurel could tell her all my dirty little secrets. 

“Truth or Dare?” Shit. I forgot she gets a turn. I can tell she’s going to ask something deep. But her dares are crazy. “Truth.”

“Biggest regret.”

“Sara.” she looks stunned. “Sara? What? Why...”

“Before the island, I knew she had a crush on me and I wanted to get back at Laurel. Sara wanted to one up her and I was more than willing to be her means of doing it.” I stop and stare out the jeep windshield. It’s hard to recognize the girl she was and the woman she is now. “She’d be a different person if I hadn’t been such an asshole. The island wouldn’t have scarred her. Shado would be alive and Slade wouldn’t have gone psycho.” I stop and think about the next part, “All that aside, I regret sleeping with her the night you told me about Thea. I was angry and wanting to go see you or hoping like the night we thought Walter was dead, you’d find me.”

“Why didn’t you come to me, then?” she whispers it. I think she may be crying but the moonlight is the only light. 

“Because I wasn’t in a good place and I didn’t want you to see me like that. She showed up and the next thing I know, we’re fucking. Then we’re back together. I hurt you. I hurt Laurel. I hurt Sara. She is a great girl and deserves so much more.” 

“She is awesome. You know you can’t save her, she has to save herself.”

“She doesn’t think she needs it.”

“Maybe she doesn’t. Her life...her choice.”

“Truth or Dare.” Mine for her will be the same regardless. She is thinking about it. I can see her sizing me up. 

“Truth.”

“If I asked, will you wait for me?” If she’d said dare, I would have been a prick and dared her to wait. 

“yes.” She doesn’t even think about it. It makes my heart skip a beat and break at the same time. She loves me without question and will wait, if I ask. Can I be that selfish?

“Truth or Dare?”

I can’t deal in any more truths tonight, “Dare.” I smile but it’s not my normal smile for her. I’m a bit nervous. 

She smiles wickedly....I swallow the lump in my throat, “I dare you to let me stay at your place..it’s only what 4 hours until I said I’d be over...and you have all those rooms...” I smile and start the jeep. She can stay...in my room. Preferably my bed, but I am not pushing it. She’s agreed to wait...if I ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we have 2 chapters left. Maybe 3.


	17. There you'll be...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are...I know I had a couple of more chapters but...things played out differently. I am so nervous for y'all to read this..eek! 
> 
> I want to thank all of you who have read this and stuck with me! *group hug* I am so thankful for all of you. The comments have been inspiring. They made me think and challenged me. This story has been a challenge for me. When I decided to write this in the first person I had no idea how hard it would be writing only from Oliver's perspective! There are many, many parts of this story that I had to move along in ways that were difficult. An example is Laurel and Felicity, while not friends, they aren't enemies. I wrote that out for myself. However, since Oliver being there made no sense I had to incorporate that in somehow. The BIGGEST stumbling block was Felicity forgiving Oliver for his summer with Laurel and again for leaving her...I wrote out her thoughts and conversations with others but it was hard to write that in Oliver's voice and perspective. So THANK YOU...for indulging me.

I awake the next morning to sunshine, not just the one outside in the sky but the one next to me, sleeping. She was curled on her side, steady breathing and her hair was sprawled over her pillow. She is perfect. I could stare at her forever. Last night had been one of the best nights of my life. For the first time in my life, I know, I made love not just had sex or fucked. 

I hear sounds and try to ignore them; I don’t want the outside world to intrude on us, but suddenly my bedroom door is thrown open and Sara is sprinting towards the bed, phone in hand. Then she skids to a stop. For an assassin, she is lacking composure right now. I almost laugh at her first stunned and then giddy expression. I see the girl I took on The Gambit for a second. 

“Sin, cancel the alarm. Found her.” She giggles. “Yes, I am with Oliver..in his room..NOT LIKE THAT!.. watching him moon over a sleeping Felicity.” Sara rises up onto her tiptoes, “And she looks naked and relaxed. Crisis averted and best of all, I don’t have to wake up mr cranky pants and tell him she’s missing.” With that she disconnects the call. 

A normal person would ease out of the room and we’d never discuss this again. Sara is not normal she hops into my bed. What the fuck? I give her a look. She scoots to the other side of Felicity. I give her a death glare, “Okay, okay...I get it. You don’t share.” She moves to the foot of the bed. I look to Felicity and see she is awake, smiling. Sara notices too. 

“Good morning...which one of you wants to give me the dirty details? I am almost certain you are both naked...then there is the morning afterglow..it’s so cute!” She is teasing us. We both blush. Felicity slowly and carefully as not to expose either of us, rolls over to her other side which is into and close to me, “Make her go away...” she whines, as she leans onto my chest. I point to the door. Sara gets up and starts to the door. Sara is makes a pouty face before smiling, “I need to call John anyways...” Shit. She’s gonna rat us out. She stops at the door and turns.

“I’m going but you should know..my sister is looking for Felicity. That is how we knew you were missing..and Sin couldn’t find you. No one had slept in Goldilock’s bed.” She laughs as she closes the door behind her. 

I pull Felicity closer. “Good morning. Sorry about that.” 

“It’s okay. It’s sweet that they were worried about me. Sara is brave.” She says this with awe in her voice. I am not sure why all of a sudden we’re on this subject. “She was willing to come wake you and tell you.” I snort. It was a suicide mission for sure. I lean over and kiss her. I will never tire of kissing those lips. She pushes me back.

“What would you have done had I not been here with you?” I immediately tense. “I don’t know...my best guess would be you’d be with another man...I’d hope I could respect you and your choice.” I pause for effect, “In reality, I’d probably wait until you left and the Arrow would pay him a visit.” I try to look ashamed. I fail because I am not ashamed of it.   
“huh.” It’s a weird flat huh... “What’s that mean?” 

“I respected you and Isabel...and you and Sara, who is now staying with you...” I know she did. 

“See,” I kiss her temple, “you are a MUCH better, much more mature person than I am...” She smiles and retorts, “OR I just never thought I stood a chance so why embarrass myself?” She breaks my heart. 

I sit up and turn towards her, she moves to put her back against the headboard, “Felicity Smoak, you have had me wrapped around your finger for over a year. I know I’ve wanted you, to be with you for so long. Never doubt that. Even before I told you I loved you, before I went nuts over Barry...YOU had my heart.” She smiles and crawls over and onto my lap. Okay..round four, I’m up for it! However, she is not.. 

“I have to get to Laurel’s and then back here and do the servers. I can’t believe I forgot Laurel.” Every time she says her name I cringe. I don’t have ill will towards Laurel but I also don’t want to talk about her while in bed with Felicity. I also worry. 

“Why the worried face?” She seems upset. Before I can answer she continues, “Oh god..was Ray right? Am I a cold fish? An ice princess?” She buries her face in the covers and pulls away. What? It takes me a minute to catch up. I pull the covers away, “You were perfect. Last night was perfect.” And it was so, so perfect. 

“I don’t like talking about Laurel. I really don’t like talking about her in bed and I worry what she will tell you.” I am now mr insecure cranky pants. Time to turn in my man card, as Roy says.

I am lying on my side holding the covers away from Felicity, whose hair is now a beautiful mess. She looks at me, “Really? So...I was good? It was good?” She is so sweet and innocent while asking, I laugh, “Perfect. More than GOOD. No complaints. I promise. If I thought it would work I’d beg you stay here all day, every day.” She laughs and it is so wonderful. It’s rare I see the insecure side of Felicity, we all have them and I am glad I am here to reassure her, she is awesome.

She hops out of bed, “I need to get back to my place. Change and head over to Lau...a friend’s and help her.” I smirk. She’s always considerate. 

“Oliver?” I look up at her.   
“Laurel has told me stories. Lots of them. Some good, some not so good. Some sweet and others that make me sad for her. They don’t change my opinion of you or how I feel. We all have a past. That kid she knew? He’s not the man I love.” She walks back over (sadly dressed now) and kisses me goodbye. I feel better. I know her and I know she meant what she said. I am lucky man, not many women could hear those stories and separate them from who I am now. I won the girlfriend lottery. 

I decide to get up and go for a run around the grounds. Then I need to go over the plans for tonight’s mission. Felicity will be in the field so everything needs to be quadruple checked. As I pass the pool house Roy comes out in running clothes. I roll my eyes. He catches up quickly. 

“Sooo...I hear Blondie spent the night.” He smirks. I glare at him but keep my stride. “Fun? Did you two play charades? Oh! I know she did computer geek things..and you sharpened arrows..” 

“Roy, if you don’t want two broke legs, Shut up!” He laughs. We run in silence, it’s not awkward. As we come to the end of our run, we both stop to stretch. 

“Oliver, I am happy for you both. As long as you don’t hurt her. She deserves to be loved, cared for and not second best.” In that moment, I admire the kid. He knows I could kick his ass and he is willing to risk so that I understand he has her back. “I know I couldn’t kick your ass, but I think Sara would help and I KNOW Diggle would...just a head’s up.” And with that he heads to the pool house. 

I go inside and find Sara, at the island in the kitchen. “Hey.” She smirks over her coffee mug. “I was thinking we could spar but...sore? From last night’s ‘sparring’?” I shoot her a look but then I smile. She hops off and is hugging me, “I am so happy for you both!” She goes back to her coffee and grab one for myself. “Thank you, Sara.” I sip some coffee. 

“Thanks for not only being happy for me, but not making me feel guilty about..everything between us AND for being willing to come tell me she was supposedly missing.” I know Sara knows what I mean by everything between us. Sara and I will always have a connection forged on the island and made stronger by the realities of post-island life. 

“No worries. We weren’t meant to be...you and Felicity? Totally are and she makes you happy. I want you happy. If I had to lose you, I’m glad it’s to her. And you probably made Dad the happiest man, ever. No chance of you being his son-in-law.” She smiles. I know she means it. “I hope you’re happy too.”

“I am getting there.” 

With that we head to the in-home gym. We spar for a couple of hours. I head to shower and gather the intel for tonight’s mission. It should be simple. Felicity, Sara, Roy and myself are going to a party for one of Starling City’s elite. Diggle will be the get away driver and Sin is running comms if we need them. We need to sneak out and find the computer files on the illegal business this upstanding citizen is doing. I don’t know why but I have a nagging feeling about this party. It’s nothing special. Cocktails and appetizers. Begging for funds for his charity..No tux even needed. 

I am finishing getting ready when I hear giggling in the hallway. I open the door to see the commotion. Felicity and Sara are trying to convince Roy his suit looks good. He hates it. I laugh. He’s a street kid through and through. I like watching him being tortured this way. Torture is too strong a word but it is funny to watch.

“Roy, no one will be looking at you..they’ll all be staring at Sara. Just make sure she is hanging properly on your arm and your good.” Felicity informs him. She’s right, we are just their arm candy. That’s how these things go. We head out to the car. Diggle is driving. He insisted on being the “get away driver” as he doesn’t trust anyone else to get us out in case of emergency and it’s almost always an emergency. 

The party is in full swing when we arrive. After about thirty minutes, Felicity gives me the sign that it’s time to disappear. We walk out of the living room which is set up as a bar and social area. We head for the kitchen to take the back stairs up to the second floor office. We make it easily into the office. Too easy. Sara says via the comms that no one has noticed us. Felicity is nearly done. I am enjoying watching her work, when she is in her zone it’s sexy. Smart is sexy, I am a convert to that thinking..then suddenly, Roy comes over the comms:

“Oliver at least ten men are headed up the back stairs, get the hell out of there NOW.”

I can hear tthem making their way up to us. I hear Diggle cussing and telling us to get out. I realize that acting like we were lost or looking for privacy won’t work. I can hear Sin back at the lair typing trying to find an exit or a way to distract the men, but there is only the window in this room or the stairs which we cannot get to in time. There is nothing she can do. Felicity assures her, that in her place there’d be nothing she could do either. 

My senses tell me we were set up. Shit. I rush over to Felicity. We have to go. I grab her elbow. For once she doesn’t argue. She heard them too. 

I head to the window of the dark room. As I pull the heavy drapes aside I see that there are bars on the inside. No escape. I look around for weapons. We are at the end of the hallway and I can hear the men moving in. I look down at her, she looks up at me totally trusting me to save us. Damn, her faith in me is humbling. I kiss her. Then she knows. I am not sure how we are getting out of this one. 

They burst through the doors, followed by our host, Mr Calvin. Benjamin Calvin. Philanthropist and Child Trafficker. I push Felicity behind me.

“Benjamin! Felicity and I were just heading out. I wanted to leave you a small check.” I reach into my pocket. 

“tsk, tsk....Oliver Queen..” I pause. His voice is meant to be calming but I see pure evil. I look over my shoulder to Felicity. How could I let her come on this mission? Sara could have been my date. I can’t...I don’t think I can save us, protect her. 

“Benjamin.” I state while trying to move towards the door. I know when Sara and Roy get here we can get out of here quickly. They’re changing now. They can’t risk being seen or giving away who we are as a team, “Is this any way to treat a friend.” I motion to all his guards. 

 

Calvin is laughing, “I knew it was you! Everyone said I was crazy. Oliver Queen could not be the Arrow but I knew!” He rubs his hands together. “Too bad I can’t tell them I was right, since I have to kill you.” My jaw ticks. 

I laugh. “What makes you think I am the Arrow. I am just a screwed up rich kid, trying to get laid..by my former assistant at a party.” I shrug. “It’s kind of a kink of mine..sex in public places.”

“While I do believe you and she are lovers...we all know you were here for information.” He keeps trying to get around me to see her. I want to kill him. I probably could but I couldn’t kill them all before they got to her. “I am just glad I get to be the one to kill the Arrow...”

“Do what you want, let her go.” He looks behind me. He moves closer and I block her. 

“No, I don’t think I will.”

He smirks up at me, “I won’t kill her...I’ll sell her. A sweet young thing like her will fetch an excellent price. Not as good as a virgin, but having been trained by Oliver Queen, that will up the price.” I growl. 

“Leave her alone.” I know the team is trying to find a way out of this, I just need to keep us here and alive until they do. I take two men out with very little effort. A couple of well placed jabs and they are out. Four of the men lunge at me and are dragging me away from her. I have almost freed myself when they taser me and another man takes out my bad knee. Fuck. I scream out in pain. At best it’s sprained, at worst it’s broken. I am running through scenarios to buy us time. They take me and handcuff me to a chair. Why couldn’t they use zip ties. They are so much easier to get out of. 

I can hear Sara and Roy..they’re fighting their way up here. Calvin seems to have a large private security detail. Sara keeps telling John to say on the perimeter. It’s killing him but that is where he is needed. I am thankful Calvin hasn’t found our comms. 

I look over to Felicity who is crying for me. I tell her I’m okay. She sniffles and nods. Calvin has turned his attention to her. He orders his guards out. He wants privacy he tells them. He has underestimated me. I hear Sara taking on several of the guards and Roy is about ready to join her. Diggle is heading in too.I knew he would. I look up and see Calvin walk to the door and lock it. 

“Maybe I should test the goods before I sell it.” He says looking at Felicity and licking his lips. He is objectifying her in a way that lets her know she HAS to fight. She stares at him. Sara is telling her over the comms to remain calm, she is on her way. Felicity lifts her chin, “I will kill you before I let you do that to me.” He laughs. 

“I adore when they fight.” I am busy trying to break my hand and get it out of the cuffs. I won’t let him harm her. He grabs for her. She doesn’t scream, she just dodges him. That’s my girl! Use your training. He keeps trying to grab her but she’s too fast and smart for him. She’s had training and he hasn’t. He’s never gone up against a woman like her. I smile to myself.

Finally he tires of the game and walks over to me. I had my hand almost at the correct angle to break it to free it. He grabs a letter open and holds it to my throat, “You get over here and play nice or I kill your lover. You and me, have a little fun...I might let you live. Sell you or maybe keep you for myself” 

She gasps, “You keep some of them! That is why I couldn’t find the information on some of them..you sick bastard. I knew you were sick...”

“Yeah. I keep my favorites. Now get over here so I can add you to my collection OR I kill him.”

She stiffens, “Either way he dies.” She shrugs, “He taught me to recognize the best of any situation...he dies regardless. The best I can do is save myself.” I have never loved her more. She is doing exactly what she needs to do to save herself and me. I look away and smile. He moves to stab me in the neck. As I brace myself, I know he won’t kill me just try to let her think he is, and she will relent. 

I look to her, I want her to be what I see last, in case I am wrong. Then I see it, she is watching him and when she sees he is too busy looking at me, taunting me, she takes a knife from her garter...which later I will definitely fantasize about I think quickly..she tests it’s weight and throws it nailing him in the shoulder opposite of me. He falls to the floor. She walks over and takes her spiked heel and grinds it into his groin. I LOVE this girl. 

“Sin, call Lance and let him know the information will be on the desk and that Mr. Calvin requires assistance.” She leans down to him, “You should never threaten a woman with the man she loves...we get vicious.” 

She turns to me, “Stop trying to break your hand.” She grabs a bobby pin out of her hair and picks the lock just as Sara, Roy and Digg come busting into the room. I quickly stand and wrap her in my arms.. Sara and Roy sneak out. I lead Felicity downstairs where everyone assumes we were screwing around. We just look at each other and smile. We say our goodbyes and Diggle, brings the car. Once safely ensconced in the car, I pull her into my lap and kiss her. 

“Good Job, Felicity.” I hear Diggle say as he looks at us through the mirror. 

“Thanks John. I had excellent teachers.”

“Who taught you to throw the knife?” She smiles. 

“Nyssa and Sara, last summer when we went away on vacation.” I had no idea she had gone away with them. I knew I didn’t see her for awhile but that wasn’t that odd. We weren’t in the same circles. We get back to the mansion. Sara and Roy are already there. When we enter the sitting room, Roy scoops her up and hugs her. He was scared we’d lose her. So was I. “Blondie, you are so badass! It’s kinda hot.” He smirks at her then turns to me and shrugs. I let him get away with it, this time. 

Sin comes up next, having made her way here from the basement lair. She hugs her. Then she comes to me and hugs me too. 

“Thought we might lose you boss man.” I shake my head, “Never.” 

We’ve had worse missions. We’ve been caught in worse situations but this one...this one changed things. Sara is congratulating Felicity on her epic badass skills with the knife. “I knew throwing knives at innocent trees would pay off and you are a natural at it.” The four of them; Sara, Felicity, Sin and Roy are all talking animatedly. 

I feel Digg’s hand on my shoulder. “She did good. Saved you both. Without killing.” I know what he is implying. “You break her heart...I won’t be able to forgive you.’ I could have lost her and there was nothing I could do to stop it. 

“Guys, Lyla and Andi are waiting. I’m out.” He waves to everyone. They wave back. 

“Ollie? Sin is staying tonight, okay?” I nod. They head up to find her a room. Then Sara said she is going to bed too. The post-mission adrenaline is wearing off. Roy hugs Felicity again and heads to the pool house. Alone, we both look everywhere but at each other. Finally, she speaks. 

“I guess I should head home.” She states but it comes out somewhere between a question and a statement. I walk over to her and wrap her in my arms. “Or you could stay here...with me?” She pulls back but not out of my arms. “Are you sure?” I pull her back in and rest my chin on her head. “Never more sure of anything.”

We head up to bed. I find her a tee shirt of mine from one of the many colleges I was asked to leave. She heads to the bathroom. I change out of my suit and into a pair of jogging pants. I walk to the en suite and put my head to the door to listen. I hear her crying. I test the door it’s unlocked. I debate knocking but turn the knob. She is sitting on the counter. Knees pulled to her chest, crying. She looks up at me. She’s already wearing my old Harvard gray tee. 

I walk over to her, put my arms on either side of her. “What’s wrong, baby?” She buries her head in her arms which are resting on her knees. I touch her thigh, “Felicity, please? Are you hurt?” She shakes her head. Finally she replies with words, “I just need a minute then strong, unflappable Felicity will be back.” 

I mutter, “Digg is right it’s weird to talk about yourself in the third person.” She lets out a smile laugh. “Take all the time you need..I’m going nowhere.”I tug on her ankle and she drops her legs. I move between them and cup her chin, “What is it?” 

“You’re going to leave or distance yourself from me.” What? Where did that come from...oh. That is what I normally do. 

“I’m not going anywhere.” She searches, once again looking for the truth. My eyes never leave hers. I am never leaving her again. 

“You’re not? You’re really not!” She wraps her arms around my neck and legs around my waist. I am shocked into not reacting for a minute. We stay like that for a few minutes, then I lift her off the counter and carry her to bed. We instantly wrap ourselves in each other. I am playing with her hair with the hand of the arm she is resting on. 

“Oliver?” I look down at her, that’s a tone I’ve never heard before, I thought I knew every way she could say my name. 

“Yeah...” My heart rate quickens. What if this taught her she doesn’t want this life, my life. Can I let her go? Can I live without her?

“I understand it now.” I wait patiently because I have no idea what she is talking about. Not like that’s anything new. “Tonight when Calvin had you and was going to kill you....I knew..I just KNEW, I’d kill him before I let him hurt you. Is that how you feel?”

Of all the things I thought she’d stay I never expected that to be it. I half expected her to decide to leave me. That would be the best thing for her, the worst thing for him. 

“Yes. I would go to prison and hell if it meant you live, as long as you can.” She nods. I know she gets it. 

“Felicity?” She looks up at me, “yeah....”

“I also get your side. I don’t want you to kill for me. Killing someone, it changes you. Maybe every kill changes you. I don’t want that for you. Ever.” 

We are both quiet. Lost in our thoughts. I finally lean down and kiss her. “Are we okay?” She kisses me. 

“Yes. I think we both learned tonight..we will kill for each other, but only as an absolute last resort, agreed?”

“Agreed.” I lean down and kiss her until we both are about to pass out from lack of oxygen. 

 

I look her in the eye, “Truth or Dare?” She laughs, “Really? Now?” I nod. 

She giggles, “Dare.”

“I dare you to move in with me.” She gasps. She eyes me suspiciously. She gets up and stands on the bed, looks down and starts to hop off, “Where are you going?” 

“I can’t move in without my stuff, Oliver.” She hops down. I jump out and grab her by her waist. “We can get your stuff tomorrow.” She considers it. “okay but I did accept your dare.”

“Truth or Dare?” I smile. It’s always tit for tat with us. I love that about us. I love that there is an ‘us’ despite my idiocy. “Dare.” 

“Get naked Queen...I dare you to make love to me as long you can...” I smile and accept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I marked this completed. I have thought of doing another chapter like an epilogue but...I'm undecided. There are things to write about: Laurel's baby...Felicity's maybe not so legal past, Oliver and the company etc..yet, this is a good ending too...Thoughts are welcome!


End file.
